Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Month: December 2014

Near Sex-What’s On TV — December 11, 2014

Near Sex-What’s On TV

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Now everyone knows I’m a psycho prude when it comes to sex. But guess what? I’m normal just like each and every one of you. Let’s just say if you think I have bad luck in the sack when I’m dating a guy, well my attempts at one night stands were even worse. Back when I was in my twenties I went three years without even a single date. Yes that’s right, you heard me, not even a date. So sex? Well forget about that one. My friends and I hit the bars every weekend but I must have had “BITCH” written across my forehead because I got nothing. And don’t go thinking I was a dog then either, that was after only one kid so my curves looked good. No, my problem is, the more I drink the more paranoid I get, and I’m all about “you better show me respect!” Drunks at the bar are not all about respect they are all about getting laid.

Anyway, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to take a guy home and fuck his brains out. There was this one guy my friends and I always saw at Piere’s. He was funny and cute, always flirted with me and wasn’t a total stranger. So I figured what the Hell. This guy and I jump in my car and are trying to figure out where to go. Well I didn’t want to take him to my place because I barely knew him. For that same reason I didn’t want to go to his. So we decided to go to a hotel. He goes in and pays for the room and although I felt a little cheesy I was excited to finally be getting some sex after three years.

We go up to the room, take each other’s clothes off, and right away he goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, if a guy knows what the Hell he’s doing that can be quite nice. But this guy shouldn’t have even started. So I tell him, “Look can you just stop?” No response, “Please? Hello?!” He would not stop. I try to pull away from him and he had such a vice grip on my legs I actually had bruises the next day. Again I try to get him to stop, “Hello? Look you’re not doing anything for me. Can we just have sex please?” Dude would still not stop. Finally I took to tapping him on the head. I’m not shitting you, there I am patting this guy on the head and telling him for the love of God would he just stop. Still he wouldn’t. Finally I got so bored I reached over for the remote to the TV, had to stretch bit, all the while he’s holding on tightly acting like he’d die if he came up for air. After getting my hands on the remote I turned the TV on. Took me a few minutes of flipping through channels but finally found Harlem nights with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.

Now I don’t know about you ladies but if I was giving some guy a blowjob and I hear a TV go on I think I’d stop. Oh no not this guy. After about two hours of the worse oral sex of my life my crotch was finally numb, my legs bruised and I was bored as Hell. So I decided to just go to sleep. It’s not like he was going to notice, Hell he hadn’t paid attention to my tapping on his head so what’s a little snoring. Yes, that’s right; I just laid my head back and tried to sleep. I dozed off a bit and when he finally stopped I just acted like I was passed out. Next morning we jumped in my car, took this guy home. Talk about a quiet ride. Ran into him at the bar a about a week after and avoided his ass. Finally he corned me and said he’s never had someone he had sex with flat out avoid him. I had to laugh in his face and tell him I may not have had much experience but I certainly didn’t call what we had sex. So much for my one night stand. LOL

I Think I’m Pregnant — December 10, 2014

I Think I’m Pregnant

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I had been dating this guy who was a complete ass. The entire time we were dating he would do things to try to piss me off, like tell me shit just to get a reaction. I’m so gullible I’d believed him at first. I didn’t realize he didn’t have his nipples pierced till I saw him naked. And I would have sworn he had a stripper pole till I saw his bedroom. He would do this shit all the time! Not only that but he was constantly talking about other women he had sex with, even going so far as to point them out if we should see them (we live in a very small town).

