Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Tag: sex

If You Give A Girl A… — February 3, 2015

If You Give A Girl A…

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Eddie Murphy, in the stand-up show Raw, had it right when he said, “If you give starving man a cracker it’s the best fucking cracker he’s ever had” and it was the same with sex. That statement is so true. I’m telling you after a few years of no sex this bitch gets starving. A while ago my friends introduce me to this guy who is just the exact opposite of any other guy I’ve ever dated. Dude was short, balding, a little hunchbacked, the kind of guy you probably wouldn’t look twice at. But I hadn’t dated in a while so I figure why not go out.

We got along on our double date and had a lot of fun. I had met him a few times before in a group setting so I thought fuck it, and invited him back to my place. I’m telling you I will never look at a short dude the same way again. It was awesome sex. But a relationship in heaven it was not meant to be. After only a month or two it ended. My stupid ass mooned over this guy for far longer than he was worth. But we do that kind of shit don’t we? Or it could just be me.

A couple of months after we broke up I’m out at the bar, drunk, horny and got the bright idea I was going to have someone take me to this guy’s house out in the country. I can remember my friend saying “Are you sure you want me to take you out there?” I say, “Oh ya, it’ll be fine. He leaves his door unlocked so I know I can get in.”

Now I hadn’t even talked to this guy in two months but somehow in my drunken state I just knew he would be ecstatic that I would show up and want sex. So I had my friend drop me off and I go walking into this guy’s house. It wasn’t until I reached his bedroom I thought “OH FUCK! What if he has someone in bed with him?” Did that stop me? Hell no, my ass was drunk and horny.

Walked into his bedroom and luckily he didn’t have anyone already in bed with him. But soon he would, heehee. I crawl in bed with this guy. He’s lying on his side, away from me. Right after I lay down, he reached back, touched me, like he was seeing who the hell was in bed with him and then puts his hand back in front of him. I was confused at first. I expected him to grab me and ravish me. Then it hit me, “Damn I think he’s pissed!” I just broke into this dude’s house. Maybe not “broke” in, but I’m quite sure some criminal action was there. I thought I was going to get some great make up sex and my drunken ass might end up going to jail!

I mumble maybe I had better sleep on the couch and get out of bed. I stumble to the living room and collapse on his floor. Yup, lost the ability to walk so I was laying spread eagle on this man’s living room floor.  I could see the couch; I just couldn’t force my body to get there. Then I hear him get out of bed. “Oh yea,” I’m thinking, “Here he’s coming to get me, I know he wants me.” He walks into the living room, stands still for a moment, and then proceeds to throw a blanket over me. He then goes back to bed.  “My God “, I’m thinking, “Dude just came in and threw a blanket on me. Fuck!” I lay there for a few minutes and think about what I should do. “Fuck it. I’ve already made an ass of myself and I’m horny. I’m gonna go get me some.”

Now remember I had lost the ability to walk and I had that damn blanket covering my head.  I was too fucking drunk to even think about pulling it off me. Honestly, the thought didn’t even occur to me. So off I go crawling to this man’s bedroom. I’m crawling across the floor with a blanket completely over my head, finding my way more by sense of direction than vision. BAM! I run right into his dresser. Oh ya, he knows I’m coming.

I turn toward his bed and I get to a standing position by grasping onto the bedding and slowly pulling myself up. I figure I know what to do. What guy can resist a half naked woman? So I take off my pants, I take off my bra, and I crawl in bed behind this guy. The man doesn’t touch me. I’m too drunk to feel rejected so my ass decides to pass out. About two hours later this guy shakes me awake and says he’s going to take me home because he has things to do the next day. As he’s driving I couldn’t even lift my head to look at him. Longest, most silent ride ever. I still remember the song playing on the radio, Apple Bottom Jeans.

