Over the years I’ve had a couple of good birthdays and a shitload of bad ones. Many times I was dating someone and maybe they didn’t acknowledge my birthday or chose that particular day to cheat on me. Sometimes all it took to ruin that day was the fact it fell on Thanksgiving that year and due to it being a holiday not one person said a thing. Considering I was born on Thanksgiving Day that should have been a sign haha.

One birthday in particular brings back such lovely memories. I’d been dating this guy for almost nine months. Oh what goodies was he going to get me, perfume, a necklace, a ring???? Well he gets me a coat. Which is a very nice gift normally. But this was the ugliest ass coat I had ever seen. I pulled this thing out and it was midlength, a nasty shit brown, straight line so no shape whatsoever, and it was this brushed fabric. Not to mention a big ass collar. I’m thinking “this is the ugliest fucking coat I’ve ever seen, it’s something my mother would wear”. But bless his heart he had tried, so dammit I was going to smile and wear this ugly coat. He asked if it fit and I thought “oh please god don’t fit”. But it did. Things would have been fine except he asked the big questions “Do you like it?” Man I can’t lie for nothing. So I kept my mouth shut, he then said “I have good taste, my mom wears stuff I buy her all the time!” My response, “I bet she does.”

Oh I know what you’re thinking; this doesn’t sound like a bad birthday, at least I got a present, but let me continue. He said he wanted to take me to Fort Wayne so we got in my car and headed North. As we are driving along he takes my hand, puts it between his legs (oh he’s getting frisky), and he farts on it. Not one of those little toots either. Imagine the butt flapping noise and smell that comes to mind when you think someone shit themselves. Now imagine your hand up next to their ass. Happy Birthday to me. He then laughs like he just did the funniest thing in the world. And his laugh wasn’t a normal laugh he was a moron so his laugh was more like a 15 year old boy (he was 35),  “HUH HUH HUH HUH That was so funny!” Ya, not my idea of a good time. Then we go to the dollar movie, which I picked out, paid for and considering we took my car, spent money in gas to go see

You want to know what I got him for his birthday? A 1967 Cubs MLB autographed baseball, signed by 10 of the players from that year. I’m not shitting you; I don’t even want to tell you what this thing cost. So yes for his birthday he gets a piece of history and a collector’s item. I get a dollar movie, an ugly coat and my hand farted on. But you know, I hate to say it, he was one of the better men I’ve dated. Sure as shit makes you wonder about the other men doesn’t it…