So after awhile I got this little plan in my mind. My friend Dawn was pregnant so I had her pee on a pregnancy test for me. Yes ladies and gentlemen a positive pregnancy test. I put the test back in the box and even went so far as to glue the box shut. So this guy came over, and I was telling him I’ve gained about 5 pounds and I wasn’t feeling good. I’ve had a couple of kids, so I knew what to say, tender breasts, swollen feet, nausea. Oh ya. Well that night I was taking my vitamins and he asked what I was taking and I said “Well I have to be careful what I take because, well, cuz well I don’t know.” He asked me “Are you pregnant?” With tears in my eyes I replied, “I don’t know, I doubt it.” So now he’s really wondering, “Have you been feeling ok?” “Not really”, I say.  At this point I’m starting to laugh so I go and sit down and won’t look at him because I know if I do I won’t be able to keep a straight face. He keeps asking me “You think you’re pregnant?” So I go and grab the pregnancy test and hand him the box.

Now remember I had glued it shut so it looked like a new test. You should have seen his face it was great. I told him I was going to go take the test right then. My older son was in the bathroom getting out of the shower so I grabbed the box, opened it and took the test out, laid the box on my bookshelf and went in the bathroom. I told my son what I was doing and told him to go ask this guy what two lines on a pregnancy test meant. And the kid was perfect. I mean he’s such an actor. I hear him ask and this guy saying “What are you talking about?!?!” Then my son says all excited, “I’m going to have a little brother or sister!” I’m dying laughing in the bathroom. I mean I’m laughing to hard I can barely stand.

I go out and grab the box that shows on the back what two lines mean. I’m shaking, I have tears in my eyes and just have the look of fear on my face. The guy grabs the box from me goes into the bathroom and just keeps looking at the test and the box, pregnancy test, box, pregnancy test box. Just keeps looking back and forth, back and forth. I’m sitting on the floor outside the bathroom laughing so hard I bout peed my self. He comes out and at first thinks I’m crying. Then I tell him it’s a joke, Dawn peed on it. He calls me an asshole and calls Dawn. Then Dawn tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So he’s all worried, “This was a joke right?” it was great. I’m telling you I’m still laughing about that. I pointed out to him all the times he was “joking” with me. Haha mother fucker.

Before you feel any sympathy for him or think I’m a major bitch let me say something. This guy constantly farted on me, pointed out every woman he either had his dick in or wanted to put it in and was just plain an ass. Besides, don’t fuck with me because I’m one of the best and I will get you back, only better hahaha

What Up Homies — December 9, 2014

What Up Homies

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Years ago my son and a friend and I go to Carlos O’kelly’s mexican restaurant in Fort Wayne. They had those little candy and toy machines. So of course Conrad wanted to get something. I gave him some quarters and just said to get whatever. He wanted one of these little guys, or figurines, whatever they were. I looked and thought they were like little fighting men. And then I noticed the sign on the machine, “HOMIES COLLECT ALL 24”. I’m thinking what the Hell???? Homies? So we put our quarters in and pull it out a little Mexican dude.

Black handle bar moustache, wearing a white shirt and a stocking cap. I about died laughing. So we had to get more quarters and see what else there was. Kris and I were laughing about these homies and how they are all little Mexican men dressed as gangsters. She swears up and down the one conrad has had a gun in his pocket. There was another one with a wife beater, shades and a do-rag on his head. We were laughing about homies and the waitress comes up and sees Conrad playing with his little men and says “Oh so he got a homie”. Of course that set us off again in laughter. I mean really, who in their right mind thought that little Mexican homies wasn’t the least bit stereotypical or racist. And I’m sorry but I had to say it makes me wonder if somewhere they have more of these machines “CRACKERS COLLECT ALL 24” how about “CRACK WHORES COLLECT ALL 24”.

Seriously though I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I can’t believe no one complained. Then that night my older son Zachary saw Conrad’s little man and said “Conrad got a homie? I have a friend that collects those”. Now how in the Hell long have homies been around? Has anyone else heard of these?  Carlos O’kellys is closed now so I can’t even tell you if they still sell them. All I know is they made for one funny night.

 

 

Got A Popsicle Stick? — December 8, 2014

Got A Popsicle Stick?

