Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Bah Bah Black Sheep — December 15, 2014

Bah Bah Black Sheep

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Anyone that knows me knows I run my mouth a mile a minute. Doesn’t even have to be when I’m drinking, I simply don’t have a filter. Well years ago I went out to Vinnie’s bar with Kris and we run into these two young guys. Nice guys, we had met the one before. So the new guy is talking to me and is obviously drunk as Hell. After chatting me up for awhile he asks, “What are you doing November? Do you want to go to an Amish party?” I only had a couple of drinks but it doesn’t take much for me to put my foot in my mouth. So I reply, “Why the fuck would I want to go to an Amish party? So I can drink beer and fuck a sheep?” As I laugh at my hilarious joke this guy replies, “What if I told you there was an Amish in here right now?” So my ignorant ass still isn’t getting it and I’m turning in a 360 and saying loudly, “There’s no fucking Amish in here! They wouldn’t be here, there’s no sheep!” It was at this point I noticed my friend Kris and this guy’s friend frantically waving their arms, covering their mouths, doing a cutting motion across their throats.

Of course I’m all confused, “What the fuck you doing?” I holler. Turns out this guy is fucking Amish, well was raised Amish but was in the process of leaving the order and because of that he was wearing regular cloths. So then I’m trying to do some major backtracking. “Uh, yeah I went to AC we were known as Amish college”, “I love the Amish, I had Amish friends”, “I’d really like an Amish to clean my house, they are so reliable”. I was rambling trying to think of anything to smooth this humiliating situation over.

Luckily this guy was so drunk he couldn’t even stand. So as we drank I was extra nice. That was till the end of the night when we were all smashed and he passed out at the bar. The poor guy was sitting on a bar stool with his head laying on the bar and I got the bright idea to start making sheep noises in his ear. “BAHHHH BAHHHH BAHHHH” Now before you go thinking I’m a horrible person, three more people joined me. Hee hee, we were all making sheep noises just to see if he would wake up to see what his girlfriend wanted HAHAHAHA. When he finally woke up Kris kept calling him sheep boy and told him it was time to go out to pasture. Ah, good times.

My Affair With Jerry Springer — December 14, 2014

My Affair With Jerry Springer

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Many years ago I had a crush, okay obsession, on the one and only Jerry Springer. Now don’t ask me why, who the Hell knows. I drank a lot back then HAHA. Every chance I got I would watch his show. The chant of “JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!” often filled my house. I’m sure I have friends who still remember this. I remember one night I was watching and a young Zachary piped up “are you sssuuurrreee Jerry Springer isn’t my father?” He’s funny, well… Anyway a few friends and I decided we were going to go to a taping of a show.

I ordered the tickets and was so excited when they came in the mail. My friend Zoranna and I were going to drive to Chicago where we’d meet a couple of other friends. Then the four of us were going to see Jerry. We left Fort Wayne in plenty of time and we were singing and laughing and having a Hell of a time. We drove for almost two hours. I didn’t realize I was going in the wrong direction till we saw a damn sign for Ohio. Yes my friends that’s right, my sorry ass took 30 till I hit Ohio. By then we realized we had to be in Chicago in an hour and a half or I’d miss Jerry. So I floored that car all across the upper part of the state. I don’t know how in the Hell I didn’t get pulled over or in a wreck but by golly we made it.

Zoranna and I rushed to the building where the studio was and couldn’t figure out how to get into the building from the parking garage. Well this guy came out a back door and was standing there smoking a cigarette. So I walked over and starting asking him how we get in when I saw it… “OH MY GOD ZORANNA HE”S WITH JERRY SPRINGER” This guy was a young hottie and it didn’t hurt I was pretty cute too 15 years ago (I had red hair, a half shirt, and a bright red pleather coat haha). So this guy takes us in the back way and we get in the line to get into the show. Our friends meet up with us and I start getting excited as Hell. After waiting about an hour our turn came. And the fucking woman told us that they were full!!!! “BUT WE HAVE TICKETS!!!” I sobbed. She said they send out more tickets than seats because not everyone shows up. I was about ready to cry then I saw the guy who let us in!!! I ran over to him and told him what happened. Of course I was near tears and holding onto his shirt as if it were a desperate situation. He asked me to wait and he would go see what was up. He comes back after a few minutes and asked if we could come back for the next show in about two hours. Hell yes we could!

