Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: shit

Hmmm, Wonder If I Got The Job? — May 28, 2015

Hmmm, Wonder If I Got The Job?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

As I sat in the parking lot of Home Depot wishing to god the recruiter would call soon, I started feeling the rumbling in my belly and knew that I was in trouble. See the night before I had taken a colon cleanser. My thought was I’d take it the night before and in the morning I would go to the bathroom and feel clean and toxin free (or so the bottle said). But the morning came and went and there was nothing…

In my line of work I do a lot of telephone interviews and had one scheduled for 4pm. That was later on in the day so I didn’t think much of it. As I ran around Fort Wayne (about 20 minutes from my home) I kept an eye on the time and thought about what I was going to say during my interview. About 3:30pm I thought I should go ahead and go home so I could relax during my interview. I started heading to the south side of Fort Wayne and then the first cramps started.

“Oh god!” I think to myself. That colon cleanser had finally decided to kick in. As I drove I clenched my butt cheeks and put pressure on my stomach with my left hand. Anything to relieve the cramping as I tried to maneuver through traffic and make it to the South side of Fort Wayne. I realized I wasn’t going to make it all of the way home so I pulled over into Home Depot and was just getting ready to get out of my vehicle when I noticed the time. Fuck! It was 3:45pm. There was no way I was going to make it inside, take a shit, and back out in time for my interview. Sometimes they call a few minutes early so I didn’t want to be on the toilet when she called.

It seemed as if the minutes creeped by on that fucking clock. Since it was a digital clock there weren’t any actual ticking noises but I sure heard them in my mind. Second by second, minute by minute, the cramps got worse until I became actually afraid I would shit myself while sitting in my van. About 7 after I said fuck it, maybe she wasn’t calling and I did a quick butt clenching shuffle into Home Depot. Made it to the aisle right outside the bathroom and I’ll be damned if the phone didn’t ring.

I answered with (what I hoped) was my customary upbeat greeting, “Hi, this is Erica”. The recruiter apologized for being a little late calling and asked if it was still a good time. I assured her it was, that I was just walking around the hospital and certainly had time to talk. As I said this I leaned forward against the shelf and grasped the shelf with my free hand as if that would clench off my asshole.

Now you might be asking yourself why I even answered or at the very least told her I had to reschedule. Well, this is when I was just trying to get into consulting and let me tell you, it can be a very competitive world. There have been times I’ve rescheduled only to be told at my new time that the position had already been filled. Another time I had a recruiter call out of the blue but I didn’t recognize the number so I let them leave a voice mail. Called back 5 minutes later and they had already moved on to the next candidate. So basically when a recruiter calls, I answer.

As I’m stumbling through the interview questions I’m hoping the recruiter can’t hear the desperation in my voice. And I was getting desperate. Even with my ass cheeks clenched, my legs crossed and holding onto the shelf for support I still felt like I had a groundhog peeking out. I was about ready to cry. I clenched my eyes and rested my head against the shelf, cramping, clenching, and praying to god I don’t shit myself in the aisle at Home Depot. I actually had sweat beads starting to collect at my hairline and back of my neck.  I could sense people walking past me and hear announcements over the loud speaker, but it was as if I was in a fog. This interview was lasting forever.

Finally the interview was nearing a close so I decided that as soon as I hit end my ass was going to be on the toilet. I mustered all of my willpower and shuffled my way to the bathroom and into a stall. I’m standing there in the stall thanking her and saying our goodbyes all the while I’m undoing my pants and pulling them down, preparing myself for relief. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t step too close to fucking automatic toilet and you hear “SWHOOOOOSHHHHHH”. I froze.

After my few seconds of shock and my heart pounding in my ears I stumbled out an half laugh apology. “Ha-ha Sorry about that. I must have stood too close to the toilet. I went into the bathroom because I thought it would be quieter.” Ha-ha. The recruiter simply said thank you again and hung up. I didn’t have time to worry about it I sat my ass down and had the shit of my life.

