Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: joke

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING — December 12, 2014

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

I used to date this guy who found it hilarious as Hell to chase me, throw me down, pin my shoulders with his knees and thump me in the face with his dick. I’m not shitting you. The whole time he’d say “Time for your thumping!” He wasn’t being sexual about it because he would let me go after thumping me. Guess he liked the chase. I knew when it was coming too because he would get this look in his eye. He’d smack me in the face with his dick and then laugh his ass off and let me up, what a weirdo. It was especially embarrassing when his mother was home and he’d throw me down in the living room. I wish I was able to say we were  young and he was just immature. Then I would feel better. Unfortunately, we weren’t young. Immature yes, at least him. I think he had mental problems haha.

Years later a couple of girlfriends and I went to After Dark (it’s a gay bar). We went on a night they had male strippers. Come on I’m not stupid I know the guys were probably gay. Do you think I cared? Oh Hell no, a half naked man is a half naked man HAHA There was this on hottie wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. And yes, only a towel. We knew this because my one friend was curious and stuck her hand right up under his towel and grabbed his balls. Nice, my friends are such ladies HAHA Anyway this guy is dancing in front of us and all of a sudden jumps up on the bench I’m sitting on. I’m sitting there with a shocked look on my face, wondering what the Hell he was doing. Then he whips out his dick and starts smacking me in the face with it! WHAT THE FUCK! My friends were laughing their asses off. He didn’t do it to nobody else, just me. Damn, I must have “Dick Slap Here” written across my forhead. Oh who am I kidding, if that were true I’d have more dates HAHAHAHAHA

I Think I’m Pregnant — December 10, 2014

I Think I’m Pregnant

/Erica Dyer/1 Comment

I had been dating this guy who was a complete ass. The entire time we were dating he would do things to try to piss me off, like tell me shit just to get a reaction. I’m so gullible I’d believed him at first. I didn’t realize he didn’t have his nipples pierced till I saw him naked. And I would have sworn he had a stripper pole till I saw his bedroom. He would do this shit all the time! Not only that but he was constantly talking about other women he had sex with, even going so far as to point them out if we should see them (we live in a very small town).

So after awhile I got this little plan in my mind. My friend Dawn was pregnant so I had her pee on a pregnancy test for me. Yes ladies and gentlemen a positive pregnancy test. I put the test back in the box and even went so far as to glue the box shut. So this guy came over, and I was telling him I’ve gained about 5 pounds and I wasn’t feeling good. I’ve had a couple of kids, so I knew what to say, tender breasts, swollen feet, nausea. Oh ya. Well that night I was taking my vitamins and he asked what I was taking and I said “Well I have to be careful what I take because, well, cuz well I don’t know.” He asked me “Are you pregnant?” With tears in my eyes I replied, “I don’t know, I doubt it.” So now he’s really wondering, “Have you been feeling ok?” “Not really”, I say.  At this point I’m starting to laugh so I go and sit down and won’t look at him because I know if I do I won’t be able to keep a straight face. He keeps asking me “You think you’re pregnant?” So I go and grab the pregnancy test and hand him the box.

Now remember I had glued it shut so it looked like a new test. You should have seen his face it was great. I told him I was going to go take the test right then. My older son was in the bathroom getting out of the shower so I grabbed the box, opened it and took the test out, laid the box on my bookshelf and went in the bathroom. I told my son what I was doing and told him to go ask this guy what two lines on a pregnancy test meant. And the kid was perfect. I mean he’s such an actor. I hear him ask and this guy saying “What are you talking about?!?!” Then my son says all excited, “I’m going to have a little brother or sister!” I’m dying laughing in the bathroom. I mean I’m laughing to hard I can barely stand.

I go out and grab the box that shows on the back what two lines mean. I’m shaking, I have tears in my eyes and just have the look of fear on my face. The guy grabs the box from me goes into the bathroom and just keeps looking at the test and the box, pregnancy test, box, pregnancy test box. Just keeps looking back and forth, back and forth. I’m sitting on the floor outside the bathroom laughing so hard I bout peed my self. He comes out and at first thinks I’m crying. Then I tell him it’s a joke, Dawn peed on it. He calls me an asshole and calls Dawn. Then Dawn tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So he’s all worried, “This was a joke right?” it was great. I’m telling you I’m still laughing about that. I pointed out to him all the times he was “joking” with me. Haha mother fucker.

Before you feel any sympathy for him or think I’m a major bitch let me say something. This guy constantly farted on me, pointed out every woman he either had his dick in or wanted to put it in and was just plain an ass. Besides, don’t fuck with me because I’m one of the best and I will get you back, only better hahaha

What Up Homies — December 9, 2014

What Up Homies

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Years ago my son and a friend and I go to Carlos O’kelly’s mexican restaurant in Fort Wayne. They had those little candy and toy machines. So of course Conrad wanted to get something. I gave him some quarters and just said to get whatever. He wanted one of these little guys, or figurines, whatever they were. I looked and thought they were like little fighting men. And then I noticed the sign on the machine, “HOMIES COLLECT ALL 24”. I’m thinking what the Hell???? Homies? So we put our quarters in and pull it out a little Mexican dude.

Black handle bar moustache, wearing a white shirt and a stocking cap. I about died laughing. So we had to get more quarters and see what else there was. Kris and I were laughing about these homies and how they are all little Mexican men dressed as gangsters. She swears up and down the one conrad has had a gun in his pocket. There was another one with a wife beater, shades and a do-rag on his head. We were laughing about homies and the waitress comes up and sees Conrad playing with his little men and says “Oh so he got a homie”. Of course that set us off again in laughter. I mean really, who in their right mind thought that little Mexican homies wasn’t the least bit stereotypical or racist. And I’m sorry but I had to say it makes me wonder if somewhere they have more of these machines “CRACKERS COLLECT ALL 24” how about “CRACK WHORES COLLECT ALL 24”.

Seriously though I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. I can’t believe no one complained. Then that night my older son Zachary saw Conrad’s little man and said “Conrad got a homie? I have a friend that collects those”. Now how in the Hell long have homies been around? Has anyone else heard of these?  Carlos O’kellys is closed now so I can’t even tell you if they still sell them. All I know is they made for one funny night.