When we came back the hot young guy (had I been smarter I would have been all over him) came and got us and took us in the studio. We were placed in the front row right in the center. I can’t even tell you how it felt. I was beyond excited. My friends thought I was going to hyperventilate. Jerry Springer came out and started shaking our hands. I grabbed his hand with both of mine and practically pulled his arm off. Zoranna said she was afraid I wasn’t going to let him go HAHA.

After the show it came time for pictures. My God it couldn’t get more exciting. But anyone that had a camera and wanted to get their picture with Jerry Springer could. So I stood in line and waited my turn. When I got up there I just told him how much I loved him and how excited I was. He took my face in his hands, told me I was so sweet, and kissed me right smack on the lips. I thought I was going to die! Then we wrapped our arms around each other like a pair of old lovers and I got my picture. Notice in the pic above you can’t see his hands (hee hee).

Of course this was many years ago. And eventually my crush on Jerry Springer went away. I haven’t watched a show in years. But sometimes late at night as I’m switching channels, I’ll pause when I hear “JERRY JERRY JERRY” and wonder if he remember me and our one second affair. HAHAHAHAHA

Jerry Springer

I USED TO DATE LIL WAYNE — December 13, 2014

I USED TO DATE LIL WAYNE

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I don’t know if any of you keep up with the celebrities like my sorry butt does but years ago there was this rapper called Lil Wayne that was going to prison for gun charges. Well when he was sentenced the judge ordered him to take out his grill before the deputy took him away. For those of you who don’t know what a grill is, that’s all that gold and diamonds those stupid ass rap guys wear in their mouth. It’s like a gold mouthpiece. Anyway when the dude takes it out his real teeth are falling out rotten. I’m not shitting you! Evidently the guy doesn’t realize you can take the damn thing out and fricken brush. So the judge ordered him to get his mouth fixed before he goes away. I can only assume this is because you can actually die from an infection that starts in your mouth. Well Lil Wayne ended up getting eight root canals at one sitting! EIGHT and they aren’t even done with the work yet. That’s how rotten his mouth was. Can you imagine how rotten his mouth smelled? Ya well I don’t have to guess.

Now I’ll admit, back when I was really little like 8, I didn’t feel like brushing my damn teeth. But as I got older it became the first thing I did as I woke up. Hell I’ll brush 4-5 times a day just depends if I think my mouth taste like shit or not. Now I’m not as extreme as my sister though. There was one night she woke up to see her neighbor’s house on fire. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, then ran and woke them up so they could escape the fire. (Yes I know crazy runs in my family). I’ve also dated a guy or two or three who just couldn’t get it through their damn heads to fricken brush. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to tell a grown man to brush his damn teeth before you’re willing to have sex because lord knows you don’t want that mouth close to your nose?

Anyway years ago I got talked into a damn relationship with a dude who must not have known what a toothbrush was. He used to come into my work and one of the girls I worked with would always try to get me to ask him out. All I could say was “Have you looked at his fucking mouth? Come on now that’s some nasty shit.” We’re talking not one, not two but a mouth full of rotten teeth. Green, black, and I’m not joking here, slimy looking. It was like his front teeth had big holes in the middle where the tooth enamel was missing. So then this chick makes me feel bad, “He could be a really nice guy and maybe he has something wrong that causes that.” Okay she wore me down, and lets face it it’s not like I have men beating down my door. So I asked the guy out. Yes you read that correctly. I asked him out.

As long as he kept his mouth shut we got along fine. So with me being so understanding and caring I kept dating him. Okay fine, it’s more like lonely and desperate. I dated this guy for a year; Hell lived with him for most of it. I could not stand the thought of kissing this man though. Oh God, once he tried to French kiss me and I literally thought I was going to puke. And the stench when he would put his face close to mine was unbearable.

Needless to say I found out his mouth wasn’t rotten because of some health issue, nope, he just didn’t brush. Yup, that’s what he told me. That is once I finally got up the courage to ask him why in the Hell his mouth was so fucked up. Why it wasn’t sure health issue out injury. He plain and simple didn’t give a fuck. And yet, my sorry ass stayed.

