I don’t know if any of you keep up with the celebrities like my sorry butt does but years ago there was this rapper called Lil Wayne that was going to prison for gun charges. Well when he was sentenced the judge ordered him to take out his grill before the deputy took him away. For those of you who don’t know what a grill is, that’s all that gold and diamonds those stupid ass rap guys wear in their mouth. It’s like a gold mouthpiece. Anyway when the dude takes it out his real teeth are falling out rotten. I’m not shitting you! Evidently the guy doesn’t realize you can take the damn thing out and fricken brush. So the judge ordered him to get his mouth fixed before he goes away. I can only assume this is because you can actually die from an infection that starts in your mouth. Well Lil Wayne ended up getting eight root canals at one sitting! EIGHT and they aren’t even done with the work yet. That’s how rotten his mouth was. Can you imagine how rotten his mouth smelled? Ya well I don’t have to guess.

Now I’ll admit, back when I was really little like 8, I didn’t feel like brushing my damn teeth. But as I got older it became the first thing I did as I woke up. Hell I’ll brush 4-5 times a day just depends if I think my mouth taste like shit or not. Now I’m not as extreme as my sister though. There was one night she woke up to see her neighbor’s house on fire. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, then ran and woke them up so they could escape the fire. (Yes I know crazy runs in my family). I’ve also dated a guy or two or three who just couldn’t get it through their damn heads to fricken brush. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to tell a grown man to brush his damn teeth before you’re willing to have sex because lord knows you don’t want that mouth close to your nose?

Anyway years ago I got talked into a damn relationship with a dude who must not have known what a toothbrush was. He used to come into my work and one of the girls I worked with would always try to get me to ask him out. All I could say was “Have you looked at his fucking mouth? Come on now that’s some nasty shit.” We’re talking not one, not two but a mouth full of rotten teeth. Green, black, and I’m not joking here, slimy looking. It was like his front teeth had big holes in the middle where the tooth enamel was missing. So then this chick makes me feel bad, “He could be a really nice guy and maybe he has something wrong that causes that.” Okay she wore me down, and lets face it it’s not like I have men beating down my door. So I asked the guy out. Yes you read that correctly. I asked him out.

As long as he kept his mouth shut we got along fine. So with me being so understanding and caring I kept dating him. Okay fine, it’s more like lonely and desperate. I dated this guy for a year; Hell lived with him for most of it. I could not stand the thought of kissing this man though. Oh God, once he tried to French kiss me and I literally thought I was going to puke. And the stench when he would put his face close to mine was unbearable.

Needless to say I found out his mouth wasn’t rotten because of some health issue, nope, he just didn’t brush. Yup, that’s what he told me. That is once I finally got up the courage to ask him why in the Hell his mouth was so fucked up. Why it wasn’t sure health issue out injury. He plain and simple didn’t give a fuck. And yet, my sorry ass stayed.

Well one day he came home and said he had gone to the dentist and he was going to get his teeth fixed. Can you believe how exciting that was? It took weeks for the dentist to finish the root canals, the caps, the fillings, and the teeth pulling. I’m serious, took weeks. But finally at the end of it all the guy had a really great set of teeth and a nice smile. Then within a week of the finished product the asshole left me for some chick he worked with. Explains why he got his teeth fixed after I dated him for a year. To this day I can’t passionately kiss a man without giving a quick glance at his teeth, and if I have my suspicions, my ass will ask if he brushed. Might be another reason I rarely get a second date. Wish I could say this was my first and only time experiencing something like this. Yup, I wish…