Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Tag: drunk

I Don’t Think Your Mother Likes Me — February 20, 2015

I Don’t Think Your Mother Likes Me

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Considering I’m 41, have never been married and haven’t had a relationship last over 3 years it’s safe to say I’ve met a lot of different moms. And it doesn’t matter what age I am, they never seem to like me. Dads love me and think I’m funny as Hell and often give their son’s the old nudge, “good going son”. But mothers never do. The reason might be that I curse like a sailor, or often dress in tight clothes. Might even be the fact I’ve had kids out of wedlock. Who the fuck knows. I’m usually prim and proper when I meet the moms. But once in a while I don’t even have to wonder why the mom doesn’t like me. Hell, sometimes it’s like a slap in the face and I actually agree with them.

A few years back I was dating a guy I was really into. I hadn’t met any of his family yet but he was having a bonfire at his parent’s house so I was going to get my chance. Several of us were out in the woods partying around the fire. I had finally drunk just enough liquid courage that a few of us girls rode the golf cart up front to the house where his parents were.

It was a chilly fall night so his mom and a few others were in the garage drinking, talking, and just having fun. Us girls went into the garage and left the big garage door open about 2 ½ feet. Not quite closed all of the way. With so many of us in the garage it was getting hot and if I remember correctly a few people were smoking.

Anyway, I find this guy’s mom and introduce myself. I was pretty proud that I had the courage to do it. Of course remember what I said earlier about liquid courage? Liquid courage my ass. I was fucked up. I start rambling on and on to this poor woman about how the mothers of the guys I date never like me. They think I’m a whore, dress like a slut, I cuss, on and on I went. She kept trying to interrupt me and tell me that she didn’t think I was that bad. But it was as if I had made it my mission to convince her otherwise, so I kept talking.

This woman was looking at me like I was nuts. And you know how it is once you know you fucked up and you try to back pedal but only seem to make things worse? Yup. That was me. My friends were even telling me to shut up. That is when they weren’t openly laughing at me. I kept glancing over at the garage door wishing like Hell it was open so I could just run out. Door, mom, door, mom. I could feel the panic start to rise.

As I was rambling I turned and lost my balance. So to make matters worse I was now falling down drunk in front of this woman I had just met. At this point I lost all dignity and realized there was no going back. Retreat was my only answer. I was already on the ground, had already humiliated myself and knew I had fucked up big time with his mom. I thought “fuck it”, and crawled across the garage floor and underneath the partially opened garage door. Now had I been sober I would have realized there was an actual door right next to the partially open garage door. But by this point I wasn’t thinking straight. So yes, this woman had to watch as I crawled along her garage floor and shimmied underneath like some damn rat.

I started walking back to the bonfire and my friends pulled up behind me in the golf cart. Of course they were laughing their asses off asking me what the fuck I was thinking. But that’s the thing! I wasn’t thinking! If either one of my sons had a girlfriend who did some shit like that I’d probably kick her ass as she was crawling across the floor and tell the whore not to come back.

A short golf cart ride and we were back at the bonfire. By this time I was trying to play it cool, like I didn’t do anything that bad. I went up to the guy I was dating and told him I got the courage to go up to the house and meet his mom. He asked me how it went and I just responded, “I don’t think she liked me.” He assured me that she was just hard to get to know and she probably liked me just fine. That fucker had no clue. Until the next day of course. I’m sure his mother gave him an earful then. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last very long. Now I try to avoid mothers like the plague. Of course they probably think I’m a snob and that’s just another reason not to like me. But it does keep me from crawling around on garage floors. Well, at least when I’m meeting someone’s mom. HAHA

If You Give A Girl A… — February 3, 2015

If You Give A Girl A…

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Eddie Murphy, in the stand-up show Raw, had it right when he said, “If you give starving man a cracker it’s the best fucking cracker he’s ever had” and it was the same with sex. That statement is so true. I’m telling you after a few years of no sex this bitch gets starving. A while ago my friends introduce me to this guy who is just the exact opposite of any other guy I’ve ever dated. Dude was short, balding, a little hunchbacked, the kind of guy you probably wouldn’t look twice at. But I hadn’t dated in a while so I figure why not go out.