It lasted forever. The smells and sounds cleared out anyone else who was in the bathroom. I heard one little girl say, “It stinks in here!” Try being in the stall little girl, try being in the stall. Although I didn’t exactly shit myself I did have a peeker so I tossed my drawers. I felt happy, relieved, and quite freeing without underwear as I left Home Depot. I nearly skipped to my van. The recruiter had said she would send me a follow up email so I just needed to get home and reply with my resume.

Can you believe that email never came? I mean really, I about shit myself for the sake of this interview. Considering everything I didn’t think it went too bad. Of course I was concentrating more on not shitting myself in the aisle than in the questions. HAHA About a year later I did apply for another one of their jobs and almost got an interview. I say almost because as soon as they asked for my resume I never heard from them again. You know how some people get put on a blacklist? I must be on this recruiting firm’s shitlist HAHA

A Shit Storm — February 1, 2015

A Shit Storm

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

A few years ago I bought the house my children and I currently live in.  It’s a really nice two story home right on a corner lot. Although it has a full basement, it’s really not one I could finish without pouring a new foundation. The house is over a hundred years old and at least one basement wall looks like the original stone. Whenever it rained it wasn’t unusual to see trickles of water seeping in. But it was still a beautiful home, so I bought it.

Shortly after moving in we had a huge rainstorm. The river was flooding, roads were flooded over, and it seemed even the drains outside were getting plugged. Since I already knew the one wall leaked I thought I had better check to see if water was pooling in the basement.

When I opened the basement door I was in shock. It was like a fucking lake in my basement. Not even kidding. The water was at least a foot and a half high and the rain still hadn’t stopped. I didn’t know what the fuck to do. It was the weekend, I’m a single mother and I didn’t want to call a plumber out on a Sunday till I knew exactly what was going on. So I called one of my friends and she said she’d see if her dad could come over.

Her dad showed up with wading boots and went down in the basement to take a look. My older son, who was about 14 at the time, decided he wanted to go with him.  Zach took his shoes and socks off, rolled up his pants to about his knees and followed. My younger son and I sat on the basement steps about half way down so we could see what was going on. After a few minutes her dad said it looked like the drain was backing up.

All of a sudden Conrad shouts, “IT’S POOP! IT’S POOP! LOOK IT’S POOP!” We all look down into the water and sure enough, there was turds floating around. Not just shit either. Toilet paper, tampons, shit, any fucking thing you can imagine that people flush down the toilet.

Now her dad was wearing boots but my son was barefoot so I shout, “ZACH! GET OUT OF THE WATER THAT’S RAW SEWAGE!” My fucking son looks down at the water and shit surrounding his legs, shrugs his shoulders and goes, “Eh”.  If I would have had the ability to walk on water I would have snatched that fucking kid up. As it was he was out of my reach and didn’t seem the least bit disturbed by the fact that my basement was now holding the shit for my fucking block.

My friend’s dad told me I would have to call a plumber and that the rain and flooding had caused the sewage line to back up into my basement.  He also told me not to use any water, no flushing toilet, showers, etc., since everything going down my pipes was just ending up in my basement. I thanked him and he left.

Then I turned to my son and told him to get his ass in the bathroom and I turned on the water almost to scalding and made him scrub his feet till they were raw. The whole time he’s saying, “But he said not to run any water!?” My response, “Fuck that! You were standing in raw sewage. Zach that’s people shit! We don’t even know whose shit! You’ll be lucky if you don’t get some damn disease!!!!!” After scrubbing his feet I also made him clip his toe nails as short as he could get. The kid is lucky I didn’t also make him pour bleach on his feet. But I thought that might be a little too “mommy dearest” of me.

The next day the rain had stopped and the water outside had starting to recede. A plumber came and took care of my basement. Then a friend came and scrubbed the whole basement floor with bleach. I have never had flooding like that since them. But I tell you what; every time there’s a heavy rain I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. If the boys aren’t home I’ll wait until they get there and make one of them go check the basement.  I don’t think I could handle seeing that lake of shit again.