As we pulled up to my place I mumbled thanks and jumped out of his truck. He was pulling away before I even get a chance to shut the door. I’m surprised he even stopped. Hell he could have just slowed down and told me to jump. I was drunk enough I would have probably done it. That was one of the most humiliating nights of my life. I didn’t get my drunken ass laid, but at least I didn’t get arrested. And I bet you he’s locking his doors now! HAHAHAHAHAHA

I’m horny, do you have a towel? — January 9, 2015

I’m horny, do you have a towel?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Awhile back I decided to go and see a dollar movie. I love watching cheap movies, ones that usually aren’t on video yet, and eating big bag of popcorn. As soon as I walked into the theater and start heading to pay I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold back so it would be just a little one. Well that didn’t work. What happened is I had a huge green gob of snot flying from my nose down my chin. I ran right past the register and grabbed napkins at the concession stand. As I was trying to wipe the snot from my face I nod at the girl at the register and go to the bathroom to clean up. Very gross and very embarrassing. Walking back up to the register to pay was worse than a walk of shame. But hey, at least it wasn’t busy and only the cashier saw my humiliation.

This incident brought back memories of middle school. There was this girl that I had been friends with. My friend and I were walking to lunch one day and she sneezed, big time. She covered her nose with her hand because that’s a normal reaction when you sneeze.  But here’s where we’re different. Her hand was full of snot when she pulled it away. When she covered her nose she blew this thick gob of dark green snot into her hand. She looked at her hand then proceeded to wipe her hand on her pants. I’m not kidding. Snot all over her pants, just wiped her hand off and said let’s go to lunch. Of course I didn’t say anything. For one, I really like food and even snot isn’t going to detour me from eating but also because she was my friend. At that time I was younger and, believe it or not, cared about people’s feelings. Or maybe I was just as weird as her. Fuck if I know. I hope not though.

This is also the girl who liked this one guy and no matter how hard she tried he wouldn’t go out with her. Well one day they were hanging out at her house, drinking, laughing, just having fun and he must have gotten drunk enough to say fuck it, why not? So she and this guy start messing around and he has the audacity to ask her if she would put a towel over her head before he would have sex with her! Of course when she’s telling me this I’m thinking she’s going to follow through with a slap to the face or a kick to the nuts. But no, she had sex with the guy and complied when he asked her to put a towel over her face. NO KIDDING.

I don’t give a shit how horny I am if some mother fucker asked me put a towel over my face I’d punch him in the head. How would you even respond to that? “Ok, sure, should I get a hand, bath, or beach towel?” Seriously though, looking back at my past relationships it makes me wonder if I should have asked for a towel once in a while. Not for me of course, but some of those fuckers I dated were ugly HAHAHA

I Can’t Even Give It Away — January 5, 2015

I Can’t Even Give It Away

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When I moved back to Decatur I didn’t date anyone for quite awhile. I had gone on a couple of dates, but never more than two and no sex for something like a year and a half. So once again I found myself in celibate hell and I wasn’t about to let it get to another three years again. Well I had this male friend who was always telling us how big his dick was and how good he was in bed, could go all night long and shit like that. All the time we’d laugh and laugh about it. Finally one night I thought, fuck it. I’m going to see just how good he is. Other people have fuck buddies, why not me? So I send him a text and ask him if he wanted to rent some movies. He said sure.

I go over to his place and we are sitting on the couch watching this movie. And all I could think about was “Okay now when are we going to have sex. He has to know what I came over for!” Dude never made a move! So about half way through the movie I decided to stretch my legs out over his, undo my pants, like I was just relaxing you know, but “oh look an invitation”. Still nothing. Now I was getting really frustrated. We watched an entire movie as I’m lay there sprawled out, pants undone, wondering how the heck I was going to get him to jump me. After the movie was done he asks if I want to watch another movie. I say “Sure, why don’t we watch it in the bedroom.”

So we go in this guy’s bedroom. This time I decide to make it perfectly clear what I’m there for. I take off my pants, take off my bra and lay on top of the covers in just panties and a t-shirt. He never touched me. I’m putting one arm above my head, and then the other, stretching, looked over at him a few times. NOTHING. I know I know I could have jumped him and just been aggressive, but dammit I’m a lady and I want to feel like a man wants me! You have to remember I’d hardly even been asked out in almost 2 years so I was already wondering what was wrong with me and I hoping to be seduced. About half way through the second (very bad) movie I’m feeling like I must be the ugliest, fattest freak known to man so I get up and get dressed. As I’m walking out the door he asked where I was going. I yell “HOME!” and walked out.

