Category: WTF
Years ago I had gone out to Piere’s with a few friends. I was drinking, having fun and at one point talking on the phone to a friend of ours who I had a flirty relationship with. It seems it was his birthday and he was sitting home all by his lonesome. Well I’d been drinking, and he and I always seem to have the hots for each other. So when he told me I should be his birthday present I thought why not.
I jump into my car, it was about 1am, and start heading to Columbia City. I decided to take old 30. It was the back way from Piere’s and I figured it would keep me off the main highway. With it being a country road I’m quite sure I was speeding. Hell, knowing me I was probably driving in the middle of the road. Those country roads tend to be narrow with no lines and I was just driving along, trying to remember the way to this guy’s house.
Suddenly I see it…Those fucking blue and red lights in my rearview mirror. Only someone who has been pulled over when drinking can understand the complete gut retching feeling. Your heart pounds as if you are having a heart attack, you feel like puking and the only words going through one’s mind is, “Oh Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck” So I pulled over.
When the officer came up to my window I handed him my driver’s license, registration and insurance card. He glanced at it, shown his flashlight on my face, and then our conversation proceeded as such:
“Where are you headed?”
“To a friend’s house in Columbia City”
“What’s your friend’s name?”
“Well I don’t know his real name, just his nickname.”
“Where does he live?”
“I’m not sure of the address, but I think I know how to get there.”
“Why are you going there?”
“Well, it’s his birthday and I guess I’m his present.” (As I shrug my shoulders, hold my palms up and kind of nod my head with a “ya know” look)
“Where are you coming from?”
“Piere’s”
“Have you been drinking?”
“Yes.”
“How much?”
“A lot.”
At that point the officer asked me to step out of the car. I just knew I was fucked. I had to do the standard toe to heel walking and touch my nose. I thought I did ok on that until he pulled out the breathalyzer. He had me blow and kept having to tell me to blow harder and to not stop until he said so. I did as I was told and blew a .05. Although most people would think since I was under .08 I was fine and he would let me go. But see, I knew better. I had already admitted to drinking, a lot, and since I blew a .05 it was really up to the officer’s discretion if I should be arrested or not. Then this fucker did something that really threw me for a loop.
He looked at the breathalyzer, looked at me, then said:
“I want you to count backwards from 100 by 7’s.”
“Excuse me?”
“Count backwards by 7’s.”
“You want me to do what?”
“I want you to count backwards from 100 by 7’s.”
Now, I’m panicking at this point. That shit is hard enough sober let alone when I’ve been drinking! I’ve had cops ask me where I worked, ask who I was dating, put handcuffs on me just to see if I could get out of them, Hell even had one ask me out. But I’ve never even HEARD of an officer asking someone to count backwards by 7’s. This is where Karma, the grace of God or plain and simple good luck was shining on me. I’ve always been good at math. As a child we’re talking (3-4) I would do math problems for fun. So I started praying and counting.
“100, 93, 86, 79, 72, 65, “
At that point he told me I could stop and return to my vehicle. After handing me back my license and registration he told me to drive safe and have a good night. He started walking back to his vehicle and you would have thought I would just leave. But of course not. I hang halfway out my window and yell, “Hey! Hey officer! How do I get to Columbia City? My friend ________ is still expecting me to come over for his birthday!” I’m shocked as shit he didn’t just come back and arrest me. Instead he gave me directions. Maybe it was my awesome math skills or he just wanted _________ to have a good birthday. Either way, my ass got lucky that night. Twice…
Share this:
One night a few years back I went to the ER with a friend. She had this really sore spot, maybe a cyst, at the bottom of her neck, near her chest. Also, she had quite a lot of pain in her lymph nodes under her arms. We are sitting in the room and the doc comes in and introduces himself to my friend then looks at me and says “Are you mom?” WHAT THE FUCK! I say, “Mom! I hope to hell not she’s 29. Jesus how old do I look!?!?!?!” So doc says “I’m really tired, I’m just tired.” And my friend giggles “Maybe I just look that young?” To which I respond, “What like 12?!” So then doc starts looking at my friend’s neck and feeling her lymph nodes.
