Now as every woman knows from a very young age we need to be prepared for “aunt flow”, “our monthly gift”, or just plain ol’ our period. I can remember sitting in Spanish class, had my legs all jacked up on my desk, all spread, bent over to pick something up and there’s this huge red spot on my crotch. Of course during these moments I never seemed to have a tampon or a pad. In a pinch you can roll toilet paper up like a makeshift pad until you can run and get a tampon or real pad. I think every girl/woman has run into this situation at least once. At least I know I’ve been in the bathroom minding my own business and I’ve heard someone yelling, “Anyone have a tampon!” Even my sister told me about a girl she went to school with who was wearing white pants when nature struck. So see it does happen, and I’m sure many of you ladies have similar stories.

Yes my dear friends, years and years of this lovely thing called womanhood had taught us to always be prepared. NOT. One summer the kids and I were on our way home from Kings Island and Conrad had had to go potty. So we pull over to a gas station and me and Conrad go inside. Since he was pretty little we go into the ladies together. It was one of those one toilet deals so Conrad tinkles then I go to sit down. Well lo and behold I was a bloody mess, right through my jean shorts too! I was thinking what the Hell, looked in my purse, no tampons. No machine in the bathroom. So there I was 35 years old rolling a wad of toilet paper up and putting it in my underwear like a makeshift pad (not the most comfortable feeling and it sticks to you). I’m sitting there wondering how the heck I was going to walk through the gas station without getting noticed. Suddenly I get startled by this person trying the damn doorknob and knocking. “Occupied!” I yell, knowing I can’t stay in there forever.

After taking a whores bath with paper towels and hand soap I start checking myself in the mirror. I wanted to check how noticeable the big bloody spot was between my legs. I look at the front, the back, not too bad. As long as I don’t bleed any more that is. Of course Conrad thinks I’m a loon and wondering why the Hell I put toilet paper in my underwear. “Don’t worry about it honey it’s a mommy thing.” So I waddle out to the store hoping I don’t have a bloody wad of toilet paper suddenly fall out of my jean shorts onto the floor. I buy what I need and Conrad and I go back into the bathroom. I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and I’m wondering if I should have went with an industrial grade pad instead of a tampon but I wasn’t about to go back out there and buy pads. The cashier would have to start wondering what the fuck I was doing. So I plug that shit up and I rush outside. We jump back in the vehicle and I hope to God I don’t bleed through on the rest of the ride home. Ya, no such luck. By the time I got home and into the bathroom I was a bloody mess. My panties were a loss, my jean shorts were a loss. I was beginning to wonder if I should go check the seat of the car.

So I’ve learned dear friends, no matter if my period is coming or not I’m gonna carry a tampon. It’s always good to be prepared, and who the hell knows some day there might be someone in the stall next to me that realizes they are in desperate need of a plug. Next time my ass, or crotch I should say, will be prepared. If not, well, I guess I can always make a toilet paper ball the size of my fist and hope for the best. HAHA