Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Category: Vanity

FISH LIPS ARE SEXY — February 26, 2015

FISH LIPS ARE SEXY

/Erica Dyer/1 Comment

I’m all about a bargain. So when I saw a Groupon for Botox and Juvederm filler I jumped on it. Of course I was a little leery; I’d never had filler before. But I know someone who gets filler in their lips all of the time and they have these cute, puffy, kiss me lips. I wanted it for the lines in my forehead because they really bother me. I had Botox once before so I wasn’t worried about that, filler I wasn’t sure but why not try it. The effects of Botox last for 4-5 months, filler for about 9 so it’s not like its forever. The Groupon for $475 was a little pricy, but dammit I’m worth it!

When I got to the doctor’s office I noticed it wasn’t in the greatest part of town. But then again I just purchased Groupon Botox so who am I to judge? I go inside, sign in and find a seat to fill out a HIPPA form (and that was basically it). As I’m sitting there looking around I’m starting to notice how dirty the place is. Actually not just dirty, downright filthy. There was a ton of salt on the carpet, of course it’s winter so that’s normal. But there were bits of what I can only describe as trash. There was dust everywhere and also an old, nonfunctioning waterfall thing that was almost as tall as me. Dry water streaks were all down the front of the glass and the base the waterfall used to run into. But did I leave? Hell no, Groupon doesn’t refund without a good reason.

An older gentleman was called back at the same time I was. I’m looking at this guy wondering what the Hell he was there for. I mean, I’m getting Botox and filler but this dude was old. What could he want? The nurse takes me to a room and tells me to wait for the doctor. As I’m looking around this little dinghy exam room I hear a baby cry. A baby???? At that point I started wondered what the fuck kind of doctor this was. I mean old men and babies???? I’ve heard scary stories of people going for plastic surgery and getting fucked up by a non-professional.

I looked up the doctors website on my phone (yes I know, a little late for that) and realized this doc was a damn family medicine doctor. Guess she just decided to throw a little Botox in people’s faces to make some scratch. As I was reading the info I started wondering if I should just say fuck it to the $$$ and get out of there. But at that moment the doctor walked in. Even though I’m panicking inside I decided it would be rude to leave. Well, that and I’m cheap so the thought of being out the money is really what made me stay.

The doctor asks where I want the Botox and I explain that the lines in between my eyebrows really bothered me. I wanted the Botox and the filler there. She looks at my face and goes and gets the stuff. Upon her return she asks me what meds I was on and if I was healthy. I guess when you get Botox there you don’t have to fill out a healthy history form, a med sheet, or Hell even get your blood pressure checked cuz I can sure as Hell tell you none of that happened to me.

She sticks me with the needle for the Botox, basically right between the eyes. Now I can tell you that is not where or how the board certified plastic surgeon did my Botox in the past. But by now I was past the point of no return. After the Botox she looks at me and tells me she really didn’t think I needed the filler between my eyebrows and that she could save it for later if I wanted to come back. Oh Hell no, I wasn’t coming back. But do you think I said ok and walked away? Fuck no, I started pointing out everywhere else she could stick that damn needle.

I got that shit in my lips, by my nose, in my fucking cheeks, and my jawline. Every time she put this needle in she stuck that damn thing about half way in, filled my face with shit then tried to smooth it out with her hand. My eyes were watering like crazy. It looked like I was bawling but I wasn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, the shit hurt, but I think my face just didn’t know what was going on.

Once she was done she handed me a mirror but all I could see through my watery eyes was a big red blotchy face with puncture marks and fish lips. So I told her looks great and thanks. Because of course I have to be polite. So she says see in you 4 months for more Botox and she leaves. It wasn’t till I was sitting in my van I thought to myself, “Shouldn’t I have gotten a receipt or something showing what she did and used? And that was kind of weird they didn’t have me fill out hardly any paperwork.” But by this point my face was starting to throb so I headed back to my hotel. That’s when I really got a good look at my fucking face.

I called the girl I know who gets filler and told her my lips were all bumpy and not cute like hers. She told me I had to massage my lips and they would smooth out. What the fuck???? Now I want you to try massaging your damn lips and imagining lumps of shit in there that you are trying to smooth out. On top of that the lower part of my face was so sore I could hardly move it. Whenever I tried to drink I dribble because I couldn’t move my lips. I felt like someone punched me a couple of time in the mouth. My left cheek has a big glob of filler in it that I can’t get smoothed out. If you look at me straight on it doesn’t look too bad but at an angle you wonder if my face is swollen or I’m just sick.