He looks at her like she’s an idiot and says “Do you know what it is?” All confused she responds, “Uh, No, I was hoping that’s what you could tell me.” So then he says, “What do you want me to do?” At this point I realized we weren’t dealing with the brightest doctor known to man or maybe he hadn’t slept in like, a week. I decide to interject before my friend started crying. “Look she has had a cyst before from an ingrown hair that she didn’t have checked right away. She just wants to have this checked before it gets worse.” So he looks at her and says, without a hint of humor, “Well you’re not growing hair on your chest are you?”
At this point my friend looks at me as if, what the fuck is his deal. So I ask what about the lymph nodes. My friend tells doc how she knows someone in the medical field and that they told her that if there was an infection in the thing on her neck it could be draining and causing the pain in her lymph nodes under her arms. So this doctor, and I’m not shitting you, says “Hmm anatomy, I have to remember my anatomy lessons” At this point he takes the palm of his hand and starts slapping it against his forehead, over and over. “Anatomy (slap), Anatomy (slap). Think anatomy (slap)”. My friend and I just keep looking at each other wondering what the hell was up this guy! Was he even a doctor????
Finally he writes her a prescription for an antibiotic and we go on our way. I told my friend I felt sorry if a true emergency came in if dude had to use his palm to try to jar a damn anatomy lesson loose. Wonder what the hell he’d have to do for a broken leg?
Share this:
Back in college I was taking a Bio anthropology class and it was CRAZY. My professor was pretty wild to start with. Well one day during class he was talking about these bonobo monkeys. They’re like a small version of a chimp. These monkeys are THE most sexual primates on the planet!!!! I’m not shittin ya. They have sex ALL THE TIME. And not just sex but oral sex, gay sex, sex in different positions. They are the only monkeys that have sex in the missionary position. These damn things are so horny that’s all they do. If two groups of monkeys come upon each other they’ll start hollering at each other, then they’ll just have a group orgy.
Now I bet you’re asking, yea right how do I know? The professor could just be saying it to mess with us. Well my dear friends, my professor saw fit to provide us with pictures. So yes I have visuals in my mind of monkey’s fucking and having oral sex. Hell there was one that was in color, a female monkey laying on her back and masturbating. Now that’s some shit to remember forever. And I’m telling you I WILL remember it forever; guess I did learn something in college. Felt like I was looking at a monkey porno mag.
And here’s another tidbit of info that isn’t particular to bonobo’s but to primates period. In some groups of monkeys there is the dominant male who gets to mate with the females. Well on the outskirts will be the nondominant males that the larger male will keep away. Sometimes there are horny little female monkeys who aren’t getting enough action (huh they are like us) from the dominant male so her slutty ass will sneak off to the outskirts and bend over for these nondominant males. And get this, the actual scientific term in the journals “sneaky fuckers”. Yes these females and males on the outskirts are sneaky fuckers. And alas, we had visuals for that too. We had still life showing the female sneaking off, her and the male looking around and then of them fucking.
I’ve earned two college degrees, excelled in classes such as microeconomics, macroeconomics, statistical theory and calculus. Yet the main thing I remember is the about the sneaky fuckers. Well that, and my Geology professor was a transsexual. Ah the things I learned in college. Wonder if this’ll help me land a job?
Share this:
When I was about 9/10 years old I was visiting my mom up in Fort Wayne. My mom didn’t cook very many types of things but there were a few she could do well. Whenever she made mashed potatoes she didn’t use that instant crap, she made real mashed potatoes. Whipped them up with milk and butter, a little salt and pepper, so good. Well I love mashed potatoes and I remember one day in particular she made them for dinner.
As my mother and my sister were in the kitchen making the potatoes I was sitting at the table in the dining room. After a bit they were done and my mom sits a big bowl down in front of me and walks back into the kitchen. Well I see her and my sister peeking around the corner and giggling and laughing, just watching me. Hmmm, right away I’m suspicious. I look at the bowl and notice there’s black flecks all mixed in the mashed potatoes. So I ask “What’s the black stuff?” My mom tells me “It’s pepper, just eat it”. Again I just sit there and watch them as they keep glancing at me then each other with smirks on their faces. I’m not stupid so I know something is up.
