I’m all about a bargain. So when I saw a Groupon for Botox and Juvederm filler I jumped on it. Of course I was a little leery; I’d never had filler before. But I know someone who gets filler in their lips all of the time and they have these cute, puffy, kiss me lips. I wanted it for the lines in my forehead because they really bother me. I had Botox once before so I wasn’t worried about that, filler I wasn’t sure but why not try it. The effects of Botox last for 4-5 months, filler for about 9 so it’s not like its forever. The Groupon for $475 was a little pricy, but dammit I’m worth it!

When I got to the doctor’s office I noticed it wasn’t in the greatest part of town. But then again I just purchased Groupon Botox so who am I to judge? I go inside, sign in and find a seat to fill out a HIPPA form (and that was basically it). As I’m sitting there looking around I’m starting to notice how dirty the place is. Actually not just dirty, downright filthy. There was a ton of salt on the carpet, of course it’s winter so that’s normal. But there were bits of what I can only describe as trash. There was dust everywhere and also an old, nonfunctioning waterfall thing that was almost as tall as me. Dry water streaks were all down the front of the glass and the base the waterfall used to run into. But did I leave? Hell no, Groupon doesn’t refund without a good reason.

An older gentleman was called back at the same time I was. I’m looking at this guy wondering what the Hell he was there for. I mean, I’m getting Botox and filler but this dude was old. What could he want? The nurse takes me to a room and tells me to wait for the doctor. As I’m looking around this little dinghy exam room I hear a baby cry. A baby???? At that point I started wondered what the fuck kind of doctor this was. I mean old men and babies???? I’ve heard scary stories of people going for plastic surgery and getting fucked up by a non-professional.

I looked up the doctors website on my phone (yes I know, a little late for that) and realized this doc was a damn family medicine doctor. Guess she just decided to throw a little Botox in people’s faces to make some scratch. As I was reading the info I started wondering if I should just say fuck it to the $$$ and get out of there. But at that moment the doctor walked in. Even though I’m panicking inside I decided it would be rude to leave. Well, that and I’m cheap so the thought of being out the money is really what made me stay.

The doctor asks where I want the Botox and I explain that the lines in between my eyebrows really bothered me. I wanted the Botox and the filler there. She looks at my face and goes and gets the stuff. Upon her return she asks me what meds I was on and if I was healthy. I guess when you get Botox there you don’t have to fill out a healthy history form, a med sheet, or Hell even get your blood pressure checked cuz I can sure as Hell tell you none of that happened to me.

She sticks me with the needle for the Botox, basically right between the eyes. Now I can tell you that is not where or how the board certified plastic surgeon did my Botox in the past. But by now I was past the point of no return. After the Botox she looks at me and tells me she really didn’t think I needed the filler between my eyebrows and that she could save it for later if I wanted to come back. Oh Hell no, I wasn’t coming back. But do you think I said ok and walked away? Fuck no, I started pointing out everywhere else she could stick that damn needle.

I got that shit in my lips, by my nose, in my fucking cheeks, and my jawline. Every time she put this needle in she stuck that damn thing about half way in, filled my face with shit then tried to smooth it out with her hand. My eyes were watering like crazy. It looked like I was bawling but I wasn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, the shit hurt, but I think my face just didn’t know what was going on.

Once she was done she handed me a mirror but all I could see through my watery eyes was a big red blotchy face with puncture marks and fish lips. So I told her looks great and thanks. Because of course I have to be polite. So she says see in you 4 months for more Botox and she leaves. It wasn’t till I was sitting in my van I thought to myself, “Shouldn’t I have gotten a receipt or something showing what she did and used? And that was kind of weird they didn’t have me fill out hardly any paperwork.” But by this point my face was starting to throb so I headed back to my hotel. That’s when I really got a good look at my fucking face.

I called the girl I know who gets filler and told her my lips were all bumpy and not cute like hers. She told me I had to massage my lips and they would smooth out. What the fuck???? Now I want you to try massaging your damn lips and imagining lumps of shit in there that you are trying to smooth out. On top of that the lower part of my face was so sore I could hardly move it. Whenever I tried to drink I dribble because I couldn’t move my lips. I felt like someone punched me a couple of time in the mouth. My left cheek has a big glob of filler in it that I can’t get smoothed out. If you look at me straight on it doesn’t look too bad but at an angle you wonder if my face is swollen or I’m just sick.

As I was walking through the hospital today I noticed more people saying hi to me than ever before. I think they were just distracted by my face and felt like they had to say hi when I caught them looking. I’ve also noticed that since my lips don’t move like they used to, actually hardly at all, I have to concentrate on forming my words so I don’t sound like gibberish. Oh and I drool a bit at the corners of my mouth. But I’m sure all of these things will get better in time. At least that’s what the internet tells me and we all know the internet tells the truth.

So now here I sit 24 hours later. I am still sore and puffy. My lips are cockeyed, my one eye seems to sag and twitch more than normal. I still have the lines between my eyes. And oh ya, my nose is numb. See Botox can travel throughout your body when not injected properly. I guess the moral of the story is that I should stay away from Groupon Botox. It’s too bad I had already bought two of them. The other one is a different doctor though so they have to be better right? RIGHT? Come on help me here cuz you know very well I won’t let that shit go to waste.