We got along on our double date and had a lot of fun. I had met him a few times before in a group setting so I thought fuck it, and invited him back to my place. I’m telling you I will never look at a short dude the same way again. It was awesome sex. But a relationship in heaven it was not meant to be. After only a month or two it ended. My stupid ass mooned over this guy for far longer than he was worth. But we do that kind of shit don’t we? Or it could just be me.

A couple of months after we broke up I’m out at the bar, drunk, horny and got the bright idea I was going to have someone take me to this guy’s house out in the country. I can remember my friend saying “Are you sure you want me to take you out there?” I say, “Oh ya, it’ll be fine. He leaves his door unlocked so I know I can get in.”

Now I hadn’t even talked to this guy in two months but somehow in my drunken state I just knew he would be ecstatic that I would show up and want sex. So I had my friend drop me off and I go walking into this guy’s house. It wasn’t until I reached his bedroom I thought “OH FUCK! What if he has someone in bed with him?” Did that stop me? Hell no, my ass was drunk and horny.

Walked into his bedroom and luckily he didn’t have anyone already in bed with him. But soon he would, heehee. I crawl in bed with this guy. He’s lying on his side, away from me. Right after I lay down, he reached back, touched me, like he was seeing who the hell was in bed with him and then puts his hand back in front of him. I was confused at first. I expected him to grab me and ravish me. Then it hit me, “Damn I think he’s pissed!” I just broke into this dude’s house. Maybe not “broke” in, but I’m quite sure some criminal action was there. I thought I was going to get some great make up sex and my drunken ass might end up going to jail!

I mumble maybe I had better sleep on the couch and get out of bed. I stumble to the living room and collapse on his floor. Yup, lost the ability to walk so I was laying spread eagle on this man’s living room floor.  I could see the couch; I just couldn’t force my body to get there. Then I hear him get out of bed. “Oh yea,” I’m thinking, “Here he’s coming to get me, I know he wants me.” He walks into the living room, stands still for a moment, and then proceeds to throw a blanket over me. He then goes back to bed.  “My God “, I’m thinking, “Dude just came in and threw a blanket on me. Fuck!” I lay there for a few minutes and think about what I should do. “Fuck it. I’ve already made an ass of myself and I’m horny. I’m gonna go get me some.”

Now remember I had lost the ability to walk and I had that damn blanket covering my head.  I was too fucking drunk to even think about pulling it off me. Honestly, the thought didn’t even occur to me. So off I go crawling to this man’s bedroom. I’m crawling across the floor with a blanket completely over my head, finding my way more by sense of direction than vision. BAM! I run right into his dresser. Oh ya, he knows I’m coming.

I turn toward his bed and I get to a standing position by grasping onto the bedding and slowly pulling myself up. I figure I know what to do. What guy can resist a half naked woman? So I take off my pants, I take off my bra, and I crawl in bed behind this guy. The man doesn’t touch me. I’m too drunk to feel rejected so my ass decides to pass out. About two hours later this guy shakes me awake and says he’s going to take me home because he has things to do the next day. As he’s driving I couldn’t even lift my head to look at him. Longest, most silent ride ever. I still remember the song playing on the radio, Apple Bottom Jeans.

As we pulled up to my place I mumbled thanks and jumped out of his truck. He was pulling away before I even get a chance to shut the door. I’m surprised he even stopped. Hell he could have just slowed down and told me to jump. I was drunk enough I would have probably done it. That was one of the most humiliating nights of my life. I didn’t get my drunken ass laid, but at least I didn’t get arrested. And I bet you he’s locking his doors now! HAHAHAHAHAHA

THE DYER PARTY — January 17, 2015

THE DYER PARTY

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The summer after graduation I had a huge party out at my dad’s place in the country. I swear half of the town was there. During our partying and drinking there comes a knock on the door. I answer it and there’s this guy I’ve never seen before standing there. He asked me if I was having a party. He was kind of cute so I say “Yea, why don’t you come on in and have a beer?” Cutie replies, “Okay, give me minute though I have to call my friends.”

All of a sudden we have at least 10 cop cars swarming all over the yard! NO JOKE. We had city, county, excise, not to mention the fucking plain clothed detective who I invited in for a beer. They were chasing people through the fields, found them hiding in the barn, crossing the creek, it was a mad house.

