Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Tag: asshole

I Think I Drank Too Much — December 19, 2014

I Think I Drank Too Much

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

There was one weekend that I had a date set up for a Saturday night. Well the Friday before I decide to go out with some friends. We started slamming drinks right away. I drank 3 liquid cocaine shots, 3 B52 chaser shots, then sipped a mixed drink. All of this in an hour. We had drinks lined up on the bar. Before I knew it the girl I was there with was puking in the bathroom. As I’m thinking that’s funny as Hell I notice some asshole I used to date. I’m not going to get into why he’s an asshole right now but I do want to say I went up to him to speak my mind. In my drunken state I proceed to tell him, “You should thank God I even gave you the time of day!” At which point I fell straight back onto the bar floor. Not crumpled or tripped, but fell like a damn tree. This guy just looks at me and walks away. Not my finest moment.

Luckily someone takes pity on my sorry ass and takes me to the bathroom. If you’ve never noticed the toilet bowel at a bar be glad, very glad. My face was inches away from urine splashes and pubic hair. Hell in this town I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t crabs also. Well it takes two women to keep me from drowning in the toilet. One holding my head up and one holding my body. By this time I had lost the ability to move. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn’t talk, move, blink, I’m lucky I could breath. The guy I was supposed to go out with the next night happened to be there. So one of the girls who were holding my head out of the toilet goes and gets him.

Now remember this guy and I had yet to even had our first date. I still cannot move a muscle although I could hear clearly. So anyway this guy grabs me under my arms while another guy grabs my legs. My shirt is riding up, everyone can see my bra, and my shoe fell off. And they carry me out the back door of the bar. It’s winter time, snow on the ground, cold as Hell. The guy carrying my legs said “Are you sure she’s alive? I don’t want to get in trouble for disposing of a body.” So my future date guy decides to lay me down in the snow, no coat, shirt up to my neck, only one shoe and starts to throw snow on me. I still couldn’t move. In my mind I’m thinking it’s cold as fuck but I was so drunk I couldn’t open my yes. Once they determined I was alive they picked me back up and threw me in this guy’s car and he takes me home.

I wish I could say he swept me in his big 6’2″ strong arms and carried me inside. Instead he drug me across the ground and snow all the way into the apartment building and directly into my bathroom (the next day he told me I was too heavy). The girlfriend who was with me covered me up and proceeded to take the obligatory drunk pics. My date guy left and I hugged the damn toilet all night. Puked my guts up, shit my pants, and ended up laying half in the bathroom and in the hallway. My older son had a friend who spent the night and when his mom came to get him the next night I was a pretty sight.

From my front door you could see right down the hallway and there I lay half in and half out of the bathroom. Her son had to actually step over my body to leave. I felt like I was dying. But you know, I still made it out on my date that night. Of course I found out later that after this guy had dropped me off (literally) he then went and spent the night with some other woman. I actually dated him for a year. Don’t judge, there’s not a lot of choices in this town, he had a job and teeth and my ass is heavy HAHAHAHAHA

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING — December 12, 2014

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

I used to date this guy who found it hilarious as Hell to chase me, throw me down, pin my shoulders with his knees and thump me in the face with his dick. I’m not shitting you. The whole time he’d say “Time for your thumping!” He wasn’t being sexual about it because he would let me go after thumping me. Guess he liked the chase. I knew when it was coming too because he would get this look in his eye. He’d smack me in the face with his dick and then laugh his ass off and let me up, what a weirdo. It was especially embarrassing when his mother was home and he’d throw me down in the living room. I wish I was able to say we were  young and he was just immature. Then I would feel better. Unfortunately, we weren’t young. Immature yes, at least him. I think he had mental problems haha.

Years later a couple of girlfriends and I went to After Dark (it’s a gay bar). We went on a night they had male strippers. Come on I’m not stupid I know the guys were probably gay. Do you think I cared? Oh Hell no, a half naked man is a half naked man HAHA There was this on hottie wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. And yes, only a towel. We knew this because my one friend was curious and stuck her hand right up under his towel and grabbed his balls. Nice, my friends are such ladies HAHA Anyway this guy is dancing in front of us and all of a sudden jumps up on the bench I’m sitting on. I’m sitting there with a shocked look on my face, wondering what the Hell he was doing. Then he whips out his dick and starts smacking me in the face with it! WHAT THE FUCK! My friends were laughing their asses off. He didn’t do it to nobody else, just me. Damn, I must have “Dick Slap Here” written across my forhead. Oh who am I kidding, if that were true I’d have more dates HAHAHAHAHA

I Think I’m Pregnant — December 10, 2014

I Think I’m Pregnant

/Erica Dyer/1 Comment

I had been dating this guy who was a complete ass. The entire time we were dating he would do things to try to piss me off, like tell me shit just to get a reaction. I’m so gullible I’d believed him at first. I didn’t realize he didn’t have his nipples pierced till I saw him naked. And I would have sworn he had a stripper pole till I saw his bedroom. He would do this shit all the time! Not only that but he was constantly talking about other women he had sex with, even going so far as to point them out if we should see them (we live in a very small town).

