Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: puke

Spare Some Change? — December 26, 2014

Spare Some Change?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Back in my younger years I used to party pretty darn hard (I know I know go figure HAHA). One weekend my dad was away and a friend and I broke out his hard liquor. We were in high school so of course we thought we could drink and drink and still party all night. After I alone drank a fifth of Crown Royal and a fifth of Amaretto my friend and I decided we were going to go to a party that was in Geneva. Well we didn’t have any gas money. But I knew my dad had this big change jar in his room so I drug it into the living room to count some out.

I’m sitting on the hardwood floor in the living room, counting away. All of sudden BLUGH BLUGH BLUGH I puked right in the change. And to make it even worse I then collapsed face first into the change and puke. So there I am laying face down in my own vomit, pennies going up my nose, puke in my eyes. My friend starts laughing her ass off! Do you think the bitch would help me? Oh Hell no. She went into town and brought back her boyfriend and some other mutual “friends”. I remember lying there, not able to move, listening to these assholes laughing away at me. Then they left! Right after that I passed out right where I lay.

The next morning I wake up and had to peel myself off the floor. Dried puke and change was stuck to my face and in my hair. After catching my balance I stumble to the bathroom. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. My God I was a mess. I think I even had puke in my ears. Thankfully this was back in the day before everyone had a cell phone and pictures were everywhere on facebook. After cleaning myself up I turned my attention to the change. All fucking day I washed that damn change. Had to soak it and wash just about each coin separate just to make sure there wasn’t puke on it. I guess I could have tossed it but I wasn’t about to throw away thirty bucks! This was back when we could get gas for 75 cents a gallon.

I was clean, the change was cleaned. Then I turned my attention to the mess on the floor, thankfully it was hardwood so it wasn’t too bad. Besides most of the vomit was on me and the change. God what a night. Wonder if my dad ever figured out what happened to his alcohol HAHAHAHAHA

A Side of Puke With Those Pants Please — December 20, 2014

A Side of Puke With Those Pants Please

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

I don’t know about any of you but when I have an important interview nothing makes me feel more confident than a new outfit. Since I’m cheap as Hell I tend to shop clearance and discount stores. A few years ago I had an interview coming up and I decided to go to Fort Wayne and check out the used clothing stores. Usually I don’t try clothes on in the store but I wanted to get a couple of pantsuits and I needed to make sure they fit right.

After trying on a few things I couldn’t find a pantsuit I really liked.  I noticed a rack outside of the dressing room with stuff that people had tried on and decided to look at it.  On it I saw a black pantsuit with pants, skirt and jacket in just my size. Cool I thought, but I should try it on. So I try the skirt and jacket on and thought well “I’m not sure maybe I should try the pants too”. So I put my left leg in the pants, and start to put my right leg in. I don’t know what possessed me to look down. But right in the crotch area of the pants was this white stuff. I’m thinking, “What the Hell is that?” I have pretty bad eyesight so I take the pants off and bring the pants up closer to take a better look. Then it hit me “FUCKING DISCHARGE” gagging. Nasty, white, crusty pussy discharge from some sick bitch was almost touching me.

I dropped the pants, didn’t even hang them up. I left those nasty fuckers on the dressing room floor. Then I threw on my own pants and ran out of there. I kept thinking about what nasty fucking bitch might have worn them. Either the sick bitch that donated them wore them with no panties and dropped them off or some sick twisted freak tried them on with no panties. Both are just as bad in my mind.

Either way I was totally grossed out the entire day and it made me want to puke. It also made me wonder about the other clothes I tried on, that just started me retching again.  God, why didn’t I check those pants also! To be honest I haven’t bought anything from that particular used store since then. I’m still cheap (and poor) so I do buy used, but now no matter where I shop I check the clothes over before I put them on.

I Think I Drank Too Much — December 19, 2014

I Think I Drank Too Much

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

There was one weekend that I had a date set up for a Saturday night. Well the Friday before I decide to go out with some friends. We started slamming drinks right away. I drank 3 liquid cocaine shots, 3 B52 chaser shots, then sipped a mixed drink. All of this in an hour. We had drinks lined up on the bar. Before I knew it the girl I was there with was puking in the bathroom. As I’m thinking that’s funny as Hell I notice some asshole I used to date. I’m not going to get into why he’s an asshole right now but I do want to say I went up to him to speak my mind. In my drunken state I proceed to tell him, “You should thank God I even gave you the time of day!” At which point I fell straight back onto the bar floor. Not crumpled or tripped, but fell like a damn tree. This guy just looks at me and walks away. Not my finest moment.

Luckily someone takes pity on my sorry ass and takes me to the bathroom. If you’ve never noticed the toilet bowel at a bar be glad, very glad. My face was inches away from urine splashes and pubic hair. Hell in this town I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t crabs also. Well it takes two women to keep me from drowning in the toilet. One holding my head up and one holding my body. By this time I had lost the ability to move. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn’t talk, move, blink, I’m lucky I could breath. The guy I was supposed to go out with the next night happened to be there. So one of the girls who were holding my head out of the toilet goes and gets him.

Now remember this guy and I had yet to even had our first date. I still cannot move a muscle although I could hear clearly. So anyway this guy grabs me under my arms while another guy grabs my legs. My shirt is riding up, everyone can see my bra, and my shoe fell off. And they carry me out the back door of the bar. It’s winter time, snow on the ground, cold as Hell. The guy carrying my legs said “Are you sure she’s alive? I don’t want to get in trouble for disposing of a body.” So my future date guy decides to lay me down in the snow, no coat, shirt up to my neck, only one shoe and starts to throw snow on me. I still couldn’t move. In my mind I’m thinking it’s cold as fuck but I was so drunk I couldn’t open my yes. Once they determined I was alive they picked me back up and threw me in this guy’s car and he takes me home.

I wish I could say he swept me in his big 6’2″ strong arms and carried me inside. Instead he drug me across the ground and snow all the way into the apartment building and directly into my bathroom (the next day he told me I was too heavy). The girlfriend who was with me covered me up and proceeded to take the obligatory drunk pics. My date guy left and I hugged the damn toilet all night. Puked my guts up, shit my pants, and ended up laying half in the bathroom and in the hallway. My older son had a friend who spent the night and when his mom came to get him the next night I was a pretty sight.

From my front door you could see right down the hallway and there I lay half in and half out of the bathroom. Her son had to actually step over my body to leave. I felt like I was dying. But you know, I still made it out on my date that night. Of course I found out later that after this guy had dropped me off (literally) he then went and spent the night with some other woman. I actually dated him for a year. Don’t judge, there’s not a lot of choices in this town, he had a job and teeth and my ass is heavy HAHAHAHAHA