Well one day he came home and said he had gone to the dentist and he was going to get his teeth fixed. Can you believe how exciting that was? It took weeks for the dentist to finish the root canals, the caps, the fillings, and the teeth pulling. I’m serious, took weeks. But finally at the end of it all the guy had a really great set of teeth and a nice smile. Then within a week of the finished product the asshole left me for some chick he worked with. Explains why he got his teeth fixed after I dated him for a year. To this day I can’t passionately kiss a man without giving a quick glance at his teeth, and if I have my suspicions, my ass will ask if he brushed. Might be another reason I rarely get a second date. Wish I could say this was my first and only time experiencing something like this. Yup, I wish…

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING — December 12, 2014

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING

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I used to date this guy who found it hilarious as Hell to chase me, throw me down, pin my shoulders with his knees and thump me in the face with his dick. I’m not shitting you. The whole time he’d say “Time for your thumping!” He wasn’t being sexual about it because he would let me go after thumping me. Guess he liked the chase. I knew when it was coming too because he would get this look in his eye. He’d smack me in the face with his dick and then laugh his ass off and let me up, what a weirdo. It was especially embarrassing when his mother was home and he’d throw me down in the living room. I wish I was able to say we were  young and he was just immature. Then I would feel better. Unfortunately, we weren’t young. Immature yes, at least him. I think he had mental problems haha.

Years later a couple of girlfriends and I went to After Dark (it’s a gay bar). We went on a night they had male strippers. Come on I’m not stupid I know the guys were probably gay. Do you think I cared? Oh Hell no, a half naked man is a half naked man HAHA There was this on hottie wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. And yes, only a towel. We knew this because my one friend was curious and stuck her hand right up under his towel and grabbed his balls. Nice, my friends are such ladies HAHA Anyway this guy is dancing in front of us and all of a sudden jumps up on the bench I’m sitting on. I’m sitting there with a shocked look on my face, wondering what the Hell he was doing. Then he whips out his dick and starts smacking me in the face with it! WHAT THE FUCK! My friends were laughing their asses off. He didn’t do it to nobody else, just me. Damn, I must have “Dick Slap Here” written across my forhead. Oh who am I kidding, if that were true I’d have more dates HAHAHAHAHA

Near Sex-What’s On TV — December 11, 2014

Near Sex-What’s On TV

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Now everyone knows I’m a psycho prude when it comes to sex. But guess what? I’m normal just like each and every one of you. Let’s just say if you think I have bad luck in the sack when I’m dating a guy, well my attempts at one night stands were even worse. Back when I was in my twenties I went three years without even a single date. Yes that’s right, you heard me, not even a date. So sex? Well forget about that one. My friends and I hit the bars every weekend but I must have had “BITCH” written across my forehead because I got nothing. And don’t go thinking I was a dog then either, that was after only one kid so my curves looked good. No, my problem is, the more I drink the more paranoid I get, and I’m all about “you better show me respect!” Drunks at the bar are not all about respect they are all about getting laid.

Anyway, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to take a guy home and fuck his brains out. There was this one guy my friends and I always saw at Piere’s. He was funny and cute, always flirted with me and wasn’t a total stranger. So I figured what the Hell. This guy and I jump in my car and are trying to figure out where to go. Well I didn’t want to take him to my place because I barely knew him. For that same reason I didn’t want to go to his. So we decided to go to a hotel. He goes in and pays for the room and although I felt a little cheesy I was excited to finally be getting some sex after three years.

We go up to the room, take each other’s clothes off, and right away he goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, if a guy knows what the Hell he’s doing that can be quite nice. But this guy shouldn’t have even started. So I tell him, “Look can you just stop?” No response, “Please? Hello?!” He would not stop. I try to pull away from him and he had such a vice grip on my legs I actually had bruises the next day. Again I try to get him to stop, “Hello? Look you’re not doing anything for me. Can we just have sex please?” Dude would still not stop. Finally I took to tapping him on the head. I’m not shitting you, there I am patting this guy on the head and telling him for the love of God would he just stop. Still he wouldn’t. Finally I got so bored I reached over for the remote to the TV, had to stretch bit, all the while he’s holding on tightly acting like he’d die if he came up for air. After getting my hands on the remote I turned the TV on. Took me a few minutes of flipping through channels but finally found Harlem nights with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.

