After I had my first son I had some nice curves and my boobs were still a bit perky. If anything, having him enhanced my body. My second son fucked my shit up. Not only did I gain the normal (for me anyway) 30 pounds of pregnancy weight but I gained about 20 more AFTER I had him. Since my ass is too lazy to diet or exercise I’m always looking for a quick fix pill.

Of course I’m ashamed to say I tried the whole laxative thing. That just gave me sever cramps. There was a prescription that my doctor was willing to give me but he would only give me 30 days at a time. Like I said, I’m lazy and I didn’t want to make an appointment every month. So after looking at the shelf at Walmart I found the diet pill Alli. All medicines have side effects, some more common than others. I didn’t take the time to read all of it. It’s all the same really. Or is it? My ass should have read the box. No seriously, my ass should have.

Day one on the pills I didn’t have any issues and felt pretty good. Great! So I kept taking them. Day two I was sitting on the recliner in front of my computer desk just typing away on the internet. I had just finished eating my McD’s and simply adjusted myself in my chair. All of a sudden it felt like I pissed myself. Not shit myself, pissed myself because I was suddenly all wet. I’m thinking, “What the fuck!” and looked between my legs. The whole seat of my sweats and the chair was wet!

I tried like vain to keep my ass cheeks together as I tiptoed to the bathroom. Every step I took resulted in shit or piss running down my leg, Hell I didn’t know which. When I sat down on the toilet I noticed there wasn’t any crap in my pants, just some weird thick fluid. So I looked between my legs. Yes I know that’s disgusting but I thought I was dying and wanted to see what was going on. There was this orange oil pouring from my ass. Not shit, but oil, fucking orange oil. I’ll never forget seeing this bright orange fluid. Think of Dayquil people. It looked like Dayquil coming outta my ass. What the fuck!?

Once I quit freaking out I had to throw away my underwear and sweatpants. Clean my oily ass and the toilet, because that oil was stuck to the sides. And then clean my recliner (which left a stain by the way). I went to actually read the side effects completely for Alli. It seems that what this med does is prevent your body from processing fat. So when you eat fatty foods this fat will either cause gastrointestinal issues, more frequent stools, or an oily anal leakage. Well no shit.

I wasn’t about to change my diet, I really like bad food. So I quit taking the pills. But now I’m stuck with these love handles and Buddha belly. I mean I don’t look too bad. Of course, that’s with my clothes on. I’m still searching for that magic pill. Maybe I’m just stuck with my fat ass. Then again I did see a Groupon for something called Lipo Lite. Hmmmm, wonder what that is.