naked – Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

I’m A 10 Just Like Bo Derek!

January 11, 2015January 11, 2015/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Back during senior year of high school we had a senior picnic at Pine Lake. I didn’t have a swimsuit so my friend Steve and I went shopping for one. Took us awhile to find one that I thought would work. We found this really cute white one piece. It had a halter top with a design where it plunged down so it would accentuate what little chest I had.

We were at the picnic swimming and having fun. I had been in the water and decided to get out. I’m stepping up out of the water, flipping my hair, rocking my bod, strutting like Bo Derek in 10. Thinking I look hot as Hell as I sashayed and waved at people. I was going to make those senior guys eat their hearts out for not paying me any attention all through school. All of a sudden Steve, who was up on the beach sitting on our towels, starts laughing hysterically. It seems you could see right through my wet swimsuit. And I do mean right through it. My hair was dark as Hell and back in the day I was sporting quite a bush. Hey it was the early 90’s before a thing called Brazilian waxing.

There I am knee deep in water, in front of the entire senior class showing my bush, oh and let’s not forget my big ass brown nipples because those suckers were showing right through too. I’ve had more than one man tell me my areolas are the size of pepperonis. So when I say bush and nipples showing I’m not kidding. I had to run through the water the rest of the way. Felt like slow motion as I tried to have one arm across my chest and the other covering my crotch. Splashing through this damn water all the way up the beach to my clothes. All while the entire fucking class was laughing and laughing.

Now you would think that after that humiliation I would have stayed away from my classmates after we graduated. Ya, well, that’s not my style. After we graduated there was a party at a classmate’s house in the country. They had a pond and of course we were drinking so we weren’t thinking normal. One of my friends, her boyfriend and I decided to go skinny dipping in this pond. So yes, once again, the class saw my goodies. Only this time there wasn’t a think piece of see through white covering me. Of course in my defense that was over 20 years, 2 kids and 50 pounds ago so my goodies weren’t half bad. HAHAHA

LOOK A SNOW ANGEL!

December 22, 2014December 21, 2014/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

A few winters ago we were getting lots of snow and ice. One day it was really icy out so I decided I better start my car and let it heat up before I left for work. Well I get out of the shower and figure I’ll go out then so it’s warming up while I finished getting dressed. I throw on my fluffy pink robe and my black clunky boots and run outside. As soon as my foot hits my icy concrete front steps WOOOSH my legs fly right out from under me and not only do I land on my back I kind of slide down a few steps too.

So there I’m laying arms and legs spread out wide and I realize my robe is wide open. I’m almost as naked as the day I was born, at least my feet and arms were covered. But I was too stunned to move. I live on the corner of a fairly busy street and just remember this is in the morning so people are going to work. I didn’t hear any cars though, so maybe I got lucky. Since I hit my back I couldn’t move for a few seconds. After waiting a moment (felt like forever) and lying in the freezing cold, I could finally move. I slowly closed my robe, sat up and when I finally felt my legs could hold me, I stood up.

Then I had to find my damn keys that had flown out of my hand. I sheepishly looked around and thanked the good Lord I didn’t think anyone saw me. At least I hoped they didn’t! I realized even if they had they probably weren’t going to come to my aid. I ended up with a huge bruise on my arm and my butt along with some road rash. And let me tell you I’ll never run outside in just a robe again. Ok I lied, I already have HAHAHAHAHA