Now I don’t know about you ladies but if I was giving some guy a blowjob and I hear a TV go on I think I’d stop. Oh no not this guy. After about two hours of the worse oral sex of my life my crotch was finally numb, my legs bruised and I was bored as Hell. So I decided to just go to sleep. It’s not like he was going to notice, Hell he hadn’t paid attention to my tapping on his head so what’s a little snoring. Yes, that’s right; I just laid my head back and tried to sleep. I dozed off a bit and when he finally stopped I just acted like I was passed out. Next morning we jumped in my car, took this guy home. Talk about a quiet ride. Ran into him at the bar a about a week after and avoided his ass. Finally he corned me and said he’s never had someone he had sex with flat out avoid him. I had to laugh in his face and tell him I may not have had much experience but I certainly didn’t call what we had sex. So much for my one night stand. LOL

I Think I’m Pregnant — December 10, 2014

I Think I’m Pregnant

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I had been dating this guy who was a complete ass. The entire time we were dating he would do things to try to piss me off, like tell me shit just to get a reaction. I’m so gullible I’d believed him at first. I didn’t realize he didn’t have his nipples pierced till I saw him naked. And I would have sworn he had a stripper pole till I saw his bedroom. He would do this shit all the time! Not only that but he was constantly talking about other women he had sex with, even going so far as to point them out if we should see them (we live in a very small town).

So after awhile I got this little plan in my mind. My friend Dawn was pregnant so I had her pee on a pregnancy test for me. Yes ladies and gentlemen a positive pregnancy test. I put the test back in the box and even went so far as to glue the box shut. So this guy came over, and I was telling him I’ve gained about 5 pounds and I wasn’t feeling good. I’ve had a couple of kids, so I knew what to say, tender breasts, swollen feet, nausea. Oh ya. Well that night I was taking my vitamins and he asked what I was taking and I said “Well I have to be careful what I take because, well, cuz well I don’t know.” He asked me “Are you pregnant?” With tears in my eyes I replied, “I don’t know, I doubt it.” So now he’s really wondering, “Have you been feeling ok?” “Not really”, I say.  At this point I’m starting to laugh so I go and sit down and won’t look at him because I know if I do I won’t be able to keep a straight face. He keeps asking me “You think you’re pregnant?” So I go and grab the pregnancy test and hand him the box.

Now remember I had glued it shut so it looked like a new test. You should have seen his face it was great. I told him I was going to go take the test right then. My older son was in the bathroom getting out of the shower so I grabbed the box, opened it and took the test out, laid the box on my bookshelf and went in the bathroom. I told my son what I was doing and told him to go ask this guy what two lines on a pregnancy test meant. And the kid was perfect. I mean he’s such an actor. I hear him ask and this guy saying “What are you talking about?!?!” Then my son says all excited, “I’m going to have a little brother or sister!” I’m dying laughing in the bathroom. I mean I’m laughing to hard I can barely stand.

I go out and grab the box that shows on the back what two lines mean. I’m shaking, I have tears in my eyes and just have the look of fear on my face. The guy grabs the box from me goes into the bathroom and just keeps looking at the test and the box, pregnancy test, box, pregnancy test box. Just keeps looking back and forth, back and forth. I’m sitting on the floor outside the bathroom laughing so hard I bout peed my self. He comes out and at first thinks I’m crying. Then I tell him it’s a joke, Dawn peed on it. He calls me an asshole and calls Dawn. Then Dawn tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So he’s all worried, “This was a joke right?” it was great. I’m telling you I’m still laughing about that. I pointed out to him all the times he was “joking” with me. Haha mother fucker.

Before you feel any sympathy for him or think I’m a major bitch let me say something. This guy constantly farted on me, pointed out every woman he either had his dick in or wanted to put it in and was just plain an ass. Besides, don’t fuck with me because I’m one of the best and I will get you back, only better hahaha

What Up Homies — December 9, 2014

What Up Homies

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Years ago my son and a friend and I go to Carlos O’kelly’s mexican restaurant in Fort Wayne. They had those little candy and toy machines. So of course Conrad wanted to get something. I gave him some quarters and just said to get whatever. He wanted one of these little guys, or figurines, whatever they were. I looked and thought they were like little fighting men. And then I noticed the sign on the machine, “HOMIES COLLECT ALL 24”. I’m thinking what the Hell???? Homies? So we put our quarters in and pull it out a little Mexican dude.

Black handle bar moustache, wearing a white shirt and a stocking cap. I about died laughing. So we had to get more quarters and see what else there was. Kris and I were laughing about these homies and how they are all little Mexican men dressed as gangsters. She swears up and down the one conrad has had a gun in his pocket. There was another one with a wife beater, shades and a do-rag on his head. We were laughing about homies and the waitress comes up and sees Conrad playing with his little men and says “Oh so he got a homie”. Of course that set us off again in laughter. I mean really, who in their right mind thought that little Mexican homies wasn’t the least bit stereotypical or racist. And I’m sorry but I had to say it makes me wonder if somewhere they have more of these machines “CRACKERS COLLECT ALL 24” how about “CRACK WHORES COLLECT ALL 24”.

