Awhile back I decided to go and see a dollar movie. I love watching cheap movies, ones that usually aren’t on video yet, and eating big bag of popcorn. As soon as I walked into the theater and start heading to pay I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold back so it would be just a little one. Well that didn’t work. What happened is I had a huge green gob of snot flying from my nose down my chin. I ran right past the register and grabbed napkins at the concession stand. As I was trying to wipe the snot from my face I nod at the girl at the register and go to the bathroom to clean up. Very gross and very embarrassing. Walking back up to the register to pay was worse than a walk of shame. But hey, at least it wasn’t busy and only the cashier saw my humiliation.

This incident brought back memories of middle school. There was this girl that I had been friends with. My friend and I were walking to lunch one day and she sneezed, big time. She covered her nose with her hand because that’s a normal reaction when you sneeze.  But here’s where we’re different. Her hand was full of snot when she pulled it away. When she covered her nose she blew this thick gob of dark green snot into her hand. She looked at her hand then proceeded to wipe her hand on her pants. I’m not kidding. Snot all over her pants, just wiped her hand off and said let’s go to lunch. Of course I didn’t say anything. For one, I really like food and even snot isn’t going to detour me from eating but also because she was my friend. At that time I was younger and, believe it or not, cared about people’s feelings. Or maybe I was just as weird as her. Fuck if I know. I hope not though.

This is also the girl who liked this one guy and no matter how hard she tried he wouldn’t go out with her. Well one day they were hanging out at her house, drinking, laughing, just having fun and he must have gotten drunk enough to say fuck it, why not? So she and this guy start messing around and he has the audacity to ask her if she would put a towel over her head before he would have sex with her! Of course when she’s telling me this I’m thinking she’s going to follow through with a slap to the face or a kick to the nuts. But no, she had sex with the guy and complied when he asked her to put a towel over her face. NO KIDDING.

I don’t give a shit how horny I am if some mother fucker asked me put a towel over my face I’d punch him in the head. How would you even respond to that? “Ok, sure, should I get a hand, bath, or beach towel?” Seriously though, looking back at my past relationships it makes me wonder if I should have asked for a towel once in a while. Not for me of course, but some of those fuckers I dated were ugly HAHAHA