Those of us that were caught got herded inside were we started taking breathalyzers. My one friend, who was drunk as a skunk, ran into the bedroom where another friend had their 5 year old sleeping. She jumped in bed with the kid just as a cop opened the door. She pretended he had woke her up and asked what was going on she was just watching the kid.  The cop said okay and let her go! Another friend lied about his damn name and got caught in the lie so he was taken to jail. One friend gave his cousin’s name (who was also at the party) the cop asked what my friend had blown on the breathalyzer test and he gave his cousin’s number. His ass got away scott free.

My favorite guy of the night was a kid who asked if he could go pee so the cops let him (this was before they even got his name or had him blow). He goes into the bathroom. About a half hour later the cops realize he never came back. The bathroom door was locked so the go around back. The kid had locked the door, crawled out the window and had gotten away HAHAHAHAHA.

The cops made me dump out the alcohol, including a bottle of wine my dad had. Of course I asked the officers if they would like a drink before it went down the drain. Give me a break, I was feeling pretty damn good. Cops couldn’t kill my buzz. The kids under 18 were made to call their parents to come get them. Those over 18 were “arrested” and not too drunk to drive were able to leave but had a court date to go to. I don’t think our small county Jail could hold all of us. After they left there were a whole bunch of us still sitting there. We had found some liquor hidden behind the couch and figured fuck it the cops weren’t coming back. So we drank that shit. HAHAHAH

That next week it was all over the front page of the paper “THE DYER PARTY”. Damn I must have made my dad proud. When we went to court we were given probation, counter measures, all that fun stuff, and told if we didn’t get into trouble in the next year it would be dropped from our records. So when our sentences were given once again in the paper “THE DYER PARTY”. Only about half of our group made in the next year without trouble. It took me two tried to make it through counter measures. The first time I kept falling asleep, I had been up partying all night the night before and Judge Heimann was just so damn boring. I actually got kicked out of counter measures for sleeping. The second time I had to keep punching and pinching my leg to stay awake.

When a year had passed we marched back to the court house for the follow up with the judge. We noticed there was a deputy in the back of the room. I was joking with everyone “Gee I wonder who he’s here for HAHA”. Ya guess what, the joke was on me. Before the proceedings even really began the prosecutor filed some additional (and unrelated) charges against me and my butt was hauled from the court house off to county. Why you ask? Well that’s a story for another day HAHAHAH Ah to be young again.

I can laugh about it now because it was minor stuff over 20 years ago and has never kept me from a job I wanted. But I’m telling you, that must have been one hell of a party. There’s still times (just last year) I’ll run into people and they’ll mention they were busted at my party and for the life of me I don’t know who the hell they are!

I’M KICKING MY ASS, DO YOU MIND! — January 7, 2015

I’M KICKING MY ASS, DO YOU MIND!

/Erica Dyer/1 Comment

Went out with this rebound guy one night and we ended up at Vinnie’s where some of our friends were. I was drunk as a skunk, ya I know, not unusual Ha-ha. Well this guy and I were sitting at a table with a couple of friends. We were drinking, having a good time and an ex who had destroyed my heart came in. Between seeing him and the alcohol I drank I looked at my rebound guy and just hated the fact I was with him. He said something stupid, not even bad, but I just hauled off and slapped the guy I was with. For no reason! I’m not kidding, and I’m not one of those women who thinks it’s okay for a woman to hit a man. I slapped him harder than I have ever slapped anyone in my life. This dude was big too, 6’2” and out weighed me by almost a hundred pounds.

He sat there just looking at me, and then slowly said, “Why did you do that?” I’m stuttering, “Oh that didn’t hurt.” And he replied, “Yes it did.” So I say, “No it didn’t, see!” At which point I slapped myself so hard I about fell out of my chair. Yes folks, if you saw that drunken crazy bitch slapping the shit out of herself at Vinnie’s one night, well that was me. Kind of like Jim Carrey in the movie Liar Liar when he’s in the bathroom kicking his own ass. After I slapped myself silly I realized I was fucked up beyond fucked up. And if I didn’t leave soon I’d probably end up getting my ass kicked. Or kicking my own ass who the Hell knows.