As I was walking through the hospital today I noticed more people saying hi to me than ever before. I think they were just distracted by my face and felt like they had to say hi when I caught them looking. I’ve also noticed that since my lips don’t move like they used to, actually hardly at all, I have to concentrate on forming my words so I don’t sound like gibberish. Oh and I drool a bit at the corners of my mouth. But I’m sure all of these things will get better in time. At least that’s what the internet tells me and we all know the internet tells the truth.

So now here I sit 24 hours later. I am still sore and puffy. My lips are cockeyed, my one eye seems to sag and twitch more than normal. I still have the lines between my eyes. And oh ya, my nose is numb. See Botox can travel throughout your body when not injected properly. I guess the moral of the story is that I should stay away from Groupon Botox. It’s too bad I had already bought two of them. The other one is a different doctor though so they have to be better right? RIGHT? Come on help me here cuz you know very well I won’t let that shit go to waste.

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gross lobby
gross lobby
AS SEEN ON TV—My Tit Hurts — December 17, 2014

AS SEEN ON TV—My Tit Hurts

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Back when I was 18 I drove over to Van Wert and paid 55 bucks to get a heart and rose tattoo on my right breast. Over the years it became more of an inkblot test than a heart. I’m serious! The blue, purple and green just blended together. Anytime I wore a shirt that had a little cleavage you could see it. I would have people ask me “Oh you have a tattoo! Um what is it?” So after about 15 years of this I decided to get it removed.

Laser removal is just so expensive. And I didn’t just want to cover it up, I wanted it gone. Since I’m such a cheap ass I decided to see what else I could find. So I did some research on the internet and tried to see what they had. I knew there were all kinds of “As Seen On Tv” types of products, they are everywhere now. I finally found this product that you are to rub on the tattoo and after so many applications the tattoo would be removed. It cost about $40 so that was right up my alley. I paid my money and waited for the bottle to arrive.

After about a week I received a couple of little brown bottles with some instructions. There was this one bottle that I was to brush on the tattoo and then another bottle I was to mix with baking soda and then put that on after about a minute. Anyone that knows me knows I don’t cook so the chances of me having baking soda were slim. I looked in the cupboard and of course I didn’t have any, but I did have corn starch. Has to be the same stuff, right?

So I put the first liquid on. After a minute or two I put my corn starch mixture on. After about another minute I felt like my tit was on fire!!!! I can’t even explain the pain I felt. Even after rinsing the shit off it wouldn’t stop burning. My breast was completely red and the tattoo area was hideous looking. For about a week I tried treating the damn thing with Neosporin, covered it, left it uncovered, anything I could think of. But nothing worked.

My breast kept getting worse and worse. It was swollen and so sore I couldn’t sleep. The area where I had put this shit was all red, pussy and tender to the touch. Even a bra and shirt hurt. One night at the bar I showed it to a couple of my friends and they remarked how painful it looked. After being in pain for about a week I couldn’t take it anymore.

I made an appointment at my doctor’s office as soon as I could. As you know when you make an appointment you have to explain to the nurse that comes in first, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.” She took one look at it was you could see the look on her face thinking, “DAMN what the Hell did she do!” She leaves and a few minutes later in comes the doctor. Again I had to explain what happened, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.”

Since my thought was I was having an allergic reaction I brought the bottles in with me. So I handed them to Dr. Johnson to take a look at. He took one look at those bottles, laughed, shook his head and said, “You can buy this at any pool supply store.” Turns out I was putting pool chemicals on my tit and was now suffering from a 2nd degree burn. He then proceeded to educate me about buying shit from the internet and if I really wanted the tattoo gone I should get it lasered off. Or I could do what they did in the Navy, rubbed sandpaper or salt until the tattoo was a bloody mess. Let it heal then do it again. Told him I thought I’d pass on that.

Leaving that office as the nurses snickered when I passed the front desk was worse than I could imagine a walk of shame would be. HIPAA my ass. Of course I can’t blame them. If some chick came in with her tit looking like it was caught on fire I’d share too. So yes, lessoned learned. Then again, I do have some skin tags I want to remove and the dermatologist is quite expensive…

I’m a beautiful Indian princess — December 4, 2014

I’m a beautiful Indian princess

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This one is for those of you who just didn’t want me to let you down without a good pimple story. You know I got one HAHA. Every so often I’ll get one big huge zit on my face, either by my nose, on my chin or the worse, right in the middle of my forehead. Just like those women you see from India who have that red spot in the middle of their head.