Where’s The Hand Sanitizer? — January 21, 2015

Where’s The Hand Sanitizer?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

I was washing my hands in the bathroom at a local community college one day. Standing at the sink next to me was this other student. She’s was tall, pretty, young, looked like an average college student. She was washing her hands too. Well she proceeds to blow her nose into her left hand!!! Not into a tissue, not a paper towel but into her left hand. Then she rinses her hand off, lifts up her head and looks up her nose. She must have seen something because she blew her nose into her hand again. Then she looks over at me. I just finished washing my hands and got the hell out of there.

 I’m telling you women in public bathrooms are gross. There was another time at college that I went in, sat down (I always line the seat with toilet paper) and look over to my right and there is blood all over the bathroom stall wall. Not a couple drops either, huge smears of blood! Now how in the hell do you get blood on the wall? Was a woman like whipping her ass back and forth or what? Or was she trying to see if her tampon would stick? I mean really, blood? I still don’t understand that.

Just recently at work there was blood on the floor of the bathroom stall I had unfortunately chosen. It wasn’t even in front of the toilet, like the chick pulled her pants down and didn’t realize she had started. It was over to the side a bit, like she stood there looking down wondering what the fuck she was going to do. Of course she could have just been trying to create an inkblot test for those who ventured into the stall after her.

But here’s another one. How in the hell do people get shit on the back of the toilet seat? The back!? My asshole is not that far back. Are they like sitting on the clear back of the toilet seat? For what!? And do they not see the shit when they get up? Do they wipe and run? I’m sorry but I will turn around and make sure the toilet flushes. not that I want to see my own shit but I sure as hell don’t want anyone else seeing it either.

When I worked at a very large annuity company the women there were nasty also. Shit all over the seat. Or on the wall! The fucking WALL!!!! Like they wiped and got shit on their hand so they wiped it on the wall!!!! These were adult women! And they worked for a HUGE company! Things like this would always happen though.

Another thing that irritates me, I could be the only one in the bathroom with ten stalls, all open but mine. But it never fails that a woman has to come in and take the stall next to me and start taking a shit. I personally would go to the farthest away, but no, not the women I run into. Maybe they think they need a friend? There was this one time that this woman would flush every time she grunted. Like I didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Flushing every five seconds was more annoying than listening to her.

Now don’t get me wrong. There have been times that I just couldn’t help myself and had to go in a public bathroom. I was at Walmart one time and it hit me. I go in and there’s no one in there, great! Well I’m sitting there and a worker comes in and starts cleaning so I’m sitting there waiting. Well she’s sweeping the stalls to my left. Then she skips my stall and goes to the stalls on my right. Then (I’m not kidding you) she sticks her broom under my stall door, between my legs and sweeps my stall while I’m sitting there shitting. Had I not been so shocked I would have asked what the hell she was doing and couldn’t she wait two minutes? But I was stunned. So she finished cleaning and left. I wiped my ass and slunk out of the bathroom hoping to god she didn’t remember what my shoes looked like.

All I’m really saying is save the sick shit for your own personal bathroom at home. I really don’t need to be afraid of getting hepatitis in the bathroom or touching a door knob after seeing someone use their hand as a Kleenex. I wasn’t even raised by my mother and I STILL have more common sense than some of these women. Which that thought actually makes me wonder, are

Ink Blot Test!
Ink Blot Test!

men’s restrooms just as bad?

 

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs? — January 4, 2015

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

We stopped at on our way to Hell (also known as Miami Florida) at some random grocery store so that I could use the bathroom. Their bathroom was one of those unisex ones where there wasn’t an individual stall but just a large open area, a toilet and a sink. Not the cleanest place you can imagine, but I really had to go so I locked the door and sat down.

As I sat there doing my business I just start looking around the room and notice these small, white pill looking things all over the floor. Me being the idiot I am, kind of bend over a little bit and squint my eyes so I can see what they were. And then it hit me… Rolled up toilet paper with shit on them! Jesus people, does no body know how to wipe their damn ass!

