Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: funny

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA

Finding Nemo — November 30, 2014

Finding Nemo

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment
A few years ago I was on the phone to a friend.  My older son was in the bathroom and my younger son was watching TV. Well when my older son was on the toilet he takes forever and I do mean FOREVER. My friends can vouch for this. We only had one bathroom at the time so my younger son comes to me and says, “Mommy I have poop in my pants.”  “Great!” I yell to my oldest, “You made your brother poop his pants again because you’re taking an hour on the toilet!” Well the little one and I were standing outside the bathroom door and I take off his pants and underwear. It was pretty nasty, kinda runny (sorry to be so crude and graphic) and I tell him to stand by the bathroom and I’ll come back and clean him up. I’m walking away and all of a sudden he says, “ooo, yuck!” I turn around and he’s pointing to the floor (I had carpet) and there was shit all over the floor. So I was still on the phone and I’m yelling that there’s shit on the floor.  Of course my friend was cruelly laughing her head off.

Evidently it had come out of his pants and I walked in it and got it all down the hallway. So I take off my slippers (thank God I was wearing slippers) and get stuff to clean the carpet. My oldest finally comes out of the bathroom and I tell him to clean his brother’s butt. My youngest is yelling “NO mommy clean my butt!” and I’m yelling back “JUST LET YOUR BROTHER DO IT”. 

So I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing this carpet and I notice that I evidently flung shit on the closet door. No idea how I managed that. Must have been some pretty intense cleaning. I clean that off and then I notice there’s shit beside me on the floor (how the hell can this kid crap this much!)  I was hoping to God I wasn’t kneeling in shit. I scrubed the carpet, the door and wipe my slippers off and threw them in the laundry.

I was going to throw the underwear away but most of the crap had fallen out and they were almost new so I decided to rinse them in the toilet like you do cloth diapers. I walked up to the toilet and once again notice that my older son should have flushed twice but didn’t. I flushed the toilet AFTER DROPPING THE UNDERWEAR IN. No idea why I did that. I about shit myself. Of course the toilet starts rising and my kid starts crying “MY UNDERWEAR, MY UNDERWEAR I WANT MY UNDERWEAR!”. I grab the plunger and start plunging away. Couldn’t get them up. I didn’t want to stick my hand down there so I figured fuck it and started flushing. I just kept flushing and flushing. He’s crying for his damn underwear the whole time. Finally I yell “THEY’RE GONE GET IN TUB AND SHUT UP!!!!!” He jumps in the tub and I continue flushing. 

At first the toilet worked but it was slow.  I had a feeling all it was going take was one big crap and the whole thing would be blocked. Somewhere in those pipes were a pair of size 5 Finding Nemo underwear just waiting to clog my toilet completely and make my life hell. Why couldn’t Nemo just find his way back to the ocean. I figured if I did have to call maintenance for the apartments I was going to blame it on my son and say he flushed them.