Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Category: Yikes

I’m horny, do you have a towel? — January 9, 2015

I’m horny, do you have a towel?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Awhile back I decided to go and see a dollar movie. I love watching cheap movies, ones that usually aren’t on video yet, and eating big bag of popcorn. As soon as I walked into the theater and start heading to pay I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold back so it would be just a little one. Well that didn’t work. What happened is I had a huge green gob of snot flying from my nose down my chin. I ran right past the register and grabbed napkins at the concession stand. As I was trying to wipe the snot from my face I nod at the girl at the register and go to the bathroom to clean up. Very gross and very embarrassing. Walking back up to the register to pay was worse than a walk of shame. But hey, at least it wasn’t busy and only the cashier saw my humiliation.

This incident brought back memories of middle school. There was this girl that I had been friends with. My friend and I were walking to lunch one day and she sneezed, big time. She covered her nose with her hand because that’s a normal reaction when you sneeze.  But here’s where we’re different. Her hand was full of snot when she pulled it away. When she covered her nose she blew this thick gob of dark green snot into her hand. She looked at her hand then proceeded to wipe her hand on her pants. I’m not kidding. Snot all over her pants, just wiped her hand off and said let’s go to lunch. Of course I didn’t say anything. For one, I really like food and even snot isn’t going to detour me from eating but also because she was my friend. At that time I was younger and, believe it or not, cared about people’s feelings. Or maybe I was just as weird as her. Fuck if I know. I hope not though.

This is also the girl who liked this one guy and no matter how hard she tried he wouldn’t go out with her. Well one day they were hanging out at her house, drinking, laughing, just having fun and he must have gotten drunk enough to say fuck it, why not? So she and this guy start messing around and he has the audacity to ask her if she would put a towel over her head before he would have sex with her! Of course when she’s telling me this I’m thinking she’s going to follow through with a slap to the face or a kick to the nuts. But no, she had sex with the guy and complied when he asked her to put a towel over her face. NO KIDDING.

I don’t give a shit how horny I am if some mother fucker asked me put a towel over my face I’d punch him in the head. How would you even respond to that? “Ok, sure, should I get a hand, bath, or beach towel?” Seriously though, looking back at my past relationships it makes me wonder if I should have asked for a towel once in a while. Not for me of course, but some of those fuckers I dated were ugly HAHAHA

Bah Bah Black Sheep — December 15, 2014

Bah Bah Black Sheep

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Anyone that knows me knows I run my mouth a mile a minute. Doesn’t even have to be when I’m drinking, I simply don’t have a filter. Well years ago I went out to Vinnie’s bar with Kris and we run into these two young guys. Nice guys, we had met the one before. So the new guy is talking to me and is obviously drunk as Hell. After chatting me up for awhile he asks, “What are you doing November? Do you want to go to an Amish party?” I only had a couple of drinks but it doesn’t take much for me to put my foot in my mouth. So I reply, “Why the fuck would I want to go to an Amish party? So I can drink beer and fuck a sheep?” As I laugh at my hilarious joke this guy replies, “What if I told you there was an Amish in here right now?” So my ignorant ass still isn’t getting it and I’m turning in a 360 and saying loudly, “There’s no fucking Amish in here! They wouldn’t be here, there’s no sheep!” It was at this point I noticed my friend Kris and this guy’s friend frantically waving their arms, covering their mouths, doing a cutting motion across their throats.

Of course I’m all confused, “What the fuck you doing?” I holler. Turns out this guy is fucking Amish, well was raised Amish but was in the process of leaving the order and because of that he was wearing regular cloths. So then I’m trying to do some major backtracking. “Uh, yeah I went to AC we were known as Amish college”, “I love the Amish, I had Amish friends”, “I’d really like an Amish to clean my house, they are so reliable”. I was rambling trying to think of anything to smooth this humiliating situation over.

Luckily this guy was so drunk he couldn’t even stand. So as we drank I was extra nice. That was till the end of the night when we were all smashed and he passed out at the bar. The poor guy was sitting on a bar stool with his head laying on the bar and I got the bright idea to start making sheep noises in his ear. “BAHHHH BAHHHH BAHHHH” Now before you go thinking I’m a horrible person, three more people joined me. Hee hee, we were all making sheep noises just to see if he would wake up to see what his girlfriend wanted HAHAHAHA. When he finally woke up Kris kept calling him sheep boy and told him it was time to go out to pasture. Ah, good times.

SHHHHH they’re coming for me — December 7, 2014

SHHHHH they’re coming for me

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

I know they are, I see them everywhere. No not the mental hospital you assholes, but damn spiders. Ever since I was little I’ve caught spiders as pets. Most people, as they get older, start killing the suckers. Well not me HAHA. I still catch the damn things for my kids. But see the problem here is I have a terrible, really terrible reaction to spider bites, I’m not kidding. I’ve been in the ER twice for bites.

Once several years ago a spider bit my ass while I was sleeping naked. Yes I said my ass. Could have been a lot worse but I didn’t know what had happened for a few days. I thought I had a pimple on my ass. But I itched so bad from the waste down. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, it was like a million pin pricks all over my body. I would take a damn hairbrush and scratch the crack of my ass till it bled, still no relief. Finally I went to the ER and they gave me a shot and some Benedryl. And now I have a scar on my ass from a spider bite. But did that stop me from catching them? Oh Hell no.

I was with Kathi one night and we saw this huge spider outside my apartment so I run and grab a container. Well the damn thing had a bunch of babies on it’s back (it was a wolf spider) and in the process I got bit on the finger. Off to the ER again.  And yet I did not stop.

My boys love spiders. So anyway I kept catching spiders and I have caught some HUGE spiders for my kids. But now, they’re coming for me. It started with a spider in the shower. Felt like I was in the movie Arachniphobia. Then I’m sleeping one night and I feel something on my face. I’m half sleep and I reach up to brush it and a spider fell on my arm so I flipped the damn thing to the floor. Creeped me out but yet I still didn’t understand. Not yet…

Well then last week I’m all snuggled in bed, watching tv, all the other lights off. And inches from my face there was a fricking spider dragging an EGG SACK! OH MY GOD! It was the most disgusting thing ever. What if I had been sleeping? What if it had gotten in my mouth!? What if in my sleep I had popped the egg sack and baby spiders swarmed everywhere!?! I jumped outa bed and the damn thing ran under my covers. In a frantic I tore the covers from the bed and it ran under the pillow. I threw the pillows and it ran down the side of the bed. So I pulled of the mattress and boxsprings and killed the damn thing. Then I had to pick the egg sack up and flush it (hoping like Hell none escaped). Talk about heebie jeebies. I couldn’t sleep till 5am. I just sat there and looked at my empty bed, wondering if there were any other spiders gonna get me while I was sleeping.

It took awhile but I finally got used to sleeping in my bed again. Then last night it happened. I was sitting in the chair by my bed, looked up, and on the ceiling above me was a spider. They’re coming for me, I know it…