I started walking home, in the winter, dead of night.  Traipsing along in the cold and snow hoping I would make it the few miles home before I fell over into a ditch. I made it almost the whole way then a friend saw me and picked me up. And yes, to answer your question, we did continue dating. Of course had I been able to read the future I would have just slapped him twice that night and ended it right there. HAHAHA

I’m Too Old For This Shit — January 6, 2015

I’m Too Old For This Shit

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Went to Snickerz Comedy Club Comedy Club and to dinner quite a while back with my friends Angie and Kris. At dinner my friend Angie ordered this big ass margarita. I mean this sucker was 48oz, never seen one that big. I had only ordered a 12oz. So much smaller than what she got, story of my life I guess. Well I drank mine then proceeded to fill my glass from Angie’s. Then drank Kris’ drink also. Then, filled my glass again from Angie’s. Although I should have stopped at that point Angie had some left so I just drank it. Damn I was getting drunk.

We then went to Snickerz Comedy Club. Talked to the manager about my doing open mic nite again. Not only did he remember me but a couple of other guys there remembered me too. Of course my response to that is it’s kind of hard to forget me up on stage talking about bad sex ha-ha. At Snickerz I had a big rum runner while there then half another one. Before I even finished the second I realized, damn I’m drunk. So I quit drinking. Anyway after Snickerz a few of us went to Piere’s, the part that was CLUB V at the time. I guess you could call it the hip hop side. Well in my drunkenness I decided I was going to dance in the cage like I did back in the day.

I’m up there dancing and shaking my hips like i was 22 again. I’m really getting into it, shake, shake shake. I know I have to look hot as Hell, whipping my head back and forth and moving my hips. Of course in reality I probably looked like some old ass freak, dressed like a hooker and flopping around like I was having a seizure. But damn 30 seconds of that and I was worn out. My friends go on the dance floor so I slithered out of the cage like I was a damn stripper. As soon as my feet hit the floor vomit comes up in my mouth. I didn’t puke, but it reached past my throat. I mean I could feel chunks on my tongue. (If that grossed you out imagine how I felt). Not wanting to look like a fool in this busy busy club, I swallow the shit back down and decide my dancing is over for the night.

There I was just standing to the side looking like a dork, trying not to puke. While I’m standing there one of our friends decides to leave so I have now taken the position of cock blocking body guard and walk her out because by this point I was becoming the sober one. We stop and talk to a cop on the way who is sitting in his car learning how to play guitar. I’m not kidding. The neck of the guitar is out his window and he had his music sheet out. He said he was off duty and working for the bar. After chatting up rodeo cop I take my friend to her car and return to the bar.

I went back inside to be big momma cock blocking body guard to the other two dancing fools. As I’m standing there I realized, man I really needed to fart. Well I’m drunk; sick as Hell to my stomach from dancing, so I figured fuck it. And I then became the farting cock blocking body guard. I recommend you don’t eat Mexican before a night of dancing at the clubs. Every time I walked, Hell moved, I had the flapping of my cheeks and the prayers to God I wasn’t going to shart myself. I can’t even tell you if it smelled. I’d fart, move, fart, move, fart, and move. Maybe I was simply marking my territory?

This experience brought back a memory from years prior.  Another time I went to Piere’s with my friend Angie and we were in this huge crowd. I had to fart so bad I could help it. Talk about silent but deadly. It was as if a cloud of rotten eggs and shit was hovering around us. It was so bad it grossed me out, let alone everyone around me. Angie crunched her face up in disgust and said “Man somebody just shit themselves let’s get outa here!” So we left. I never did tell her it was me. Of course if she reads this she’ll know my secret hee hee.

At the end of the night I had to lead those two drunken asses out. We tried to go out the wrong door and the bouncers had it closed. The one did tell me I was hot. Yea that’s me, the hot, farting, puking, dancing fool. Fun times. But man I’m getting old. Back in the day I could drink all night, party till the bar closed then go out for breakfast. After sleeping a few hours I could be out again. Now if I do make it out past midnight it’s a special occasion and once in a while I’ll say fuck it and just wear my robe when I go HAHAHA

Spare Some Change? — December 26, 2014

Spare Some Change?

