Considering I’m 41 and lost my virginity when I was 15 it’s safe to say I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit over the years. But there is one sexual experience in particular that not only makes me burst out laughing, but I also get confused at the same time. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about right? Where something is so outrageous that you can’t help but laugh.

I had been dating this guy for a little while so I didn’t think he could shock me. But one night in bed we were having a little, hmm, shall we say, “problem”. As men age there is a variety of reasons why they might not be able to get hard. Could be testosterone, blood pressure, cholesterol, shit just because he’s tired could cause it. Unfortunately it wasn’t the first time I’ve ran into it with this man or, well, other men. But whatever, you just have to play with it a little. That usually helps.

We were making out and trying a little rub rub, lick lick, but nothing was working. Now usually I could at least get him semi hard but on this particular night there was nothing. So I assured him it was ok, no problem, and shit like that happens. All of a sudden he sat up on his knees and started smacking his dick!

I am not even fucking joking. There’s this dude, kneeling over me smacking his cock over and over with an open hand. Cock and balls just jiggling away as he’s going to town on himself. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! I’m in shock of course and shout, “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?!?!” And he replies, “I’m trying to get it hard.” Now I’ve seen a lot of crazy ways of getting a dick hard but I’ve never seen a guy literally smack the shit outa his dick.

So he’s kneeling there smacking away, with tears in his eyes. I can only assume he was starting to cry because that had to hurt. But he started saying, “look it’s working!” and got really excited about it. Now I personally didn’t see a difference, except maybe his cock was getting red. But I was trying to figure out and exit strategy so maybe I just didn’t notice. I was so mortified at the whole situation I lost whatever desire for sex I had. But he was starting to get really into it. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Then the fucker grabbed my hand and started trying to smack his dick with MY fucking hand!

Oh, I wasn’t having any of that shit. Some people may get into that crazy sadism and masochism stuff, but not me. I snatched my hand back as if his dick burned me and told him he was a crazy fucker. Of course whatever halfhearted erection he had at that point went away so sex was definitely a no go. As if it was still an option. Once you watch a man smack his dick like he was trying to kill it you start to wonder what else he might do. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last much longer. And for that I’m glad. I mean what else was in my future, nipple clamps? Cock rings? Butt plugs? Fuck that shit.