Seriously though I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I can’t believe no one complained. Then that night my older son Zachary saw Conrad’s little man and said “Conrad got a homie? I have a friend that collects those”. Now how in the Hell long have homies been around? Has anyone else heard of these?  Carlos O’kellys is closed now so I can’t even tell you if they still sell them. All I know is they made for one funny night.

 

 

Got A Popsicle Stick? — December 8, 2014

Got A Popsicle Stick?

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Gotta tell you about this one guy I dated. He was one of the worst lays I have ever had. I’m not joking! Not that every man I date has nothing to offer but a limp dick and an empty wallet, but I think I get more than my fair share. Let me just give you a little taste of what my life was like.

The very first night we were together, we had been out to the bar. Go back to my place to get a little somethin somethin. I take my clothes off, crawl into bed, and the guy can’t get hard for nothing. He tells me “stick it in it’ll get hard.” Now I ask you, how in the hell and I suppose to stick a limp dick in my twat? Seriously now. What tie a fucking popsicle stick to it? I tried everything to get him up. Of course me being a woman thinks right away it’s cuz I’m fat, and have stretch marks, that I just didn’t turn him on. So I’m bawling away. He assures me it wasn’t me, that he just had “whisky dick”. Whisky dick my ass!

The next time we tried fucking, once again he couldn’t get it up. Oh come on now, I know that shit ain’t me. So I put off the sex for a few weeks. But damn I love sex! So I thought maybe if we did something a little kinky that might get him going. So one night at Vinnie’s I drag him in the bathroom and try to get him to do it standing up in a stall. I say “try” because dude couldn’t get it up! Oh now I’m getting shitty. I told him he had better talk to a doctor because my ass wasn’t going to put up with no sex. It’s one thing if we’d been married for years and my spouse suddenly had a medical condition. But damn, we had just started dating, I didn’t even know if I liked him that much!

So we tried every variety of the little blue pill. But it was just such a pain in the ass. You had to take a pill and wait for it to work. I like being spontaneous. I can’t say it was all bad, there were like, um 1, 2, maybe 3 times in a year and a half that the sex was really good. But most of the time it was like having some big ass virgin on top of me flopping around trying to poke me with a limp dick. Not my idea of fun. Finally I said fuck it and didn’t even want to bother anymore. Why even get horny when the most I could hope for was a finger.

After awhile of this (remember we dated a year and a half) I just became the bitch from Hell. You see while I gave up on sex, he didn’t. You can only put a man off so much. So I’d lay there while he fumbled around, trying like Hell to get me wet. By this time though nothing about him excited me. I remember more than once him spitting on my fucking crotch. I’m not talking he went down on me and got me wet. Or spit on his hand and lubricated his dick. This man would literally be laying on top of me, suddenly sit up and spit a fucking loogie on my crotch (insert noise from your imagination here). Then he’d hurry and try to get it in. If he was successful it sure didn’t last long because he was certain to go limp in a few seconds. I’m sure the disgusted look on my face on the my frozen body was sure to make any man limp.

Finally I would do anything I could to discourage sex.  He’d be on top (always on top, I wasn’t going to waste any of my energy) I would say things like, “After 33 years I would have thought you’d know how to touch a woman, I guess I was wrong” or “can you hurry up and get this over with”. Of course he was a glutton for punishment, or in love, maybe low self esteem. Who the fuck knows. But when you’re trying to get a chick in bed and she says “gee uh gonna have to say no thank you, I know what I’d be getting” or “sorry but sex with you just kills my sex drive”, then you deserve whatever the fuck you get.

Finally it got to the point where the mere though of sex with him made me want to puke. I’d say I was sick, tired, busy, anything to put him off. Then run into the bedroom as soon as he left and rub one off with my lovely toys. Now I’m sure you are asking why did I continue to date him for a year and a half? Well, he wasn’t bad looking, had a job, his own apartment, a car, never married, no kids, teeth, and I hate to be cynical, but I live in a real small town and it’s hard to find a man with all of that.

