SHHHHH they’re coming for me

I know they are, I see them everywhere. No not the mental hospital you assholes, but damn spiders. Ever since I was little I’ve caught spiders as pets. Most people, as they get older, start killing the suckers. Well not me HAHA. I still catch the damn things for my kids. But see the problem here is I have a terrible, really terrible reaction to spider bites, I’m not kidding. I’ve been in the ER twice for bites.

Once several years ago a spider bit my ass while I was sleeping naked. Yes I said my ass. Could have been a lot worse but I didn’t know what had happened for a few days. I thought I had a pimple on my ass. But I itched so bad from the waste down. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, it was like a million pin pricks all over my body. I would take a damn hairbrush and scratch the crack of my ass till it bled, still no relief. Finally I went to the ER and they gave me a shot and some Benedryl. And now I have a scar on my ass from a spider bite. But did that stop me from catching them? Oh Hell no.

I was with Kathi one night and we saw this huge spider outside my apartment so I run and grab a container. Well the damn thing had a bunch of babies on it’s back (it was a wolf spider) and in the process I got bit on the finger. Off to the ER again.  And yet I did not stop.

My boys love spiders. So anyway I kept catching spiders and I have caught some HUGE spiders for my kids. But now, they’re coming for me. It started with a spider in the shower. Felt like I was in the movie Arachniphobia. Then I’m sleeping one night and I feel something on my face. I’m half sleep and I reach up to brush it and a spider fell on my arm so I flipped the damn thing to the floor. Creeped me out but yet I still didn’t understand. Not yet…

Well then last week I’m all snuggled in bed, watching tv, all the other lights off. And inches from my face there was a fricking spider dragging an EGG SACK! OH MY GOD! It was the most disgusting thing ever. What if I had been sleeping? What if it had gotten in my mouth!? What if in my sleep I had popped the egg sack and baby spiders swarmed everywhere!?! I jumped outa bed and the damn thing ran under my covers. In a frantic I tore the covers from the bed and it ran under the pillow. I threw the pillows and it ran down the side of the bed. So I pulled of the mattress and boxsprings and killed the damn thing. Then I had to pick the egg sack up and flush it (hoping like Hell none escaped). Talk about heebie jeebies. I couldn’t sleep till 5am. I just sat there and looked at my empty bed, wondering if there were any other spiders gonna get me while I was sleeping.

It took awhile but I finally got used to sleeping in my bed again. Then last night it happened. I was sitting in the chair by my bed, looked up, and on the ceiling above me was a spider. They’re coming for me, I know it…