Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: bathroom

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs? — January 4, 2015

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

We stopped at on our way to Hell (also known as Miami Florida) at some random grocery store so that I could use the bathroom. Their bathroom was one of those unisex ones where there wasn’t an individual stall but just a large open area, a toilet and a sink. Not the cleanest place you can imagine, but I really had to go so I locked the door and sat down.

As I sat there doing my business I just start looking around the room and notice these small, white pill looking things all over the floor. Me being the idiot I am, kind of bend over a little bit and squint my eyes so I can see what they were. And then it hit me… Rolled up toilet paper with shit on them! Jesus people, does no body know how to wipe their damn ass!

We’re not talking just a couple pieces because now I’m really looking and they are all over the damn floor, right up to the door. So then I’m fucking wondering if this person, whoever it was, might be walking around the store right now dropping little bits of shit paper everywhere. After I was done I had to maneuver around what I now saw as a mine field and try to get the Hell out of there without getting poop pills stuck to my shoes.

After that happened I now find myself looking on the floor in every public restroom, out of curiosity, sickness, boredom, whatever you want to call it, I’ll sit there and look at the floor. I’ll be damned if I don’t see it everywhere now. Just today I was sitting on the toilet at work and glanced at the floor. Yup, right there it was. Someone was wiping their ass like their butt was wood and the toilet paper was sandpaper and they were trying to smooth it clean.

Fold and wipe people, fold and wipe. You may end up using a whole damn roll of toilet paper but at least you won’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs falling out the leg of your pants as you walk to your desk. I don’t know who has the bigger issue. Them for making such a mess in their underwear that they probably have to shake it out at the end of the day or me for looking for these bits of shit paper. Go ahead and judge people, sometimes I forget my phone and just need something to do while I sit there. HAHAHAHA

Don’t Judge, It Was Cookie Cottage — December 21, 2014

Don’t Judge, It Was Cookie Cottage

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Anyone who knows me knows I have food issues. I wish I was joking but I seriously think I need therapy. There’s been many times that I threw something away at home only to grab it from the top of the trash later. Such as a half-eaten candy bar, stale chips, etc. There was even one time that Conrad was eating an ice cream cone, the kind with the chocolate in the bottom. He hadn’t eaten all of it and said he was done and tossed it in the trash. Well I snatched that sucker up and bit the bottom off. Hell there was a night I was at dinner with some friends and not only did I finish my margarita, my friend’s margarita’s, but the one girl had brought someone I didn’t even know and I’ll be damned if I didn’t finish theirs also! Ok, that might be more of a drinking problem than a food problem.

 Several years ago I worked for this company that would once in a while bring us in treats. Sometimes it would be lunch, maybe popcorn, all kinds of goodies. Well one day they gave us Cookie Cottage cookies. I love these cookies soooo much that I don’t even share them with my children. We were each given two cookies and I scarfed mine in a heartbeat. Later that day I went to the restroom, did my business and washed my hands. When I walked over to the paper towel dispenser I noticed right on top of the trash there was a cookie. Not just any cookie…a Cookie Cottage cookie! It still had the wax paper around it. So I looked around and there wasn’t anyone else in there with me. My mind kept telling me not to do it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I slowly reached into the trash, hating myself the whole time, and picked up the cookie.

 Still looking around to make sure no one came in, I removed the wax paper, my mouth was already watering. Well just my luck the damn thing was a plain sugar cookie and it had a big bite taken out of it. So I tossed it back into the trash and turned around only to find myself looking right into the mirror. And that’s when the horror of what I had just done came rushing in. “My God, did I really just take a cookie from the trash at work? In the bathroom!?!?!?!” I said out loud. Humiliated I ran back to my desk hoping no one at work realized what I had almost done. Thankfully it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie, because honestly, I would have eaten the damn thing. HAHAHAHAHAHA