So when I get the question on how can I go a year, two years, 3 years without even the hint of sex, this kind of answers it. I sure do WISH I could say this is the only man I ever dated like this, but unfortunately he isn’t…

SHHHHH they’re coming for me — December 7, 2014

SHHHHH they’re coming for me

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I know they are, I see them everywhere. No not the mental hospital you assholes, but damn spiders. Ever since I was little I’ve caught spiders as pets. Most people, as they get older, start killing the suckers. Well not me HAHA. I still catch the damn things for my kids. But see the problem here is I have a terrible, really terrible reaction to spider bites, I’m not kidding. I’ve been in the ER twice for bites.

Once several years ago a spider bit my ass while I was sleeping naked. Yes I said my ass. Could have been a lot worse but I didn’t know what had happened for a few days. I thought I had a pimple on my ass. But I itched so bad from the waste down. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, it was like a million pin pricks all over my body. I would take a damn hairbrush and scratch the crack of my ass till it bled, still no relief. Finally I went to the ER and they gave me a shot and some Benedryl. And now I have a scar on my ass from a spider bite. But did that stop me from catching them? Oh Hell no.

I was with Kathi one night and we saw this huge spider outside my apartment so I run and grab a container. Well the damn thing had a bunch of babies on it’s back (it was a wolf spider) and in the process I got bit on the finger. Off to the ER again.  And yet I did not stop.

My boys love spiders. So anyway I kept catching spiders and I have caught some HUGE spiders for my kids. But now, they’re coming for me. It started with a spider in the shower. Felt like I was in the movie Arachniphobia. Then I’m sleeping one night and I feel something on my face. I’m half sleep and I reach up to brush it and a spider fell on my arm so I flipped the damn thing to the floor. Creeped me out but yet I still didn’t understand. Not yet…

Well then last week I’m all snuggled in bed, watching tv, all the other lights off. And inches from my face there was a fricking spider dragging an EGG SACK! OH MY GOD! It was the most disgusting thing ever. What if I had been sleeping? What if it had gotten in my mouth!? What if in my sleep I had popped the egg sack and baby spiders swarmed everywhere!?! I jumped outa bed and the damn thing ran under my covers. In a frantic I tore the covers from the bed and it ran under the pillow. I threw the pillows and it ran down the side of the bed. So I pulled of the mattress and boxsprings and killed the damn thing. Then I had to pick the egg sack up and flush it (hoping like Hell none escaped). Talk about heebie jeebies. I couldn’t sleep till 5am. I just sat there and looked at my empty bed, wondering if there were any other spiders gonna get me while I was sleeping.

It took awhile but I finally got used to sleeping in my bed again. Then last night it happened. I was sitting in the chair by my bed, looked up, and on the ceiling above me was a spider. They’re coming for me, I know it…

Um, you got a little something… — December 6, 2014

Um, you got a little something…

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Okay now I ask you, what do you do when someone is talking to you and they have a booger hanging out of their nose? Now me personally, if it’s someone like a clerk or someone I don’t know well, I just stand there in fear. Like a deer in headlights. “do I say something do I not say something”. Then I start thinking about what if I don’t say something and they walk around all day like that! Or how bout this, a co-worker! Nothing worse than sitting there and having someone stand over you with a big ol’ booger hanging from their nose. Again I’m just sitting there petrified, “do I say something? what if I embarrass them. certainly someone else will tell them”. Now if it’s a friend, I’l tell them to wipe their damn nose. Hell my kids, I’ll wipe it myself. But this brings back memories of my high school boyfriend.

I was young, stupid, and believe it or not didn’t open my mouth as much. Okay that’s a lie. But there was one night we were having sex and he was pumping away on top. I look up and hanging from his nose is this huge, slimy booger. Not like a little crusty at the corner, or something peeking from way up in there. But this big green mucus plug about to drop from his nose onto my face. I couldn’t say a word! I didn’t want to embarress him and we WERE having sex! Now remember I was about 16 at the time, so I wasn’t quite as wordy as now.

He was taller than me so I couldn’t always look him in the face, which at that moment was a blessing. He was pumping away having a great old time. Meanwhile I’m looking to the side horrified and hoping to God it was over soon. But when he looked back down at me, the booger was GONE!!!!! I have no idea if he sucked it back up, realized it was hanging out and wiped it, or god forbid it fell in my hair! I’m sick just thinking about it. So I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut when someone is talking to me with a big ass booger in their nose. If you are one of these people and I tell you to wipe your nose, please don’t take it as an insult. I just can’t handle the stress of wondering if that shits gonna fall on me.