So there was this one time I got this huge pimple right in the middle of my forehead. I tried squeezing it (this only works if it’s a whitehead) and I made that shit bleed and grow like 3 times it’s size. Like the size of a dime. I’m not kidding! Tried to cover it and wear bangs so no one would notice. Well my sister and I went to a Wizards game and it was windy that day. I see this guy that I really really liked back in the day, he was still cute as hell. I decide to go talk to him. I’m standing there chatting away asking him “Don’t you remember me? Hell I thot I got better looking. How can you not remember me? Giggle Giggle”. Flirting like crazy. Dude was like “oh wow sorry didn’t recognize you.” Go back to my seat and talk to my sis. I’m like, “That was a little awkward.” My sister starts laughing her ass off. Evidently while I was talking to this guy the wind blew my bangs straight up in the air. So I’m standing there bangs sky high (teach me to use too much hairspray) and right in the middle of my head is this huge red Hindu dot looking at the guy like a third eye. No wonder why he couldn’t wait to get away from me. LOL

Ah but I got one better. I had started a new relationship with a guy. And you know right in the beginning you try your best to look good. Make sure your hair is brushed before bed, wear something cute, maybe dab a little perfume on. Had only slept with this guy a couple of times and he was going to spend the night. Oh I’m sure you’ve guessed it by now. My Hindu Indian princess dot was back with a vengeance. Bigger than ever. I poked it, I prodded it, I made that shit bleed till I had to put a piece of toilet paper on it till it stopped. But dude wasn’t here yet so even though we were going to be jumping into bed I put makeup on, did my hair so my bangs covered it. Finally decided, yes this will work. Guy gets here, the lights are off, kissy kissy huggy huggy we crawl into bed. He’s caressing my arms, my neck, my face, my head, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” he yells. My god I was so humiliated. I mean seriously if you’re getting ready to fuck some chick do you really want to say some shit that’s gonna make her cry? Although I felt like crying inside I simply said in my most ominous voice, “That’s my third eye, and It’s watching you.”

So yes, if you ever see me walking along and you see I’ve got a huge growth on my forehead, simply tell it and me hello. Because my special third eye powers are among me and you have no idea what comeback and Indian princess like me might have. HAHAHAHA

BRAZILIAN WHAT? — December 2, 2014

BRAZILIAN WHAT?

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Awhile back I decided to surprise the man I was dating and get a Brazilian bikini wax. Now for those of you who don’t know what this is I’ll explain. Where a normal bikini wax will leave a strip of pubic hair the Brazilian wax removes ALL the hair from below. The bush in the front, the hair on the lips, and (for those unfortunate ladies) the hair on their ass. Anyone that shaves knows that when the hair starts growing back it’s itchy and very stubbly. Well a Brazilian wax makes you very soft. And from what I had heard, men loved it. So I found a place here in Decatur that would do one.

I was nervous as hell when I went in. The girl who was going to do my wax was this cute little petite thing. She tells me to undress from the waist down. Made me a little uncomfortable, but she was about to see my crotch anyway right? So I’m lying on the table and she puts this wax on my crotch. RIP!!!! Tears that hair right out. My God it hurt like hell. So she’s soon done with my bush (and no it wasn’t really a bush bush, just saying that so you’d know the general area). Then she wanted to start on my lips. She asks me to raise my leg and pull my lips real tight. There I am basically spread out on this table. Leg all jacked up in the air, reaching behind me to my crotch and pulling my fucking puss all tight. I had to do the reach around because she was working in the front. I was so mortified, but what the hell could I do. This cruel bitch is just jabbering away ripping my damn hair out. I’m telling you the worst part it the lips, that’s not an area for wax, I’m just saying. She had me flipping every which way, (in positions I’ve never even had a man put me in) and pulling my skin. I was so glad when she was done with the wax. Then came the tweezers.

She gets her face right up in my crotch looking for stray hairs that might have been missed. I’m telling you by the time this chick was done with me I was as smooth as a baby. And, NO, all you pervs she wasn’t gay or being sexual. I asked her how she felt in this line of work, and she said it’s just a job, you get used to it. I’m sorry I could never get used to it, not doing it or getting it done. That shit hurt. I walk out of there, my crotch a little pink and raw, and a little bloody in a few spots, and waddled to the car. Very weird feeling with no damn hair at all.

About a week later I was at Vinnie’s and who do you think I ran into? That girl that waxed me! She’s just talking away like I was her best friend, asking if my guy liked the wax .  All I could think of was this chick had her face inches from my crotch. Thank God I don’t have a stanky snatch. HAHAHAHA