Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Month: January 2015

I’m Too Old For This Shit — January 6, 2015

I’m Too Old For This Shit

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Went to Snickerz Comedy Club Comedy Club and to dinner quite a while back with my friends Angie and Kris. At dinner my friend Angie ordered this big ass margarita. I mean this sucker was 48oz, never seen one that big. I had only ordered a 12oz. So much smaller than what she got, story of my life I guess. Well I drank mine then proceeded to fill my glass from Angie’s. Then drank Kris’ drink also. Then, filled my glass again from Angie’s. Although I should have stopped at that point Angie had some left so I just drank it. Damn I was getting drunk.

We then went to Snickerz Comedy Club. Talked to the manager about my doing open mic nite again. Not only did he remember me but a couple of other guys there remembered me too. Of course my response to that is it’s kind of hard to forget me up on stage talking about bad sex ha-ha. At Snickerz I had a big rum runner while there then half another one. Before I even finished the second I realized, damn I’m drunk. So I quit drinking. Anyway after Snickerz a few of us went to Piere’s, the part that was CLUB V at the time. I guess you could call it the hip hop side. Well in my drunkenness I decided I was going to dance in the cage like I did back in the day.

I’m up there dancing and shaking my hips like i was 22 again. I’m really getting into it, shake, shake shake. I know I have to look hot as Hell, whipping my head back and forth and moving my hips. Of course in reality I probably looked like some old ass freak, dressed like a hooker and flopping around like I was having a seizure. But damn 30 seconds of that and I was worn out. My friends go on the dance floor so I slithered out of the cage like I was a damn stripper. As soon as my feet hit the floor vomit comes up in my mouth. I didn’t puke, but it reached past my throat. I mean I could feel chunks on my tongue. (If that grossed you out imagine how I felt). Not wanting to look like a fool in this busy busy club, I swallow the shit back down and decide my dancing is over for the night.

There I was just standing to the side looking like a dork, trying not to puke. While I’m standing there one of our friends decides to leave so I have now taken the position of cock blocking body guard and walk her out because by this point I was becoming the sober one. We stop and talk to a cop on the way who is sitting in his car learning how to play guitar. I’m not kidding. The neck of the guitar is out his window and he had his music sheet out. He said he was off duty and working for the bar. After chatting up rodeo cop I take my friend to her car and return to the bar.

I went back inside to be big momma cock blocking body guard to the other two dancing fools. As I’m standing there I realized, man I really needed to fart. Well I’m drunk; sick as Hell to my stomach from dancing, so I figured fuck it. And I then became the farting cock blocking body guard. I recommend you don’t eat Mexican before a night of dancing at the clubs. Every time I walked, Hell moved, I had the flapping of my cheeks and the prayers to God I wasn’t going to shart myself. I can’t even tell you if it smelled. I’d fart, move, fart, move, fart, and move. Maybe I was simply marking my territory?

This experience brought back a memory from years prior.  Another time I went to Piere’s with my friend Angie and we were in this huge crowd. I had to fart so bad I could help it. Talk about silent but deadly. It was as if a cloud of rotten eggs and shit was hovering around us. It was so bad it grossed me out, let alone everyone around me. Angie crunched her face up in disgust and said “Man somebody just shit themselves let’s get outa here!” So we left. I never did tell her it was me. Of course if she reads this she’ll know my secret hee hee.

At the end of the night I had to lead those two drunken asses out. We tried to go out the wrong door and the bouncers had it closed. The one did tell me I was hot. Yea that’s me, the hot, farting, puking, dancing fool. Fun times. But man I’m getting old. Back in the day I could drink all night, party till the bar closed then go out for breakfast. After sleeping a few hours I could be out again. Now if I do make it out past midnight it’s a special occasion and once in a while I’ll say fuck it and just wear my robe when I go HAHAHA

I Can’t Even Give It Away — January 5, 2015

I Can’t Even Give It Away

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

When I moved back to Decatur I didn’t date anyone for quite awhile. I had gone on a couple of dates, but never more than two and no sex for something like a year and a half. So once again I found myself in celibate hell and I wasn’t about to let it get to another three years again. Well I had this male friend who was always telling us how big his dick was and how good he was in bed, could go all night long and shit like that. All the time we’d laugh and laugh about it. Finally one night I thought, fuck it. I’m going to see just how good he is. Other people have fuck buddies, why not me? So I send him a text and ask him if he wanted to rent some movies. He said sure.