He sent me a text telling me I was confusing. I responded, “Here’s some advice. The next time you have a half naked woman in your bed, YOU FUCK HER!” This happened years ago but once again I find myself in the same situation two years without a date, not even someone holding my hand. But now I’m older and wiser so there will be no more trying to be seduced by men. Think I’ll just get another cat…

I WISH I WAS A BONOBO — December 31, 2014

I WISH I WAS A BONOBO

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Back in college I was taking a Bio anthropology class and it was CRAZY. My professor was pretty wild to start with. Well one day during class he was talking about these bonobo monkeys. They’re like a small version of a chimp. These monkeys are THE most sexual primates on the planet!!!! I’m not shittin ya. They have sex ALL THE TIME. And not just sex but oral sex, gay sex, sex in different positions. They are the only monkeys that have sex in the missionary position. These damn things are so horny that’s all they do. If two groups of monkeys come upon each other they’ll start hollering at each other, then they’ll just have a group orgy.

Now I bet you’re asking, yea right how do I know? The professor could just be saying it to mess with us. Well my dear friends, my professor saw fit to provide us with pictures. So yes I have visuals in my mind of monkey’s fucking and having oral sex. Hell there was one that was in color, a female monkey laying on her back and masturbating. Now that’s some shit to remember forever. And I’m telling you I WILL remember it forever; guess I did learn something in college. Felt like I was looking at a monkey porno mag.

And here’s another tidbit of info that isn’t particular to bonobo’s but to primates period. In some groups of monkeys there is the dominant male who gets to mate with the females. Well on the outskirts will be the nondominant males that the larger male will keep away. Sometimes there are horny little female monkeys who aren’t getting enough action (huh they are like us) from the dominant male so her slutty ass will sneak off to the outskirts and bend over for these nondominant males. And get this, the actual scientific term in the journals “sneaky fuckers”. Yes these females and males on the outskirts are sneaky fuckers. And alas, we had visuals for that too. We had still life showing the female sneaking off, her and the male looking around and then of them fucking.

I’ve earned two college degrees, excelled in classes such as microeconomics, macroeconomics, statistical theory and calculus. Yet the main thing I remember is the about the sneaky fuckers. Well that, and my Geology professor was a transsexual. Ah the things I learned in college. Wonder if this’ll help me land a job?

SMACK IT, SMACK IT GOOD! — December 24, 2014

SMACK IT, SMACK IT GOOD!

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Considering I’m 41 and lost my virginity when I was 15 it’s safe to say I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit over the years. But there is one sexual experience in particular that not only makes me burst out laughing, but I also get confused at the same time. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about right? Where something is so outrageous that you can’t help but laugh.

I had been dating this guy for a little while so I didn’t think he could shock me. But one night in bed we were having a little, hmm, shall we say, “problem”. As men age there is a variety of reasons why they might not be able to get hard. Could be testosterone, blood pressure, cholesterol, shit just because he’s tired could cause it. Unfortunately it wasn’t the first time I’ve ran into it with this man or, well, other men. But whatever, you just have to play with it a little. That usually helps.

We were making out and trying a little rub rub, lick lick, but nothing was working. Now usually I could at least get him semi hard but on this particular night there was nothing. So I assured him it was ok, no problem, and shit like that happens. All of a sudden he sat up on his knees and started smacking his dick!

I am not even fucking joking. There’s this dude, kneeling over me smacking his cock over and over with an open hand. Cock and balls just jiggling away as he’s going to town on himself. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! I’m in shock of course and shout, “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?!?!” And he replies, “I’m trying to get it hard.” Now I’ve seen a lot of crazy ways of getting a dick hard but I’ve never seen a guy literally smack the shit outa his dick.

So he’s kneeling there smacking away, with tears in his eyes. I can only assume he was starting to cry because that had to hurt. But he started saying, “look it’s working!” and got really excited about it. Now I personally didn’t see a difference, except maybe his cock was getting red. But I was trying to figure out and exit strategy so maybe I just didn’t notice. I was so mortified at the whole situation I lost whatever desire for sex I had. But he was starting to get really into it. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Then the fucker grabbed my hand and started trying to smack his dick with MY fucking hand!

Oh, I wasn’t having any of that shit. Some people may get into that crazy sadism and masochism stuff, but not me. I snatched my hand back as if his dick burned me and told him he was a crazy fucker. Of course whatever halfhearted erection he had at that point went away so sex was definitely a no go. As if it was still an option. Once you watch a man smack his dick like he was trying to kill it you start to wonder what else he might do. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last much longer. And for that I’m glad. I mean what else was in my future, nipple clamps? Cock rings? Butt plugs? Fuck that shit.