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Back in my younger years I used to party pretty darn hard (I know I know go figure HAHA). One weekend my dad was away and a friend and I broke out his hard liquor. We were in high school so of course we thought we could drink and drink and still party all night. After I alone drank a fifth of Crown Royal and a fifth of Amaretto my friend and I decided we were going to go to a party that was in Geneva. Well we didn’t have any gas money. But I knew my dad had this big change jar in his room so I drug it into the living room to count some out.

I’m sitting on the hardwood floor in the living room, counting away. All of sudden BLUGH BLUGH BLUGH I puked right in the change. And to make it even worse I then collapsed face first into the change and puke. So there I am laying face down in my own vomit, pennies going up my nose, puke in my eyes. My friend starts laughing her ass off! Do you think the bitch would help me? Oh Hell no. She went into town and brought back her boyfriend and some other mutual “friends”. I remember lying there, not able to move, listening to these assholes laughing away at me. Then they left! Right after that I passed out right where I lay.

The next morning I wake up and had to peel myself off the floor. Dried puke and change was stuck to my face and in my hair. After catching my balance I stumble to the bathroom. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. My God I was a mess. I think I even had puke in my ears. Thankfully this was back in the day before everyone had a cell phone and pictures were everywhere on facebook. After cleaning myself up I turned my attention to the change. All fucking day I washed that damn change. Had to soak it and wash just about each coin separate just to make sure there wasn’t puke on it. I guess I could have tossed it but I wasn’t about to throw away thirty bucks! This was back when we could get gas for 75 cents a gallon.

I was clean, the change was cleaned. Then I turned my attention to the mess on the floor, thankfully it was hardwood so it wasn’t too bad. Besides most of the vomit was on me and the change. God what a night. Wonder if my dad ever figured out what happened to his alcohol HAHAHAHAHA

I Think I Drank Too Much — December 19, 2014

I Think I Drank Too Much

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There was one weekend that I had a date set up for a Saturday night. Well the Friday before I decide to go out with some friends. We started slamming drinks right away. I drank 3 liquid cocaine shots, 3 B52 chaser shots, then sipped a mixed drink. All of this in an hour. We had drinks lined up on the bar. Before I knew it the girl I was there with was puking in the bathroom. As I’m thinking that’s funny as Hell I notice some asshole I used to date. I’m not going to get into why he’s an asshole right now but I do want to say I went up to him to speak my mind. In my drunken state I proceed to tell him, “You should thank God I even gave you the time of day!” At which point I fell straight back onto the bar floor. Not crumpled or tripped, but fell like a damn tree. This guy just looks at me and walks away. Not my finest moment.

Luckily someone takes pity on my sorry ass and takes me to the bathroom. If you’ve never noticed the toilet bowel at a bar be glad, very glad. My face was inches away from urine splashes and pubic hair. Hell in this town I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t crabs also. Well it takes two women to keep me from drowning in the toilet. One holding my head up and one holding my body. By this time I had lost the ability to move. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn’t talk, move, blink, I’m lucky I could breath. The guy I was supposed to go out with the next night happened to be there. So one of the girls who were holding my head out of the toilet goes and gets him.

Now remember this guy and I had yet to even had our first date. I still cannot move a muscle although I could hear clearly. So anyway this guy grabs me under my arms while another guy grabs my legs. My shirt is riding up, everyone can see my bra, and my shoe fell off. And they carry me out the back door of the bar. It’s winter time, snow on the ground, cold as Hell. The guy carrying my legs said “Are you sure she’s alive? I don’t want to get in trouble for disposing of a body.” So my future date guy decides to lay me down in the snow, no coat, shirt up to my neck, only one shoe and starts to throw snow on me. I still couldn’t move. In my mind I’m thinking it’s cold as fuck but I was so drunk I couldn’t open my yes. Once they determined I was alive they picked me back up and threw me in this guy’s car and he takes me home.

I wish I could say he swept me in his big 6’2″ strong arms and carried me inside. Instead he drug me across the ground and snow all the way into the apartment building and directly into my bathroom (the next day he told me I was too heavy). The girlfriend who was with me covered me up and proceeded to take the obligatory drunk pics. My date guy left and I hugged the damn toilet all night. Puked my guts up, shit my pants, and ended up laying half in the bathroom and in the hallway. My older son had a friend who spent the night and when his mom came to get him the next night I was a pretty sight.