So after awhile I got this little plan in my mind. My friend Dawn was pregnant so I had her pee on a pregnancy test for me. Yes ladies and gentlemen a positive pregnancy test. I put the test back in the box and even went so far as to glue the box shut. So this guy came over, and I was telling him I’ve gained about 5 pounds and I wasn’t feeling good. I’ve had a couple of kids, so I knew what to say, tender breasts, swollen feet, nausea. Oh ya. Well that night I was taking my vitamins and he asked what I was taking and I said “Well I have to be careful what I take because, well, cuz well I don’t know.” He asked me “Are you pregnant?” With tears in my eyes I replied, “I don’t know, I doubt it.” So now he’s really wondering, “Have you been feeling ok?” “Not really”, I say.  At this point I’m starting to laugh so I go and sit down and won’t look at him because I know if I do I won’t be able to keep a straight face. He keeps asking me “You think you’re pregnant?” So I go and grab the pregnancy test and hand him the box.

Now remember I had glued it shut so it looked like a new test. You should have seen his face it was great. I told him I was going to go take the test right then. My older son was in the bathroom getting out of the shower so I grabbed the box, opened it and took the test out, laid the box on my bookshelf and went in the bathroom. I told my son what I was doing and told him to go ask this guy what two lines on a pregnancy test meant. And the kid was perfect. I mean he’s such an actor. I hear him ask and this guy saying “What are you talking about?!?!” Then my son says all excited, “I’m going to have a little brother or sister!” I’m dying laughing in the bathroom. I mean I’m laughing to hard I can barely stand.

I go out and grab the box that shows on the back what two lines mean. I’m shaking, I have tears in my eyes and just have the look of fear on my face. The guy grabs the box from me goes into the bathroom and just keeps looking at the test and the box, pregnancy test, box, pregnancy test box. Just keeps looking back and forth, back and forth. I’m sitting on the floor outside the bathroom laughing so hard I bout peed my self. He comes out and at first thinks I’m crying. Then I tell him it’s a joke, Dawn peed on it. He calls me an asshole and calls Dawn. Then Dawn tells him she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So he’s all worried, “This was a joke right?” it was great. I’m telling you I’m still laughing about that. I pointed out to him all the times he was “joking” with me. Haha mother fucker.

Before you feel any sympathy for him or think I’m a major bitch let me say something. This guy constantly farted on me, pointed out every woman he either had his dick in or wanted to put it in and was just plain an ass. Besides, don’t fuck with me because I’m one of the best and I will get you back, only better hahaha

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday — December 5, 2014

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Over the years I’ve had a couple of good birthdays and a shitload of bad ones. Many times I was dating someone and maybe they didn’t acknowledge my birthday or chose that particular day to cheat on me. Sometimes all it took to ruin that day was the fact it fell on Thanksgiving that year and due to it being a holiday not one person said a thing. Considering I was born on Thanksgiving Day that should have been a sign haha.

One birthday in particular brings back such lovely memories. I’d been dating this guy for almost nine months. Oh what goodies was he going to get me, perfume, a necklace, a ring???? Well he gets me a coat. Which is a very nice gift normally. But this was the ugliest ass coat I had ever seen. I pulled this thing out and it was midlength, a nasty shit brown, straight line so no shape whatsoever, and it was this brushed fabric. Not to mention a big ass collar. I’m thinking “this is the ugliest fucking coat I’ve ever seen, it’s something my mother would wear”. But bless his heart he had tried, so dammit I was going to smile and wear this ugly coat. He asked if it fit and I thought “oh please god don’t fit”. But it did. Things would have been fine except he asked the big questions “Do you like it?” Man I can’t lie for nothing. So I kept my mouth shut, he then said “I have good taste, my mom wears stuff I buy her all the time!” My response, “I bet she does.”

Oh I know what you’re thinking; this doesn’t sound like a bad birthday, at least I got a present, but let me continue. He said he wanted to take me to Fort Wayne so we got in my car and headed North. As we are driving along he takes my hand, puts it between his legs (oh he’s getting frisky), and he farts on it. Not one of those little toots either. Imagine the butt flapping noise and smell that comes to mind when you think someone shit themselves. Now imagine your hand up next to their ass. Happy Birthday to me. He then laughs like he just did the funniest thing in the world. And his laugh wasn’t a normal laugh he was a moron so his laugh was more like a 15 year old boy (he was 35),  “HUH HUH HUH HUH That was so funny!” Ya, not my idea of a good time. Then we go to the dollar movie, which I picked out, paid for and considering we took my car, spent money in gas to go see

You want to know what I got him for his birthday? A 1967 Cubs MLB autographed baseball, signed by 10 of the players from that year. I’m not shitting you; I don’t even want to tell you what this thing cost. So yes for his birthday he gets a piece of history and a collector’s item. I get a dollar movie, an ugly coat and my hand farted on. But you know, I hate to say it, he was one of the better men I’ve dated. Sure as shit makes you wonder about the other men doesn’t it…