Near Sex-What’s On TV — December 11, 2014

Near Sex-What’s On TV

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Now everyone knows I’m a psycho prude when it comes to sex. But guess what? I’m normal just like each and every one of you. Let’s just say if you think I have bad luck in the sack when I’m dating a guy, well my attempts at one night stands were even worse. Back when I was in my twenties I went three years without even a single date. Yes that’s right, you heard me, not even a date. So sex? Well forget about that one. My friends and I hit the bars every weekend but I must have had “BITCH” written across my forehead because I got nothing. And don’t go thinking I was a dog then either, that was after only one kid so my curves looked good. No, my problem is, the more I drink the more paranoid I get, and I’m all about “you better show me respect!” Drunks at the bar are not all about respect they are all about getting laid.

Anyway, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to take a guy home and fuck his brains out. There was this one guy my friends and I always saw at Piere’s. He was funny and cute, always flirted with me and wasn’t a total stranger. So I figured what the Hell. This guy and I jump in my car and are trying to figure out where to go. Well I didn’t want to take him to my place because I barely knew him. For that same reason I didn’t want to go to his. So we decided to go to a hotel. He goes in and pays for the room and although I felt a little cheesy I was excited to finally be getting some sex after three years.

We go up to the room, take each other’s clothes off, and right away he goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, if a guy knows what the Hell he’s doing that can be quite nice. But this guy shouldn’t have even started. So I tell him, “Look can you just stop?” No response, “Please? Hello?!” He would not stop. I try to pull away from him and he had such a vice grip on my legs I actually had bruises the next day. Again I try to get him to stop, “Hello? Look you’re not doing anything for me. Can we just have sex please?” Dude would still not stop. Finally I took to tapping him on the head. I’m not shitting you, there I am patting this guy on the head and telling him for the love of God would he just stop. Still he wouldn’t. Finally I got so bored I reached over for the remote to the TV, had to stretch bit, all the while he’s holding on tightly acting like he’d die if he came up for air. After getting my hands on the remote I turned the TV on. Took me a few minutes of flipping through channels but finally found Harlem nights with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.

Now I don’t know about you ladies but if I was giving some guy a blowjob and I hear a TV go on I think I’d stop. Oh no not this guy. After about two hours of the worse oral sex of my life my crotch was finally numb, my legs bruised and I was bored as Hell. So I decided to just go to sleep. It’s not like he was going to notice, Hell he hadn’t paid attention to my tapping on his head so what’s a little snoring. Yes, that’s right; I just laid my head back and tried to sleep. I dozed off a bit and when he finally stopped I just acted like I was passed out. Next morning we jumped in my car, took this guy home. Talk about a quiet ride. Ran into him at the bar a about a week after and avoided his ass. Finally he corned me and said he’s never had someone he had sex with flat out avoid him. I had to laugh in his face and tell him I may not have had much experience but I certainly didn’t call what we had sex. So much for my one night stand. LOL

Got A Popsicle Stick? — December 8, 2014

Got A Popsicle Stick?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Gotta tell you about this one guy I dated. He was one of the worst lays I have ever had. I’m not joking! Not that every man I date has nothing to offer but a limp dick and an empty wallet, but I think I get more than my fair share. Let me just give you a little taste of what my life was like.

The very first night we were together, we had been out to the bar. Go back to my place to get a little somethin somethin. I take my clothes off, crawl into bed, and the guy can’t get hard for nothing. He tells me “stick it in it’ll get hard.” Now I ask you, how in the hell and I suppose to stick a limp dick in my twat? Seriously now. What tie a fucking popsicle stick to it? I tried everything to get him up. Of course me being a woman thinks right away it’s cuz I’m fat, and have stretch marks, that I just didn’t turn him on. So I’m bawling away. He assures me it wasn’t me, that he just had “whisky dick”. Whisky dick my ass!

The next time we tried fucking, once again he couldn’t get it up. Oh come on now, I know that shit ain’t me. So I put off the sex for a few weeks. But damn I love sex! So I thought maybe if we did something a little kinky that might get him going. So one night at Vinnie’s I drag him in the bathroom and try to get him to do it standing up in a stall. I say “try” because dude couldn’t get it up! Oh now I’m getting shitty. I told him he had better talk to a doctor because my ass wasn’t going to put up with no sex. It’s one thing if we’d been married for years and my spouse suddenly had a medical condition. But damn, we had just started dating, I didn’t even know if I liked him that much!

