Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

It's ok to laugh, that shit's funny!

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday — December 5, 2014

Why I hate holidays—Thanksgiving/My Birthday

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Over the years I’ve had a couple of good birthdays and a shitload of bad ones. Many times I was dating someone and maybe they didn’t acknowledge my birthday or chose that particular day to cheat on me. Sometimes all it took to ruin that day was the fact it fell on Thanksgiving that year and due to it being a holiday not one person said a thing. Considering I was born on Thanksgiving Day that should have been a sign haha.

One birthday in particular brings back such lovely memories. I’d been dating this guy for almost nine months. Oh what goodies was he going to get me, perfume, a necklace, a ring???? Well he gets me a coat. Which is a very nice gift normally. But this was the ugliest ass coat I had ever seen. I pulled this thing out and it was midlength, a nasty shit brown, straight line so no shape whatsoever, and it was this brushed fabric. Not to mention a big ass collar. I’m thinking “this is the ugliest fucking coat I’ve ever seen, it’s something my mother would wear”. But bless his heart he had tried, so dammit I was going to smile and wear this ugly coat. He asked if it fit and I thought “oh please god don’t fit”. But it did. Things would have been fine except he asked the big questions “Do you like it?” Man I can’t lie for nothing. So I kept my mouth shut, he then said “I have good taste, my mom wears stuff I buy her all the time!” My response, “I bet she does.”

Oh I know what you’re thinking; this doesn’t sound like a bad birthday, at least I got a present, but let me continue. He said he wanted to take me to Fort Wayne so we got in my car and headed North. As we are driving along he takes my hand, puts it between his legs (oh he’s getting frisky), and he farts on it. Not one of those little toots either. Imagine the butt flapping noise and smell that comes to mind when you think someone shit themselves. Now imagine your hand up next to their ass. Happy Birthday to me. He then laughs like he just did the funniest thing in the world. And his laugh wasn’t a normal laugh he was a moron so his laugh was more like a 15 year old boy (he was 35),  “HUH HUH HUH HUH That was so funny!” Ya, not my idea of a good time. Then we go to the dollar movie, which I picked out, paid for and considering we took my car, spent money in gas to go see

You want to know what I got him for his birthday? A 1967 Cubs MLB autographed baseball, signed by 10 of the players from that year. I’m not shitting you; I don’t even want to tell you what this thing cost. So yes for his birthday he gets a piece of history and a collector’s item. I get a dollar movie, an ugly coat and my hand farted on. But you know, I hate to say it, he was one of the better men I’ve dated. Sure as shit makes you wonder about the other men doesn’t it…

I’m a beautiful Indian princess — December 4, 2014

I’m a beautiful Indian princess

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

This one is for those of you who just didn’t want me to let you down without a good pimple story. You know I got one HAHA. Every so often I’ll get one big huge zit on my face, either by my nose, on my chin or the worse, right in the middle of my forehead. Just like those women you see from India who have that red spot in the middle of their head.

So there was this one time I got this huge pimple right in the middle of my forehead. I tried squeezing it (this only works if it’s a whitehead) and I made that shit bleed and grow like 3 times it’s size. Like the size of a dime. I’m not kidding! Tried to cover it and wear bangs so no one would notice. Well my sister and I went to a Wizards game and it was windy that day. I see this guy that I really really liked back in the day, he was still cute as hell. I decide to go talk to him. I’m standing there chatting away asking him “Don’t you remember me? Hell I thot I got better looking. How can you not remember me? Giggle Giggle”. Flirting like crazy. Dude was like “oh wow sorry didn’t recognize you.” Go back to my seat and talk to my sis. I’m like, “That was a little awkward.” My sister starts laughing her ass off. Evidently while I was talking to this guy the wind blew my bangs straight up in the air. So I’m standing there bangs sky high (teach me to use too much hairspray) and right in the middle of my head is this huge red Hindu dot looking at the guy like a third eye. No wonder why he couldn’t wait to get away from me. LOL

Ah but I got one better. I had started a new relationship with a guy. And you know right in the beginning you try your best to look good. Make sure your hair is brushed before bed, wear something cute, maybe dab a little perfume on. Had only slept with this guy a couple of times and he was going to spend the night. Oh I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. My Hindu Indian princess dot was back with a vengeance. Bigger than ever. I poked it, I prodded it, I made that shit bleed till I had to put a piece of toilet paper on it till it stopped. But dude wasn’t here yet so even though we were going to be jumping into bed I put makeup on, did my hair so my bangs covered it. Finally decided, yes this will work. Guy gets here, the lights are off, kissy kissy huggy huggy we crawl into bed. He’s caressing my arms, my neck, my face, my head, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” he yells. My god I was so humiliated. I mean seriously if you’re getting ready to fuck some chick do you really want to say some shit that’s gonna make her cry? Although I felt like crying inside I simply said in my most ominous voice, “That’s my third eye, and It’s watching you.”

So yes, if you ever see me walking along and you see I’ve got a huge growth on my forehead, simply tell it and me hello. Because my special third eye powers are among me and you have no idea what comeback and Indian princess like me might have. HAHAHAHA

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

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One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA

BRAZILIAN WHAT? — December 2, 2014

BRAZILIAN WHAT?