Now I’m really starting look close at the bowl. Finally I figured it out. I can see chunks of black, brown, legs, antennae “OH MY GOD THERE’S COCKROACHES IN HERE!!!” My mom and sister bust out laughing and tell me that when my mom turned on the mixer to mix the potatoes cockroaches fell out and were chopped up in the potatoes. They thought it would be funny to watch me eat it. And oh yes, my mother would have let me eat them. Wouldn’t doubt if she had before. At least I wasn’t my little brother; she let him eat worse…
Share this:
I don’t know about any of you but when I have an important interview nothing makes me feel more confident than a new outfit. Since I’m cheap as Hell I tend to shop clearance and discount stores. A few years ago I had an interview coming up and I decided to go to Fort Wayne and check out the used clothing stores. Usually I don’t try clothes on in the store but I wanted to get a couple of pantsuits and I needed to make sure they fit right.
After trying on a few things I couldn’t find a pantsuit I really liked. I noticed a rack outside of the dressing room with stuff that people had tried on and decided to look at it. On it I saw a black pantsuit with pants, skirt and jacket in just my size. Cool I thought, but I should try it on. So I try the skirt and jacket on and thought well “I’m not sure maybe I should try the pants too”. So I put my left leg in the pants, and start to put my right leg in. I don’t know what possessed me to look down. But right in the crotch area of the pants was this white stuff. I’m thinking, “What the Hell is that?” I have pretty bad eyesight so I take the pants off and bring the pants up closer to take a better look. Then it hit me “FUCKING DISCHARGE” gagging. Nasty, white, crusty pussy discharge from some sick bitch was almost touching me.
I dropped the pants, didn’t even hang them up. I left those nasty fuckers on the dressing room floor. Then I threw on my own pants and ran out of there. I kept thinking about what nasty fucking bitch might have worn them. Either the sick bitch that donated them wore them with no panties and dropped them off or some sick twisted freak tried them on with no panties. Both are just as bad in my mind.
Either way I was totally grossed out the entire day and it made me want to puke. It also made me wonder about the other clothes I tried on, that just started me retching again. God, why didn’t I check those pants also! To be honest I haven’t bought anything from that particular used store since then. I’m still cheap (and poor) so I do buy used, but now no matter where I shop I check the clothes over before I put them on.
Share this:
After I had my first son I had some nice curves and my boobs were still a bit perky. If anything, having him enhanced my body. My second son fucked my shit up. Not only did I gain the normal (for me anyway) 30 pounds of pregnancy weight but I gained about 20 more AFTER I had him. Since my ass is too lazy to diet or exercise I’m always looking for a quick fix pill.
Of course I’m ashamed to say I tried the whole laxative thing. That just gave me sever cramps. There was a prescription that my doctor was willing to give me but he would only give me 30 days at a time. Like I said, I’m lazy and I didn’t want to make an appointment every month. So after looking at the shelf at Walmart I found the diet pill Alli. All medicines have side effects, some more common than others. I didn’t take the time to read all of it. It’s all the same really. Or is it? My ass should have read the box. No seriously, my ass should have.
Day one on the pills I didn’t have any issues and felt pretty good. Great! So I kept taking them. Day two I was sitting on the recliner in front of my computer desk just typing away on the internet. I had just finished eating my McD’s and simply adjusted myself in my chair. All of a sudden it felt like I pissed myself. Not shit myself, pissed myself because I was suddenly all wet. I’m thinking, “What the fuck!” and looked between my legs. The whole seat of my sweats and the chair was wet!
I tried like vain to keep my ass cheeks together as I tiptoed to the bathroom. Every step I took resulted in shit or piss running down my leg, Hell I didn’t know which. When I sat down on the toilet I noticed there wasn’t any crap in my pants, just some weird thick fluid. So I looked between my legs. Yes I know that’s disgusting but I thought I was dying and wanted to see what was going on. There was this orange oil pouring from my ass. Not shit, but oil, fucking orange oil. I’ll never forget seeing this bright orange fluid. Think of Dayquil people. It looked like Dayquil coming outta my ass. What the fuck!?
Once I quit freaking out I had to throw away my underwear and sweatpants. Clean my oily ass and the toilet, because that oil was stuck to the sides. And then clean my recliner (which left a stain by the way). I went to actually read the side effects completely for Alli. It seems that what this med does is prevent your body from processing fat. So when you eat fatty foods this fat will either cause gastrointestinal issues, more frequent stools, or an oily anal leakage. Well no shit.
