Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Near Sex-What’s On TV — December 11, 2014

Near Sex-What’s On TV

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Now everyone knows I’m a psycho prude when it comes to sex. But guess what? I’m normal just like each and every one of you. Let’s just say if you think I have bad luck in the sack when I’m dating a guy, well my attempts at one night stands were even worse. Back when I was in my twenties I went three years without even a single date. Yes that’s right, you heard me, not even a date. So sex? Well forget about that one. My friends and I hit the bars every weekend but I must have had “BITCH” written across my forehead because I got nothing. And don’t go thinking I was a dog then either, that was after only one kid so my curves looked good. No, my problem is, the more I drink the more paranoid I get, and I’m all about “you better show me respect!” Drunks at the bar are not all about respect they are all about getting laid.

Anyway, I decided I was going to do it. I was going to take a guy home and fuck his brains out. There was this one guy my friends and I always saw at Piere’s. He was funny and cute, always flirted with me and wasn’t a total stranger. So I figured what the Hell. This guy and I jump in my car and are trying to figure out where to go. Well I didn’t want to take him to my place because I barely knew him. For that same reason I didn’t want to go to his. So we decided to go to a hotel. He goes in and pays for the room and although I felt a little cheesy I was excited to finally be getting some sex after three years.

We go up to the room, take each other’s clothes off, and right away he goes down on me. Now don’t get me wrong, if a guy knows what the Hell he’s doing that can be quite nice. But this guy shouldn’t have even started. So I tell him, “Look can you just stop?” No response, “Please? Hello?!” He would not stop. I try to pull away from him and he had such a vice grip on my legs I actually had bruises the next day. Again I try to get him to stop, “Hello? Look you’re not doing anything for me. Can we just have sex please?” Dude would still not stop. Finally I took to tapping him on the head. I’m not shitting you, there I am patting this guy on the head and telling him for the love of God would he just stop. Still he wouldn’t. Finally I got so bored I reached over for the remote to the TV, had to stretch bit, all the while he’s holding on tightly acting like he’d die if he came up for air. After getting my hands on the remote I turned the TV on. Took me a few minutes of flipping through channels but finally found Harlem nights with Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor.

Now I don’t know about you ladies but if I was giving some guy a blowjob and I hear a TV go on I think I’d stop. Oh no not this guy. After about two hours of the worse oral sex of my life my crotch was finally numb, my legs bruised and I was bored as Hell. So I decided to just go to sleep. It’s not like he was going to notice, Hell he hadn’t paid attention to my tapping on his head so what’s a little snoring. Yes, that’s right; I just laid my head back and tried to sleep. I dozed off a bit and when he finally stopped I just acted like I was passed out. Next morning we jumped in my car, took this guy home. Talk about a quiet ride. Ran into him at the bar a about a week after and avoided his ass. Finally he corned me and said he’s never had someone he had sex with flat out avoid him. I had to laugh in his face and tell him I may not have had much experience but I certainly didn’t call what we had sex. So much for my one night stand. LOL

Got A Popsicle Stick? — December 8, 2014

Got A Popsicle Stick?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Gotta tell you about this one guy I dated. He was one of the worst lays I have ever had. I’m not joking! Not that every man I date has nothing to offer but a limp dick and an empty wallet, but I think I get more than my fair share. Let me just give you a little taste of what my life was like.

The very first night we were together, we had been out to the bar. Go back to my place to get a little somethin somethin. I take my clothes off, crawl into bed, and the guy can’t get hard for nothing. He tells me “stick it in it’ll get hard.” Now I ask you, how in the hell and I suppose to stick a limp dick in my twat? Seriously now. What tie a fucking popsicle stick to it? I tried everything to get him up. Of course me being a woman thinks right away it’s cuz I’m fat, and have stretch marks, that I just didn’t turn him on. So I’m bawling away. He assures me it wasn’t me, that he just had “whisky dick”. Whisky dick my ass!

The next time we tried fucking, once again he couldn’t get it up. Oh come on now, I know that shit ain’t me. So I put off the sex for a few weeks. But damn I love sex! So I thought maybe if we did something a little kinky that might get him going. So one night at Vinnie’s I drag him in the bathroom and try to get him to do it standing up in a stall. I say “try” because dude couldn’t get it up! Oh now I’m getting shitty. I told him he had better talk to a doctor because my ass wasn’t going to put up with no sex. It’s one thing if we’d been married for years and my spouse suddenly had a medical condition. But damn, we had just started dating, I didn’t even know if I liked him that much!

So we tried every variety of the little blue pill. But it was just such a pain in the ass. You had to take a pill and wait for it to work. I like being spontaneous. I can’t say it was all bad, there were like, um 1, 2, maybe 3 times in a year and a half that the sex was really good. But most of the time it was like having some big ass virgin on top of me flopping around trying to poke me with a limp dick. Not my idea of fun. Finally I said fuck it and didn’t even want to bother anymore. Why even get horny when the most I could hope for was a finger.

After awhile of this (remember we dated a year and a half) I just became the bitch from Hell. You see while I gave up on sex, he didn’t. You can only put a man off so much. So I’d lay there while he fumbled around, trying like Hell to get me wet. By this time though nothing about him excited me. I remember more than once him spitting on my fucking crotch. I’m not talking he went down on me and got me wet. Or spit on his hand and lubricated his dick. This man would literally be laying on top of me, suddenly sit up and spit a fucking loogie on my crotch (insert noise from your imagination here). Then he’d hurry and try to get it in. If he was successful it sure didn’t last long because he was certain to go limp in a few seconds. I’m sure the disgusted look on my face on the my frozen body was sure to make any man limp.

Finally I would do anything I could to discourage sex.  He’d be on top (always on top, I wasn’t going to waste any of my energy) I would say things like, “After 33 years I would have thought you’d know how to touch a woman, I guess I was wrong” or “can you hurry up and get this over with”. Of course he was a glutton for punishment, or in love, maybe low self esteem. Who the fuck knows. But when you’re trying to get a chick in bed and she says “gee uh gonna have to say no thank you, I know what I’d be getting” or “sorry but sex with you just kills my sex drive”, then you deserve whatever the fuck you get.

Finally it got to the point where the mere though of sex with him made me want to puke. I’d say I was sick, tired, busy, anything to put him off. Then run into the bedroom as soon as he left and rub one off with my lovely toys. Now I’m sure you are asking why did I continue to date him for a year and a half? Well, he wasn’t bad looking, had a job, his own apartment, a car, never married, no kids, teeth, and I hate to be cynical, but I live in a real small town and it’s hard to find a man with all of that.

So when I get the question on how can I go a year, two years, 3 years without even the hint of sex, this kind of answers it. I sure do WISH I could say this is the only man I ever dated like this, but unfortunately he isn’t…