I go over to his place and we are sitting on the couch watching this movie. And all I could think about was “Okay now when are we going to have sex. He has to know what I came over for!” Dude never made a move! So about half way through the movie I decided to stretch my legs out over his, undo my pants, like I was just relaxing you know, but “oh look an invitation”. Still nothing. Now I was getting really frustrated. We watched an entire movie as I’m lay there sprawled out, pants undone, wondering how the heck I was going to get him to jump me. After the movie was done he asks if I want to watch another movie. I say “Sure, why don’t we watch it in the bedroom.”

So we go in this guy’s bedroom. This time I decide to make it perfectly clear what I’m there for. I take off my pants, take off my bra and lay on top of the covers in just panties and a t-shirt. He never touched me. I’m putting one arm above my head, and then the other, stretching, looked over at him a few times. NOTHING. I know I know I could have jumped him and just been aggressive, but dammit I’m a lady and I want to feel like a man wants me! You have to remember I’d hardly even been asked out in almost 2 years so I was already wondering what was wrong with me and I hoping to be seduced. About half way through the second (very bad) movie I’m feeling like I must be the ugliest, fattest freak known to man so I get up and get dressed. As I’m walking out the door he asked where I was going. I yell “HOME!” and walked out.

He sent me a text telling me I was confusing. I responded, “Here’s some advice. The next time you have a half naked woman in your bed, YOU FUCK HER!” This happened years ago but once again I find myself in the same situation two years without a date, not even someone holding my hand. But now I’m older and wiser so there will be no more trying to be seduced by men. Think I’ll just get another cat…

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs? — January 4, 2015

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

We stopped at on our way to Hell (also known as Miami Florida) at some random grocery store so that I could use the bathroom. Their bathroom was one of those unisex ones where there wasn’t an individual stall but just a large open area, a toilet and a sink. Not the cleanest place you can imagine, but I really had to go so I locked the door and sat down.

As I sat there doing my business I just start looking around the room and notice these small, white pill looking things all over the floor. Me being the idiot I am, kind of bend over a little bit and squint my eyes so I can see what they were. And then it hit me… Rolled up toilet paper with shit on them! Jesus people, does no body know how to wipe their damn ass!

We’re not talking just a couple pieces because now I’m really looking and they are all over the damn floor, right up to the door. So then I’m fucking wondering if this person, whoever it was, might be walking around the store right now dropping little bits of shit paper everywhere. After I was done I had to maneuver around what I now saw as a mine field and try to get the Hell out of there without getting poop pills stuck to my shoes.

After that happened I now find myself looking on the floor in every public restroom, out of curiosity, sickness, boredom, whatever you want to call it, I’ll sit there and look at the floor. I’ll be damned if I don’t see it everywhere now. Just today I was sitting on the toilet at work and glanced at the floor. Yup, right there it was. Someone was wiping their ass like their butt was wood and the toilet paper was sandpaper and they were trying to smooth it clean.

Fold and wipe people, fold and wipe. You may end up using a whole damn roll of toilet paper but at least you won’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs falling out the leg of your pants as you walk to your desk. I don’t know who has the bigger issue. Them for making such a mess in their underwear that they probably have to shake it out at the end of the day or me for looking for these bits of shit paper. Go ahead and judge people, sometimes I forget my phone and just need something to do while I sit there. HAHAHAHA

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now Get Your Fat Ass In There And Change — January 1, 2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now Get Your Fat Ass In There And Change

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

One New Year’s Eve I went out to dinner with a friend. We had a good time eating, laughing, just killing time till I had to meet the guy I was dating. After dinner I went over to my boyfriends place because we were going to a party at his friend’s house. I was wearing this baby doll tee and a button shirt open over it. But I was feeling like maybe the t-shirt was a little tight.