So we tried every variety of the little blue pill. But it was just such a pain in the ass. You had to take a pill and wait for it to work. I like being spontaneous. I can’t say it was all bad, there were like, um 1, 2, maybe 3 times in a year and a half that the sex was really good. But most of the time it was like having some big ass virgin on top of me flopping around trying to poke me with a limp dick. Not my idea of fun. Finally I said fuck it and didn’t even want to bother anymore. Why even get horny when the most I could hope for was a finger.

After awhile of this (remember we dated a year and a half) I just became the bitch from Hell. You see while I gave up on sex, he didn’t. You can only put a man off so much. So I’d lay there while he fumbled around, trying like Hell to get me wet. By this time though nothing about him excited me. I remember more than once him spitting on my fucking crotch. I’m not talking he went down on me and got me wet. Or spit on his hand and lubricated his dick. This man would literally be laying on top of me, suddenly sit up and spit a fucking loogie on my crotch (insert noise from your imagination here). Then he’d hurry and try to get it in. If he was successful it sure didn’t last long because he was certain to go limp in a few seconds. I’m sure the disgusted look on my face on the my frozen body was sure to make any man limp.

Finally I would do anything I could to discourage sex.  He’d be on top (always on top, I wasn’t going to waste any of my energy) I would say things like, “After 33 years I would have thought you’d know how to touch a woman, I guess I was wrong” or “can you hurry up and get this over with”. Of course he was a glutton for punishment, or in love, maybe low self esteem. Who the fuck knows. But when you’re trying to get a chick in bed and she says “gee uh gonna have to say no thank you, I know what I’d be getting” or “sorry but sex with you just kills my sex drive”, then you deserve whatever the fuck you get.

Finally it got to the point where the mere though of sex with him made me want to puke. I’d say I was sick, tired, busy, anything to put him off. Then run into the bedroom as soon as he left and rub one off with my lovely toys. Now I’m sure you are asking why did I continue to date him for a year and a half? Well, he wasn’t bad looking, had a job, his own apartment, a car, never married, no kids, teeth, and I hate to be cynical, but I live in a real small town and it’s hard to find a man with all of that.

So when I get the question on how can I go a year, two years, 3 years without even the hint of sex, this kind of answers it. I sure do WISH I could say this is the only man I ever dated like this, but unfortunately he isn’t…

Um, you got a little something… — December 6, 2014

Um, you got a little something…

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Okay now I ask you, what do you do when someone is talking to you and they have a booger hanging out of their nose? Now me personally, if it’s someone like a clerk or someone I don’t know well, I just stand there in fear. Like a deer in headlights. “do I say something do I not say something”. Then I start thinking about what if I don’t say something and they walk around all day like that! Or how bout this, a co-worker! Nothing worse than sitting there and having someone stand over you with a big ol’ booger hanging from their nose. Again I’m just sitting there petrified, “do I say something? what if I embarrass them. certainly someone else will tell them”. Now if it’s a friend, I’l tell them to wipe their damn nose. Hell my kids, I’ll wipe it myself. But this brings back memories of my high school boyfriend.

I was young, stupid, and believe it or not didn’t open my mouth as much. Okay that’s a lie. But there was one night we were having sex and he was pumping away on top. I look up and hanging from his nose is this huge, slimy booger. Not like a little crusty at the corner, or something peeking from way up in there. But this big green mucus plug about to drop from his nose onto my face. I couldn’t say a word! I didn’t want to embarress him and we WERE having sex! Now remember I was about 16 at the time, so I wasn’t quite as wordy as now.

He was taller than me so I couldn’t always look him in the face, which at that moment was a blessing. He was pumping away having a great old time. Meanwhile I’m looking to the side horrified and hoping to God it was over soon. But when he looked back down at me, the booger was GONE!!!!! I have no idea if he sucked it back up, realized it was hanging out and wiped it, or god forbid it fell in my hair! I’m sick just thinking about it. So I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut when someone is talking to me with a big ass booger in their nose. If you are one of these people and I tell you to wipe your nose, please don’t take it as an insult. I just can’t handle the stress of wondering if that shits gonna fall on me.