I wasn’t about to change my diet, I really like bad food. So I quit taking the pills. But now I’m stuck with these love handles and Buddha belly. I mean I don’t look too bad. Of course, that’s with my clothes on. I’m still searching for that magic pill. Maybe I’m just stuck with my fat ass. Then again I did see a Groupon for something called Lipo Lite. Hmmmm, wonder what that is.
Share this:
Now as every woman knows from a very young age we need to be prepared for “aunt flow”, “our monthly gift”, or just plain ol’ our period. I can remember sitting in Spanish class, had my legs all jacked up on my desk, all spread, bent over to pick something up and there’s this huge red spot on my crotch. Of course during these moments I never seemed to have a tampon or a pad. In a pinch you can roll toilet paper up like a makeshift pad until you can run and get a tampon or real pad. I think every girl/woman has run into this situation at least once. At least I know I’ve been in the bathroom minding my own business and I’ve heard someone yelling, “Anyone have a tampon!” Even my sister told me about a girl she went to school with who was wearing white pants when nature struck. So see it does happen, and I’m sure many of you ladies have similar stories.
Yes my dear friends, years and years of this lovely thing called womanhood had taught us to always be prepared. NOT. One summer the kids and I were on our way home from Kings Island and Conrad had had to go potty. So we pull over to a gas station and me and Conrad go inside. Since he was pretty little we go into the ladies together. It was one of those one toilet deals so Conrad tinkles then I go to sit down. Well lo and behold I was a bloody mess, right through my jean shorts too! I was thinking what the Hell, looked in my purse, no tampons. No machine in the bathroom. So there I was 35 years old rolling a wad of toilet paper up and putting it in my underwear like a makeshift pad (not the most comfortable feeling and it sticks to you). I’m sitting there wondering how the heck I was going to walk through the gas station without getting noticed. Suddenly I get startled by this person trying the damn doorknob and knocking. “Occupied!” I yell, knowing I can’t stay in there forever.
After taking a whores bath with paper towels and hand soap I start checking myself in the mirror. I wanted to check how noticeable the big bloody spot was between my legs. I look at the front, the back, not too bad. As long as I don’t bleed any more that is. Of course Conrad thinks I’m a loon and wondering why the Hell I put toilet paper in my underwear. “Don’t worry about it honey it’s a mommy thing.” So I waddle out to the store hoping I don’t have a bloody wad of toilet paper suddenly fall out of my jean shorts onto the floor. I buy what I need and Conrad and I go back into the bathroom. I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and I’m wondering if I should have went with an industrial grade pad instead of a tampon but I wasn’t about to go back out there and buy pads. The cashier would have to start wondering what the fuck I was doing. So I plug that shit up and I rush outside. We jump back in the vehicle and I hope to God I don’t bleed through on the rest of the ride home. Ya, no such luck. By the time I got home and into the bathroom I was a bloody mess. My panties were a loss, my jean shorts were a loss. I was beginning to wonder if I should go check the seat of the car.
So I’ve learned dear friends, no matter if my period is coming or not I’m gonna carry a tampon. It’s always good to be prepared, and who the hell knows some day there might be someone in the stall next to me that realizes they are in desperate need of a plug. Next time my ass, or crotch I should say, will be prepared. If not, well, I guess I can always make a toilet paper ball the size of my fist and hope for the best. HAHA
Share this:
I don’t know if any of you keep up with the celebrities like my sorry butt does but years ago there was this rapper called Lil Wayne that was going to prison for gun charges. Well when he was sentenced the judge ordered him to take out his grill before the deputy took him away. For those of you who don’t know what a grill is, that’s all that gold and diamonds those stupid ass rap guys wear in their mouth. It’s like a gold mouthpiece. Anyway when the dude takes it out his real teeth are falling out rotten. I’m not shitting you! Evidently the guy doesn’t realize you can take the damn thing out and fricken brush. So the judge ordered him to get his mouth fixed before he goes away. I can only assume this is because you can actually die from an infection that starts in your mouth. Well Lil Wayne ended up getting eight root canals at one sitting! EIGHT and they aren’t even done with the work yet. That’s how rotten his mouth was. Can you imagine how rotten his mouth smelled? Ya well I don’t have to guess.