From my front door you could see right down the hallway and there I lay half in and half out of the bathroom. Her son had to actually step over my body to leave. I felt like I was dying. But you know, I still made it out on my date that night. Of course I found out later that after this guy had dropped me off (literally) he then went and spent the night with some other woman. I actually dated him for a year. Don’t judge, there’s not a lot of choices in this town, he had a job and teeth and my ass is heavy HAHAHAHAHA

Got A Popsicle Stick? — December 8, 2014

Got A Popsicle Stick?

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Gotta tell you about this one guy I dated. He was one of the worst lays I have ever had. I’m not joking! Not that every man I date has nothing to offer but a limp dick and an empty wallet, but I think I get more than my fair share. Let me just give you a little taste of what my life was like.

The very first night we were together, we had been out to the bar. Go back to my place to get a little somethin somethin. I take my clothes off, crawl into bed, and the guy can’t get hard for nothing. He tells me “stick it in it’ll get hard.” Now I ask you, how in the hell and I suppose to stick a limp dick in my twat? Seriously now. What tie a fucking popsicle stick to it? I tried everything to get him up. Of course me being a woman thinks right away it’s cuz I’m fat, and have stretch marks, that I just didn’t turn him on. So I’m bawling away. He assures me it wasn’t me, that he just had “whisky dick”. Whisky dick my ass!

The next time we tried fucking, once again he couldn’t get it up. Oh come on now, I know that shit ain’t me. So I put off the sex for a few weeks. But damn I love sex! So I thought maybe if we did something a little kinky that might get him going. So one night at Vinnie’s I drag him in the bathroom and try to get him to do it standing up in a stall. I say “try” because dude couldn’t get it up! Oh now I’m getting shitty. I told him he had better talk to a doctor because my ass wasn’t going to put up with no sex. It’s one thing if we’d been married for years and my spouse suddenly had a medical condition. But damn, we had just started dating, I didn’t even know if I liked him that much!

So we tried every variety of the little blue pill. But it was just such a pain in the ass. You had to take a pill and wait for it to work. I like being spontaneous. I can’t say it was all bad, there were like, um 1, 2, maybe 3 times in a year and a half that the sex was really good. But most of the time it was like having some big ass virgin on top of me flopping around trying to poke me with a limp dick. Not my idea of fun. Finally I said fuck it and didn’t even want to bother anymore. Why even get horny when the most I could hope for was a finger.

After awhile of this (remember we dated a year and a half) I just became the bitch from Hell. You see while I gave up on sex, he didn’t. You can only put a man off so much. So I’d lay there while he fumbled around, trying like Hell to get me wet. By this time though nothing about him excited me. I remember more than once him spitting on my fucking crotch. I’m not talking he went down on me and got me wet. Or spit on his hand and lubricated his dick. This man would literally be laying on top of me, suddenly sit up and spit a fucking loogie on my crotch (insert noise from your imagination here). Then he’d hurry and try to get it in. If he was successful it sure didn’t last long because he was certain to go limp in a few seconds. I’m sure the disgusted look on my face on the my frozen body was sure to make any man limp.

Finally I would do anything I could to discourage sex.  He’d be on top (always on top, I wasn’t going to waste any of my energy) I would say things like, “After 33 years I would have thought you’d know how to touch a woman, I guess I was wrong” or “can you hurry up and get this over with”. Of course he was a glutton for punishment, or in love, maybe low self esteem. Who the fuck knows. But when you’re trying to get a chick in bed and she says “gee uh gonna have to say no thank you, I know what I’d be getting” or “sorry but sex with you just kills my sex drive”, then you deserve whatever the fuck you get.

Finally it got to the point where the mere though of sex with him made me want to puke. I’d say I was sick, tired, busy, anything to put him off. Then run into the bedroom as soon as he left and rub one off with my lovely toys. Now I’m sure you are asking why did I continue to date him for a year and a half? Well, he wasn’t bad looking, had a job, his own apartment, a car, never married, no kids, teeth, and I hate to be cynical, but I live in a real small town and it’s hard to find a man with all of that.

So when I get the question on how can I go a year, two years, 3 years without even the hint of sex, this kind of answers it. I sure do WISH I could say this is the only man I ever dated like this, but unfortunately he isn’t…

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

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One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA