Ahhh Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air, roses delivered, chocolates in the belly and rejection in my face. Wait, what? As usual, Valentine’s Day is another holiday (ok, pseudo holiday) that I don’t have any good memories of.  Actually that’s not exactly true. When I spend VD day with my girlfriends or my cats, it’s usually pretty awesome. When I spend it with men? Not so much.

There’s one Valentine’s Day in particular that I still can’t quite wrap my head around. The man I was dating at the time (I am using the term “man” loosely here) and I had been together for almost a year. This was to be our first Valentine’s Day together. Without my knowledge he had contacted my manager and made arrangements for me to have the holiday free. When I found out what he had done I asked him what our plans were and all he would tell me was to pack a bag and to make sure I had something sexy.

I had no idea what he had planned so was pretty excited at what was to come. He picked me up and before we headed to Fort Wayne he handed me a dozen roses, chocolates and kissed me passionately. After a lovely dinner he drove to a nice hotel and told me to grab my bag. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have a man that was so thoughtful and caring. Little did I know there was more.

We headed to our room and what I walked into was something out of the movies. There were rose petals all over the bed, a bottle of champagne chilling and this man that I loved looking at me as if he wanted to tear my clothes off. He told me to go put my something sexy on and he would be waiting for me.

In the bathroom I put on this silky purple teddy I had bought from Victoria’s Secret. It had spaghetti straps and these little pearl buttons down the front. Back in my 20’s I wasn’t very confident about my body, so the teddy wasn’t skin tight but still very sexy. I spritz on a little perfume and walked into the bedroom.

My man was lying naked on the bed looking toward the TV. I walked over to the TV and I stood there in my little teddy and a come hither look on my face. This bastard then says, “Can you get out of the way, I’m watching Home Alone.” What the fuck!!!!!!!!

I was in shock but moved. He explained to me that he just got into the movie so give him a minute to finish it. So I’m lying there beside him on the bed, in my teddy, trying to hide my humiliation but just waiting for his movie to end. Little did I fucking know that this was a Home Alone marathon. Do you know how many Home Alone movies there were at that time? I do, three. Three fucking Home Alone movies and he ignored me through each one. By the time the third one came on I went into the bathroom, practically ripped my teddy off and after shedding a few tears I exited. I didn’t say a word to this mother fucker, just crawled under the covers, turned my back to him and as I tried to control my sobbing, closed my eyes to try and sleep.

After his movie was done he tried to snuggle up behind me and asked, “Why did you take that sexy lingerie off?” I told him to go fuck himself, that evidently my fat ass disgusting body couldn’t compete with the TV and that I would never ever wear lingerie again.  He responded, “Whatever” and he rolled over and fell asleep.

On the ride home the next day I asked him why he’d rather watch TV than to touch me, especially after making plans and spending so much money. This fucking asshole spent the rest of the way home telling me how much of a turnoff I was in that lingerie. “You’re too pale for that dark purple.” “When you said you went to Victoria’s Secret I expected you to wear something sexier.” “Those buttons down the front were stupid.” “I don’t know. When I saw you in it I just wasn’t turned on.” Talk about wishing I had kept my mouth shut. As he went on and on I just sat there looking out the window of the car.

You would think something that happened over 20 years ago wouldn’t affect me so much, but honestly it still does. I have never worn lingerie again. I mean Hell that was 50 pounds lighter and 2 kids ago; if my body was so fucking disgusting then imagine me trying to squeeze my sausage ass in a teddy now. So now, I’m either naked or in sweats. That’s my comfort level. I’ve also found I have a deep hatred for Macaulay Culkin. If I see him in a movie or his picture on the internet I have a sudden urge to go throw a robe on. Oh who am I kidding, I don’t need an excuse to wear a robe HAHA