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Gotta tell you about this one guy I dated. He was one of the worst lays I have ever had. I’m not joking! Not that every man I date has nothing to offer but a limp dick and an empty wallet, but I think I get more than my fair share. Let me just give you a little taste of what my life was like.

The very first night we were together, we had been out to the bar. Go back to my place to get a little somethin somethin. I take my clothes off, crawl into bed, and the guy can’t get hard for nothing. He tells me “stick it in it’ll get hard.” Now I ask you, how in the hell and I suppose to stick a limp dick in my twat? Seriously now. What tie a fucking popsicle stick to it? I tried everything to get him up. Of course me being a woman thinks right away it’s cuz I’m fat, and have stretch marks, that I just didn’t turn him on. So I’m bawling away. He assures me it wasn’t me, that he just had “whisky dick”. Whisky dick my ass!

The next time we tried fucking, once again he couldn’t get it up. Oh come on now, I know that shit ain’t me. So I put off the sex for a few weeks. But damn I love sex! So I thought maybe if we did something a little kinky that might get him going. So one night at Vinnie’s I drag him in the bathroom and try to get him to do it standing up in a stall. I say “try” because dude couldn’t get it up! Oh now I’m getting shitty. I told him he had better talk to a doctor because my ass wasn’t going to put up with no sex. It’s one thing if we’d been married for years and my spouse suddenly had a medical condition. But damn, we had just started dating, I didn’t even know if I liked him that much!

So we tried every variety of the little blue pill. But it was just such a pain in the ass. You had to take a pill and wait for it to work. I like being spontaneous. I can’t say it was all bad, there were like, um 1, 2, maybe 3 times in a year and a half that the sex was really good. But most of the time it was like having some big ass virgin on top of me flopping around trying to poke me with a limp dick. Not my idea of fun. Finally I said fuck it and didn’t even want to bother anymore. Why even get horny when the most I could hope for was a finger.

After awhile of this (remember we dated a year and a half) I just became the bitch from Hell. You see while I gave up on sex, he didn’t. You can only put a man off so much. So I’d lay there while he fumbled around, trying like Hell to get me wet. By this time though nothing about him excited me. I remember more than once him spitting on my fucking crotch. I’m not talking he went down on me and got me wet. Or spit on his hand and lubricated his dick. This man would literally be laying on top of me, suddenly sit up and spit a fucking loogie on my crotch (insert noise from your imagination here). Then he’d hurry and try to get it in. If he was successful it sure didn’t last long because he was certain to go limp in a few seconds. I’m sure the disgusted look on my face on the my frozen body was sure to make any man limp.

Finally I would do anything I could to discourage sex.  He’d be on top (always on top, I wasn’t going to waste any of my energy) I would say things like, “After 33 years I would have thought you’d know how to touch a woman, I guess I was wrong” or “can you hurry up and get this over with”. Of course he was a glutton for punishment, or in love, maybe low self esteem. Who the fuck knows. But when you’re trying to get a chick in bed and she says “gee uh gonna have to say no thank you, I know what I’d be getting” or “sorry but sex with you just kills my sex drive”, then you deserve whatever the fuck you get.

Finally it got to the point where the mere though of sex with him made me want to puke. I’d say I was sick, tired, busy, anything to put him off. Then run into the bedroom as soon as he left and rub one off with my lovely toys. Now I’m sure you are asking why did I continue to date him for a year and a half? Well, he wasn’t bad looking, had a job, his own apartment, a car, never married, no kids, teeth, and I hate to be cynical, but I live in a real small town and it’s hard to find a man with all of that.

So when I get the question on how can I go a year, two years, 3 years without even the hint of sex, this kind of answers it. I sure do WISH I could say this is the only man I ever dated like this, but unfortunately he isn’t…

SHHHHH they’re coming for me — December 7, 2014

SHHHHH they’re coming for me

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I know they are, I see them everywhere. No not the mental hospital you assholes, but damn spiders. Ever since I was little I’ve caught spiders as pets. Most people, as they get older, start killing the suckers. Well not me HAHA. I still catch the damn things for my kids. But see the problem here is I have a terrible, really terrible reaction to spider bites, I’m not kidding. I’ve been in the ER twice for bites.