I walk in the door at my boyfriend’s place and asked him if he thought my shirt was a little tight. And this is the response I got, “Oh ya it’s way too tight. When you walked in the door I thought “Oh God” (as he scrunched up his face like he just saw a pile of dog shit) I can’t believe you even wore that. God (again with the face).” As I stand there in shock I say “I didn’t think I looked that bad, I wore this to work so one said anything.” He says “Oh ya it’s bad. Where did you and Mandy eat?” So I tell him JD’s (I like their Mexican food). He then says “That’s why you look the way you do all that Mexican food you eat (the dog shit face again). We have an hour before we have to leave so you have time to go home and change.” By the time these words finished leaving his mouth I was walking my fat ass back out the door.

He yells “HEY! Where are you going?”, and runs outside after me. I tell him, “There’s no way in Hell I’m going out with you tonight.”  I get in my car and he starts pounding on my door but I wouldn’t open it, so he jumps behind my car. What a fool cuz I’ll run over a stupid mother fucker, I won’t hesitate. So I back up, and keep backing up, and then really start giving it some gas as I back up. All of a sudden THUMP! So I stop. He comes limping up to my window but I wouldn’t roll it down. He starts whining, “You ran over my foot, you gotta take me to the hospital.” I figured if I did run over his foot I was probably going to jail so I roll down my window to talk to him only to find out the fucker was lying. He was just trying to get me to roll my window down.

As soon as it was down enough he lunged in my car hanging half way in trying to kiss me, “Come on baby, I love you, I want to go to this party with you. Just hurry up and go home and change.” Stupid fucker, at this time I was willing to go to jail so I hit the gas. He’s half way in my window, jogging beside my car and I’m kicking up the speed. So he starts screaming “STOP STOP you’re making me run!” So I say “are you going to get the fuck out of my car?” When he said yes, I stopped. He got his sorry ass out and I drove away. But wait, it didn’t end there!

I needed to calm down so I just start driving around town. He started calling me and leaving me messages “Come on baby I love you, just hurry up and change so we can go” “ Baby I  love you for who you are not what you look like” “I’m sitting outside your place right now, where are you? Change baby and we can go to this party” I heard that one and bypassed my place and went to the roller rink to see another friend.

Once I got there I started trying to tell her what happened and I’m bawling and bawling. I already have insecurities and this dude just made me feel like the fattest ugliest thing on earth. While I’m sitting there with her he’s still calling “We can still make the party if you just change, I love you, where are you?” “I’m at the party and my friends are asking where you are, they think you don’t like them” No you stupid fuck, it’s you I can’t stand, I actually like your friends.

Well my friend gets me calmed down we go over to Wal-mart where I run into a guy who used to hang around my boyfriend. So I tell him what happened. And he says, “Erica I’m going to tell you something about _______ he’s a really nice guy, but he’s just not that bright.” Damn he’s right. So then my girlfriend starts saying, “He can’t help it he’s stupid. (In this lispsy funny voice)” So that got me laughing.

As pathetic as I am though I decide I didn’t want to spend New Years alone, but I’ll be damned if I was taking my fat ass to any parties. So I go over to this guy’s place and just watch TV, thinking I’ll wait till he gets there. He called me again and this time I answered. He’s going on and on how he loves me and asked where I was. When I said his place he came right home. So as the countdown began, we were laying on the couch holding each other.  I told him he had really hurt my feelings. And he responds, “Well don’t ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to.” Goddamn stupid mother fucker. I hate him. I mean some serious hatred here. HAHAHAHAHA