We’re not talking just a couple pieces because now I’m really looking and they are all over the damn floor, right up to the door. So then I’m fucking wondering if this person, whoever it was, might be walking around the store right now dropping little bits of shit paper everywhere. After I was done I had to maneuver around what I now saw as a mine field and try to get the Hell out of there without getting poop pills stuck to my shoes.

After that happened I now find myself looking on the floor in every public restroom, out of curiosity, sickness, boredom, whatever you want to call it, I’ll sit there and look at the floor. I’ll be damned if I don’t see it everywhere now. Just today I was sitting on the toilet at work and glanced at the floor. Yup, right there it was. Someone was wiping their ass like their butt was wood and the toilet paper was sandpaper and they were trying to smooth it clean.

Fold and wipe people, fold and wipe. You may end up using a whole damn roll of toilet paper but at least you won’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs falling out the leg of your pants as you walk to your desk. I don’t know who has the bigger issue. Them for making such a mess in their underwear that they probably have to shake it out at the end of the day or me for looking for these bits of shit paper. Go ahead and judge people, sometimes I forget my phone and just need something to do while I sit there. HAHAHAHA

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA

Finding Nemo — November 30, 2014

Finding Nemo

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment
A few years ago I was on the phone to a friend.  My older son was in the bathroom and my younger son was watching TV. Well when my older son was on the toilet he takes forever and I do mean FOREVER. My friends can vouch for this. We only had one bathroom at the time so my younger son comes to me and says, “Mommy I have poop in my pants.”  “Great!” I yell to my oldest, “You made your brother poop his pants again because you’re taking an hour on the toilet!” Well the little one and I were standing outside the bathroom door and I take off his pants and underwear. It was pretty nasty, kinda runny (sorry to be so crude and graphic) and I tell him to stand by the bathroom and I’ll come back and clean him up. I’m walking away and all of a sudden he says, “ooo, yuck!” I turn around and he’s pointing to the floor (I had carpet) and there was shit all over the floor. So I was still on the phone and I’m yelling that there’s shit on the floor.  Of course my friend was cruelly laughing her head off.

Evidently it had come out of his pants and I walked in it and got it all down the hallway. So I take off my slippers (thank God I was wearing slippers) and get stuff to clean the carpet. My oldest finally comes out of the bathroom and I tell him to clean his brother’s butt. My youngest is yelling “NO mommy clean my butt!” and I’m yelling back “JUST LET YOUR BROTHER DO IT”. 

So I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing this carpet and I notice that I evidently flung shit on the closet door. No idea how I managed that. Must have been some pretty intense cleaning. I clean that off and then I notice there’s shit beside me on the floor (how the hell can this kid crap this much!)  I was hoping to God I wasn’t kneeling in shit. I scrubed the carpet, the door and wipe my slippers off and threw them in the laundry.

I was going to throw the underwear away but most of the crap had fallen out and they were almost new so I decided to rinse them in the toilet like you do cloth diapers. I walked up to the toilet and once again notice that my older son should have flushed twice but didn’t. I flushed the toilet AFTER DROPPING THE UNDERWEAR IN. No idea why I did that. I about shit myself. Of course the toilet starts rising and my kid starts crying “MY UNDERWEAR, MY UNDERWEAR I WANT MY UNDERWEAR!”. I grab the plunger and start plunging away. Couldn’t get them up. I didn’t want to stick my hand down there so I figured fuck it and started flushing. I just kept flushing and flushing. He’s crying for his damn underwear the whole time. Finally I yell “THEY’RE GONE GET IN TUB AND SHUT UP!!!!!” He jumps in the tub and I continue flushing. 

At first the toilet worked but it was slow.  I had a feeling all it was going take was one big crap and the whole thing would be blocked. Somewhere in those pipes were a pair of size 5 Finding Nemo underwear just waiting to clog my toilet completely and make my life hell. Why couldn’t Nemo just find his way back to the ocean. I figured if I did have to call maintenance for the apartments I was going to blame it on my son and say he flushed them.