Once several years ago a spider bit my ass while I was sleeping naked. Yes I said my ass. Could have been a lot worse but I didn’t know what had happened for a few days. I thought I had a pimple on my ass. But I itched so bad from the waste down. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sit, it was like a million pin pricks all over my body. I would take a damn hairbrush and scratch the crack of my ass till it bled, still no relief. Finally I went to the ER and they gave me a shot and some Benedryl. And now I have a scar on my ass from a spider bite. But did that stop me from catching them? Oh Hell no.

I was with Kathi one night and we saw this huge spider outside my apartment so I run and grab a container. Well the damn thing had a bunch of babies on it’s back (it was a wolf spider) and in the process I got bit on the finger. Off to the ER again.  And yet I did not stop.

My boys love spiders. So anyway I kept catching spiders and I have caught some HUGE spiders for my kids. But now, they’re coming for me. It started with a spider in the shower. Felt like I was in the movie Arachniphobia. Then I’m sleeping one night and I feel something on my face. I’m half sleep and I reach up to brush it and a spider fell on my arm so I flipped the damn thing to the floor. Creeped me out but yet I still didn’t understand. Not yet…

Well then last week I’m all snuggled in bed, watching tv, all the other lights off. And inches from my face there was a fricking spider dragging an EGG SACK! OH MY GOD! It was the most disgusting thing ever. What if I had been sleeping? What if it had gotten in my mouth!? What if in my sleep I had popped the egg sack and baby spiders swarmed everywhere!?! I jumped outa bed and the damn thing ran under my covers. In a frantic I tore the covers from the bed and it ran under the pillow. I threw the pillows and it ran down the side of the bed. So I pulled of the mattress and boxsprings and killed the damn thing. Then I had to pick the egg sack up and flush it (hoping like Hell none escaped). Talk about heebie jeebies. I couldn’t sleep till 5am. I just sat there and looked at my empty bed, wondering if there were any other spiders gonna get me while I was sleeping.

It took awhile but I finally got used to sleeping in my bed again. Then last night it happened. I was sitting in the chair by my bed, looked up, and on the ceiling above me was a spider. They’re coming for me, I know it…

Um, you got a little something… — December 6, 2014

Um, you got a little something…

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Okay now I ask you, what do you do when someone is talking to you and they have a booger hanging out of their nose? Now me personally, if it’s someone like a clerk or someone I don’t know well, I just stand there in fear. Like a deer in headlights. “do I say something do I not say something”. Then I start thinking about what if I don’t say something and they walk around all day like that! Or how bout this, a co-worker! Nothing worse than sitting there and having someone stand over you with a big ol’ booger hanging from their nose. Again I’m just sitting there petrified, “do I say something? what if I embarrass them. certainly someone else will tell them”. Now if it’s a friend, I’l tell them to wipe their damn nose. Hell my kids, I’ll wipe it myself. But this brings back memories of my high school boyfriend.

I was young, stupid, and believe it or not didn’t open my mouth as much. Okay that’s a lie. But there was one night we were having sex and he was pumping away on top. I look up and hanging from his nose is this huge, slimy booger. Not like a little crusty at the corner, or something peeking from way up in there. But this big green mucus plug about to drop from his nose onto my face. I couldn’t say a word! I didn’t want to embarress him and we WERE having sex! Now remember I was about 16 at the time, so I wasn’t quite as wordy as now.

He was taller than me so I couldn’t always look him in the face, which at that moment was a blessing. He was pumping away having a great old time. Meanwhile I’m looking to the side horrified and hoping to God it was over soon. But when he looked back down at me, the booger was GONE!!!!! I have no idea if he sucked it back up, realized it was hanging out and wiped it, or god forbid it fell in my hair! I’m sick just thinking about it. So I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut when someone is talking to me with a big ass booger in their nose. If you are one of these people and I tell you to wipe your nose, please don’t take it as an insult. I just can’t handle the stress of wondering if that shits gonna fall on me.

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday — December 5, 2014

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday

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Over the years I’ve had a couple of good birthdays and a shitload of bad ones. Many times I was dating someone and maybe they didn’t acknowledge my birthday or chose that particular day to cheat on me. Sometimes all it took to ruin that day was the fact it fell on Thanksgiving that year and due to it being a holiday not one person said a thing. Considering I was born on Thanksgiving Day that should have been a sign haha.

One birthday in particular brings back such lovely memories. I’d been dating this guy for almost nine months. Oh what goodies was he going to get me, perfume, a necklace, a ring???? Well he gets me a coat. Which is a very nice gift normally. But this was the ugliest ass coat I had ever seen. I pulled this thing out and it was midlength, a nasty shit brown, straight line so no shape whatsoever, and it was this brushed fabric. Not to mention a big ass collar. I’m thinking “this is the ugliest fucking coat I’ve ever seen, it’s something my mother would wear”. But bless his heart he had tried, so dammit I was going to smile and wear this ugly coat. He asked if it fit and I thought “oh please god don’t fit”. But it did. Things would have been fine except he asked the big questions “Do you like it?” Man I can’t lie for nothing. So I kept my mouth shut, he then said “I have good taste, my mom wears stuff I buy her all the time!” My response, “I bet she does.”

Oh I know what you’re thinking; this doesn’t sound like a bad birthday, at least I got a present, but let me continue. He said he wanted to take me to Fort Wayne so we got in my car and headed North. As we are driving along he takes my hand, puts it between his legs (oh he’s getting frisky), and he farts on it. Not one of those little toots either. Imagine the butt flapping noise and smell that comes to mind when you think someone shit themselves. Now imagine your hand up next to their ass. Happy Birthday to me. He then laughs like he just did the funniest thing in the world. And his laugh wasn’t a normal laugh he was a moron so his laugh was more like a 15 year old boy (he was 35),  “HUH HUH HUH HUH That was so funny!” Ya, not my idea of a good time. Then we go to the dollar movie, which I picked out, paid for and considering we took my car, spent money in gas to go see

You want to know what I got him for his birthday? A 1967 Cubs MLB autographed baseball, signed by 10 of the players from that year. I’m not shitting you; I don’t even want to tell you what this thing cost. So yes for his birthday he gets a piece of history and a collector’s item. I get a dollar movie, an ugly coat and my hand farted on. But you know, I hate to say it, he was one of the better men I’ve dated. Sure as shit makes you wonder about the other men doesn’t it…

I’m a beautiful Indian princess — December 4, 2014

I’m a beautiful Indian princess

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This one is for those of you who just didn’t want me to let you down without a good pimple story. You know I got one HAHA. Every so often I’ll get one big huge zit on my face, either by my nose, on my chin or the worse, right in the middle of my forehead. Just like those women you see from India who have that red spot in the middle of their head.

So there was this one time I got this huge pimple right in the middle of my forehead. I tried squeezing it (this only works if it’s a whitehead) and I made that shit bleed and grow like 3 times it’s size. Like the size of a dime. I’m not kidding! Tried to cover it and wear bangs so no one would notice. Well my sister and I went to a Wizards game and it was windy that day. I see this guy that I really really liked back in the day, he was still cute as hell. I decide to go talk to him. I’m standing there chatting away asking him “Don’t you remember me? Hell I thot I got better looking. How can you not remember me? Giggle Giggle”. Flirting like crazy. Dude was like “oh wow sorry didn’t recognize you.” Go back to my seat and talk to my sis. I’m like, “That was a little awkward.” My sister starts laughing her ass off. Evidently while I was talking to this guy the wind blew my bangs straight up in the air. So I’m standing there bangs sky high (teach me to use too much hairspray) and right in the middle of my head is this huge red Hindu dot looking at the guy like a third eye. No wonder why he couldn’t wait to get away from me. LOL

Ah but I got one better. I had started a new relationship with a guy. And you know right in the beginning you try your best to look good. Make sure your hair is brushed before bed, wear something cute, maybe dab a little perfume on. Had only slept with this guy a couple of times and he was going to spend the night. Oh I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. My Hindu Indian princess dot was back with a vengeance. Bigger than ever. I poked it, I prodded it, I made that shit bleed till I had to put a piece of toilet paper on it till it stopped. But dude wasn’t here yet so even though we were going to be jumping into bed I put makeup on, did my hair so my bangs covered it. Finally decided, yes this will work. Guy gets here, the lights are off, kissy kissy huggy huggy we crawl into bed. He’s caressing my arms, my neck, my face, my head, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” he yells. My god I was so humiliated. I mean seriously if you’re getting ready to fuck some chick do you really want to say some shit that’s gonna make her cry? Although I felt like crying inside I simply said in my most ominous voice, “That’s my third eye, and It’s watching you.”

So yes, if you ever see me walking along and you see I’ve got a huge growth on my forehead, simply tell it and me hello. Because my special third eye powers are among me and you have no idea what comeback and Indian princess like me might have. HAHAHAHA

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

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One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA

BRAZILIAN WHAT? — December 2, 2014

BRAZILIAN WHAT?

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Awhile back I decided to surprise the man I was dating and get a Brazilian bikini wax. Now for those of you who don’t know what this is I’ll explain. Where a normal bikini wax will leave a strip of pubic hair the Brazilian wax removes ALL the hair from below. The bush in the front, the hair on the lips, and (for those unfortunate ladies) the hair on their ass. Anyone that shaves knows that when the hair starts growing back it’s itchy and very stubbly. Well a Brazilian wax makes you very soft. And from what I had heard, men loved it. So I found a place here in Decatur that would do one.

I was nervous as hell when I went in. The girl who was going to do my wax was this cute little petite thing. She tells me to undress from the waist down. Made me a little uncomfortable, but she was about to see my crotch anyway right? So I’m lying on the table and she puts this wax on my crotch. RIP!!!! Tears that hair right out. My God it hurt like hell. So she’s soon done with my bush (and no it wasn’t really a bush bush, just saying that so you’d know the general area). Then she wanted to start on my lips. She asks me to raise my leg and pull my lips real tight. There I am basically spread out on this table. Leg all jacked up in the air, reaching behind me to my crotch and pulling my fucking puss all tight. I had to do the reach around because she was working in the front. I was so mortified, but what the hell could I do. This cruel bitch is just jabbering away ripping my damn hair out. I’m telling you the worst part it the lips, that’s not an area for wax, I’m just saying. She had me flipping every which way, (in positions I’ve never even had a man put me in) and pulling my skin. I was so glad when she was done with the wax. Then came the tweezers.

She gets her face right up in my crotch looking for stray hairs that might have been missed. I’m telling you by the time this chick was done with me I was as smooth as a baby. And, NO, all you pervs she wasn’t gay or being sexual. I asked her how she felt in this line of work, and she said it’s just a job, you get used to it. I’m sorry I could never get used to it, not doing it or getting it done. That shit hurt. I walk out of there, my crotch a little pink and raw, and a little bloody in a few spots, and waddled to the car. Very weird feeling with no damn hair at all.

About a week later I was at Vinnie’s and who do you think I ran into? That girl that waxed me! She’s just talking away like I was her best friend, asking if my guy liked the wax .  All I could think of was this chick had her face inches from my crotch. Thank God I don’t have a stanky snatch. HAHAHAHA