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Awhile back I decided to surprise the man I was dating and get a Brazilian bikini wax. Now for those of you who don’t know what this is I’ll explain. Where a normal bikini wax will leave a strip of pubic hair the Brazilian wax removes ALL the hair from below. The bush in the front, the hair on the lips, and (for those unfortunate ladies) the hair on their ass. Anyone that shaves knows that when the hair starts growing back it’s itchy and very stubbly. Well a Brazilian wax makes you very soft. And from what I had heard, men loved it. So I found a place here in Decatur that would do one.

I was nervous as hell when I went in. The girl who was going to do my wax was this cute little petite thing. She tells me to undress from the waist down. Made me a little uncomfortable, but she was about to see my crotch anyway right? So I’m lying on the table and she puts this wax on my crotch. RIP!!!! Tears that hair right out. My God it hurt like hell. So she’s soon done with my bush (and no it wasn’t really a bush bush, just saying that so you’d know the general area). Then she wanted to start on my lips. She asks me to raise my leg and pull my lips real tight. There I am basically spread out on this table. Leg all jacked up in the air, reaching behind me to my crotch and pulling my fucking puss all tight. I had to do the reach around because she was working in the front. I was so mortified, but what the hell could I do. This cruel bitch is just jabbering away ripping my damn hair out. I’m telling you the worst part it the lips, that’s not an area for wax, I’m just saying. She had me flipping every which way, (in positions I’ve never even had a man put me in) and pulling my skin. I was so glad when she was done with the wax. Then came the tweezers.

She gets her face right up in my crotch looking for stray hairs that might have been missed. I’m telling you by the time this chick was done with me I was as smooth as a baby. And, NO, all you pervs she wasn’t gay or being sexual. I asked her how she felt in this line of work, and she said it’s just a job, you get used to it. I’m sorry I could never get used to it, not doing it or getting it done. That shit hurt. I walk out of there, my crotch a little pink and raw, and a little bloody in a few spots, and waddled to the car. Very weird feeling with no damn hair at all.

About a week later I was at Vinnie’s and who do you think I ran into? That girl that waxed me! She’s just talking away like I was her best friend, asking if my guy liked the wax .  All I could think of was this chick had her face inches from my crotch. Thank God I don’t have a stanky snatch. HAHAHAHA

Finding Nemo — November 30, 2014

Finding Nemo

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment
A few years ago I was on the phone to a friend.  My older son was in the bathroom and my younger son was watching TV. Well when my older son was on the toilet he takes forever and I do mean FOREVER. My friends can vouch for this. We only had one bathroom at the time so my younger son comes to me and says, “Mommy I have poop in my pants.”  “Great!” I yell to my oldest, “You made your brother poop his pants again because you’re taking an hour on the toilet!” Well the little one and I were standing outside the bathroom door and I take off his pants and underwear. It was pretty nasty, kinda runny (sorry to be so crude and graphic) and I tell him to stand by the bathroom and I’ll come back and clean him up. I’m walking away and all of a sudden he says, “ooo, yuck!” I turn around and he’s pointing to the floor (I had carpet) and there was shit all over the floor. So I was still on the phone and I’m yelling that there’s shit on the floor.  Of course my friend was cruelly laughing her head off.

Evidently it had come out of his pants and I walked in it and got it all down the hallway. So I take off my slippers (thank God I was wearing slippers) and get stuff to clean the carpet. My oldest finally comes out of the bathroom and I tell him to clean his brother’s butt. My youngest is yelling “NO mommy clean my butt!” and I’m yelling back “JUST LET YOUR BROTHER DO IT”. 

So I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing this carpet and I notice that I evidently flung shit on the closet door. No idea how I managed that. Must have been some pretty intense cleaning. I clean that off and then I notice there’s shit beside me on the floor (how the hell can this kid crap this much!)  I was hoping to God I wasn’t kneeling in shit. I scrubed the carpet, the door and wipe my slippers off and threw them in the laundry.

I was going to throw the underwear away but most of the crap had fallen out and they were almost new so I decided to rinse them in the toilet like you do cloth diapers. I walked up to the toilet and once again notice that my older son should have flushed twice but didn’t. I flushed the toilet AFTER DROPPING THE UNDERWEAR IN. No idea why I did that. I about shit myself. Of course the toilet starts rising and my kid starts crying “MY UNDERWEAR, MY UNDERWEAR I WANT MY UNDERWEAR!”. I grab the plunger and start plunging away. Couldn’t get them up. I didn’t want to stick my hand down there so I figured fuck it and started flushing. I just kept flushing and flushing. He’s crying for his damn underwear the whole time. Finally I yell “THEY’RE GONE GET IN TUB AND SHUT UP!!!!!” He jumps in the tub and I continue flushing. 

At first the toilet worked but it was slow.  I had a feeling all it was going take was one big crap and the whole thing would be blocked. Somewhere in those pipes were a pair of size 5 Finding Nemo underwear just waiting to clog my toilet completely and make my life hell. Why couldn’t Nemo just find his way back to the ocean. I figured if I did have to call maintenance for the apartments I was going to blame it on my son and say he flushed them.