Now everyone knows I’m a psycho prude when it comes to sex. But guess what? I’m normal just like each and every one of you. Let’s just say if you think I have bad luck in the sack when I’m dating a guy, well my attempts at one night stands were even worse. Back when I was in my twenties I went three years without even a single date. Yes that’s right, you heard me, not even a date. So sex? Well forget about that one. My friends and I hit the bars every weekend but I must have had “BITCH” written across my forehead because I got nothing. And don’t go thinking I was a dog then either, that was after only one kid so my curves looked good. No, my problem is, the more I drink the more paranoid I get, and I’m all about “you better show me respect!” Drunks at the bar are not all about respect they are all about getting laid.

Anyway, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to take a guy home and fuck his brains out. There was this one guy my friends and I always saw at Piere’s. He was funny and cute, always flirted with me and wasn’t a total stranger. So I figured what the Hell. This guy and I jump in my car and are trying to figure out where to go. Well I didn’t want to take him to my place because I barely knew him. For that same reason I didn’t want to go to his. So we decided to go to a hotel. He goes in and pays for the room and although I felt a little cheesy I was excited to finally be getting some sex after three years.

We go up to the room, take each other’s clothes off, and right away he goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, if a guy knows what the Hell he’s doing that can be quite nice. But this guy shouldn’t have even started. So I tell him, “Look can you just stop?” No response, “Please? Hello?!” He would not stop. I try to pull away from him and he had such a vice grip on my legs I actually had bruises the next day. Again I try to get him to stop, “Hello? Look you’re not doing anything for me. Can we just have sex please?” Dude would still not stop. Finally I took to tapping him on the head. I’m not shitting you, there I am patting this guy on the head and telling him for the love of God would he just stop. Still he wouldn’t. Finally I got so bored I reached over for the remote to the TV, had to stretch bit, all the while he’s holding on tightly acting like he’d die if he came up for air. After getting my hands on the remote I turned the TV on. Took me a few minutes of flipping through channels but finally found Harlem nights with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.

Now I don’t know about you ladies but if I was giving some guy a blowjob and I hear a TV go on I think I’d stop. Oh no not this guy. After about two hours of the worse oral sex of my life my crotch was finally numb, my legs bruised and I was bored as Hell. So I decided to just go to sleep. It’s not like he was going to notice, Hell he hadn’t paid attention to my tapping on his head so what’s a little snoring. Yes, that’s right; I just laid my head back and tried to sleep. I dozed off a bit and when he finally stopped I just acted like I was passed out. Next morning we jumped in my car, took this guy home. Talk about a quiet ride. Ran into him at the bar a about a week after and avoided his ass. Finally he corned me and said he’s never had someone he had sex with flat out avoid him. I had to laugh in his face and tell him I may not have had much experience but I certainly didn’t call what we had sex. So much for my one night stand. LOL