Now I’ll admit, back when I was really little like 8, I didn’t feel like brushing my damn teeth. But as I got older it became the first thing I did as I woke up. Hell I’ll brush 4-5 times a day just depends if I think my mouth taste like shit or not. Now I’m not as extreme as my sister though. There was one night she woke up to see her neighbor’s house on fire. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, then ran and woke them up so they could escape the fire. (Yes I know crazy runs in my family). I’ve also dated a guy or two or three who just couldn’t get it through their damn heads to fricken brush. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to tell a grown man to brush his damn teeth before you’re willing to have sex because lord knows you don’t want that mouth close to your nose?
Anyway years ago I got talked into a damn relationship with a dude who must not have known what a toothbrush was. He used to come into my work and one of the girls I worked with would always try to get me to ask him out. All I could say was “Have you looked at his fucking mouth? Come on now that’s some nasty shit.” We’re talking not one, not two but a mouth full of rotten teeth. Green, black, and I’m not joking here, slimy looking. It was like his front teeth had big holes in the middle where the tooth enamel was missing. So then this chick makes me feel bad, “He could be a really nice guy and maybe he has something wrong that causes that.” Okay she wore me down, and lets face it it’s not like I have men beating down my door. So I asked the guy out. Yes you read that correctly. I asked him out.
As long as he kept his mouth shut we got along fine. So with me being so understanding and caring I kept dating him. Okay fine, it’s more like lonely and desperate. I dated this guy for a year; Hell lived with him for most of it. I could not stand the thought of kissing this man though. Oh God, once he tried to French kiss me and I literally thought I was going to puke. And the stench when he would put his face close to mine was unbearable.
Needless to say I found out his mouth wasn’t rotten because of some health issue, nope, he just didn’t brush. Yup, that’s what he told me. That is once I finally got up the courage to ask him why in the Hell his mouth was so fucked up. Why it wasn’t sure health issue out injury. He plain and simple didn’t give a fuck. And yet, my sorry ass stayed.
Well one day he came home and said he had gone to the dentist and he was going to get his teeth fixed. Can you believe how exciting that was? It took weeks for the dentist to finish the root canals, the caps, the fillings, and the teeth pulling. I’m serious, took weeks. But finally at the end of it all the guy had a really great set of teeth and a nice smile. Then within a week of the finished product the asshole left me for some chick he worked with. Explains why he got his teeth fixed after I dated him for a year. To this day I can’t passionately kiss a man without giving a quick glance at his teeth, and if I have my suspicions, my ass will ask if he brushed. Might be another reason I rarely get a second date. Wish I could say this was my first and only time experiencing something like this. Yup, I wish…
Share this:
I used to date this guy who found it hilarious as Hell to chase me, throw me down, pin my shoulders with his knees and thump me in the face with his dick. I’m not shitting you. The whole time he’d say “Time for your thumping!” He wasn’t being sexual about it because he would let me go after thumping me. Guess he liked the chase. I knew when it was coming too because he would get this look in his eye. He’d smack me in the face with his dick and then laugh his ass off and let me up, what a weirdo. It was especially embarrassing when his mother was home and he’d throw me down in the living room. I wish I was able to say we were young and he was just immature. Then I would feel better. Unfortunately, we weren’t young. Immature yes, at least him. I think he had mental problems haha.
Years later a couple of girlfriends and I went to After Dark (it’s a gay bar). We went on a night they had male strippers. Come on I’m not stupid I know the guys were probably gay. Do you think I cared? Oh Hell no, a half naked man is a half naked man HAHA There was this on hottie wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. And yes, only a towel. We knew this because my one friend was curious and stuck her hand right up under his towel and grabbed his balls. Nice, my friends are such ladies HAHA Anyway this guy is dancing in front of us and all of a sudden jumps up on the bench I’m sitting on. I’m sitting there with a shocked look on my face, wondering what the Hell he was doing. Then he whips out his dick and starts smacking me in the face with it! WHAT THE FUCK! My friends were laughing their asses off. He didn’t do it to nobody else, just me. Damn, I must have “Dick Slap Here” written across my forhead. Oh who am I kidding, if that were true I’d have more dates HAHAHAHAHA
Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch 