Not many people may know that the cat Chleo I have now is actually Chleo the 2^nd. The first Chleo I had to get rid of because it started pissing in my room. On my floor, on my textbooks, wherever it felt like it. Why the hell it started I don’t know, but you know cats, once they start peeing in a place they’ll keep going back. Well the cat was my younger son’s cat and I felt so guilty about getting rid of it that a few months after I decide to get him a kitten. Not just one kitten but I got 2!!!! Well these kittens were a few months old, maybe 4 and they had been living outside. But I figured we could love these little balls of fur and my son would quit crying about Chleo.

So I bring the cats home and after a lot of hissing at my fat cat Abby, they started getting used to the place. Well I was getting nervous because the damn cats weren’t using the litter box. I didn’t see them going anywhere else, but it was obvious the litter box was hardly being used. One day I walk in my son’s closet and sure enough step in cat shit. I had to throw a bunch of toys away and clean it up. Of course I was cussing the entire time. Then I found another place in his bedroom the cats had shit. Did I get rid of them??? No of course not, I thought, ok let’s just give them a little time.

I shut them up in the bathroom where the litter box was. Did this for a few days and sure enough they started using the litter box. Yeah! Well one day I walk in the bathroom right after the smallest kitten and I must have startled it because it ran right back out. I walk into my son’s room and there’s the little fucker shitting on my son’s bed!!!!! I had to clean the bed, flip the mattress, spray, the whole 9 yards. But did I get rid of the cat? No of course not. I still felt bad about getting rid of my son’s other cat so I put it back in the bathroom till it started using the litter box again.

A couple days go by and I’m thinking things are fine. I’m sleeping in bed one night, all snuggled under the covers. I woke up kind of groggy in the middle of the night and thought “God it stinks.” I’m smelling my pillows, bedding, my hair, hell even my under arms but can’t figure out where the smell is from. I’m tired so go back to sleep.

In the morning I go to stretch my legs and my leg hits something kind of wet. Well I’m half blind, didn’t have my glasses on and it was still dark so I kind of look down on my bed. Get my face up real close and see there’s this little lump. It looks exactly like one of those fake plastic poop piles that you can buy at a novelty store. So stupid me, still half asleep, I poke it with my finger. THE CAT SHIT IN MY BED!!!!! Oh my god I about hit the roof. I slept with cat shit all night. My god how gross.

I figured it had to have been that little fucking kitten again because I had seen the bigger kitten using the litter box. So I grab the little kitten put it in a cage and planned to drop it off at the shelter on my way to work. Cleaned the bed and flipped the mattress. I figured at least my son has the bigger kitten right?

Well that night I’m sitting by my bed and the bigger kitten jumps on my bed and starts walking around. I don’t think anything of it because cats will sometimes circle before they lay down. All of a sudden IT PISSES ON MY BED. COME ON NOW!!!!! I grabbed the fucking kitten and threw him with all my might out the back door. He flew up in the air, real good hang time too. As soon as he hit the ground he ran. I’m telling you I wanted to strangle it. I figured I’d rather hear a kid cry then deal with cats pissing and shitting in my bed.

The next day I come home from work and there’s a neighbor girl holding the bigger kitten and her mom standing there waiting for me. My neighbor asks me “Are you missing a cat?” I respond, “Nope not my cat” She says, “it looks like the cat you used to have.” So I say, “Don’t know what to tell you, it’s not my cat.” I am so going to hell for lying to this little girl.

So there you have it. In a 5 month period I’ve had three cats pissing and shitting on my bed. Cats hate me. But I love the fuckers so much. I have three cats now. My fat cat Abby Tabby seems to like me just fine. And now I have Chleo and Dorian Gray. Of course, his ass is evil. Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if he shit in my bed one day. If he does though, I’ll just have to see how far he can fly.