Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Category: Shit

Hmmm, Wonder If I Got The Job? — May 28, 2015

Hmmm, Wonder If I Got The Job?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

As I sat in the parking lot of Home Depot wishing to god the recruiter would call soon, I started feeling the rumbling in my belly and knew that I was in trouble. See the night before I had taken a colon cleanser. My thought was I’d take it the night before and in the morning I would go to the bathroom and feel clean and toxin free (or so the bottle said). But the morning came and went and there was nothing…

In my line of work I do a lot of telephone interviews and had one scheduled for 4pm. That was later on in the day so I didn’t think much of it. As I ran around Fort Wayne (about 20 minutes from my home) I kept an eye on the time and thought about what I was going to say during my interview. About 3:30pm I thought I should go ahead and go home so I could relax during my interview. I started heading to the south side of Fort Wayne and then the first cramps started.

“Oh god!” I think to myself. That colon cleanser had finally decided to kick in. As I drove I clenched my butt cheeks and put pressure on my stomach with my left hand. Anything to relieve the cramping as I tried to maneuver through traffic and make it to the South side of Fort Wayne. I realized I wasn’t going to make it all of the way home so I pulled over into Home Depot and was just getting ready to get out of my vehicle when I noticed the time. Fuck! It was 3:45pm. There was no way I was going to make it inside, take a shit, and back out in time for my interview. Sometimes they call a few minutes early so I didn’t want to be on the toilet when she called.

It seemed as if the minutes creeped by on that fucking clock. Since it was a digital clock there weren’t any actual ticking noises but I sure heard them in my mind. Second by second, minute by minute, the cramps got worse until I became actually afraid I would shit myself while sitting in my van. About 7 after I said fuck it, maybe she wasn’t calling and I did a quick butt clenching shuffle into Home Depot. Made it to the aisle right outside the bathroom and I’ll be damned if the phone didn’t ring.

I answered with (what I hoped) was my customary upbeat greeting, “Hi, this is Erica”. The recruiter apologized for being a little late calling and asked if it was still a good time. I assured her it was, that I was just walking around the hospital and certainly had time to talk. As I said this I leaned forward against the shelf and grasped the shelf with my free hand as if that would clench off my asshole.

Now you might be asking yourself why I even answered or at the very least told her I had to reschedule. Well, this is when I was just trying to get into consulting and let me tell you, it can be a very competitive world. There have been times I’ve rescheduled only to be told at my new time that the position had already been filled. Another time I had a recruiter call out of the blue but I didn’t recognize the number so I let them leave a voice mail. Called back 5 minutes later and they had already moved on to the next candidate. So basically when a recruiter calls, I answer.

As I’m stumbling through the interview questions I’m hoping the recruiter can’t hear the desperation in my voice. And I was getting desperate. Even with my ass cheeks clenched, my legs crossed and holding onto the shelf for support I still felt like I had a groundhog peeking out. I was about ready to cry. I clenched my eyes and rested my head against the shelf, cramping, clenching, and praying to god I don’t shit myself in the aisle at Home Depot. I actually had sweat beads starting to collect at my hairline and back of my neck.  I could sense people walking past me and hear announcements over the loud speaker, but it was as if I was in a fog. This interview was lasting forever.

Finally the interview was nearing a close so I decided that as soon as I hit end my ass was going to be on the toilet. I mustered all of my willpower and shuffled my way to the bathroom and into a stall. I’m standing there in the stall thanking her and saying our goodbyes all the while I’m undoing my pants and pulling them down, preparing myself for relief. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t step too close to fucking automatic toilet and you hear “SWHOOOOOSHHHHHH”. I froze.

After my few seconds of shock and my heart pounding in my ears I stumbled out an half laugh apology. “Ha-ha Sorry about that. I must have stood too close to the toilet. I went into the bathroom because I thought it would be quieter.” Ha-ha. The recruiter simply said thank you again and hung up. I didn’t have time to worry about it I sat my ass down and had the shit of my life.

It lasted forever. The smells and sounds cleared out anyone else who was in the bathroom. I heard one little girl say, “It stinks in here!” Try being in the stall little girl, try being in the stall. Although I didn’t exactly shit myself I did have a peeker so I tossed my drawers. I felt happy, relieved, and quite freeing without underwear as I left Home Depot. I nearly skipped to my van. The recruiter had said she would send me a follow up email so I just needed to get home and reply with my resume.

Can you believe that email never came? I mean really, I about shit myself for the sake of this interview. Considering everything I didn’t think it went too bad. Of course I was concentrating more on not shitting myself in the aisle than in the questions. HAHA About a year later I did apply for another one of their jobs and almost got an interview. I say almost because as soon as they asked for my resume I never heard from them again. You know how some people get put on a blacklist? I must be on this recruiting firm’s shitlist HAHA

A Shit Storm — February 1, 2015

A Shit Storm

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

A few years ago I bought the house my children and I currently live in.  It’s a really nice two story home right on a corner lot. Although it has a full basement, it’s really not one I could finish without pouring a new foundation. The house is over a hundred years old and at least one basement wall looks like the original stone. Whenever it rained it wasn’t unusual to see trickles of water seeping in. But it was still a beautiful home, so I bought it.

Shortly after moving in we had a huge rainstorm. The river was flooding, roads were flooded over, and it seemed even the drains outside were getting plugged. Since I already knew the one wall leaked I thought I had better check to see if water was pooling in the basement.

When I opened the basement door I was in shock. It was like a fucking lake in my basement. Not even kidding. The water was at least a foot and a half high and the rain still hadn’t stopped. I didn’t know what the fuck to do. It was the weekend, I’m a single mother and I didn’t want to call a plumber out on a Sunday till I knew exactly what was going on. So I called one of my friends and she said she’d see if her dad could come over.

Her dad showed up with wading boots and went down in the basement to take a look. My older son, who was about 14 at the time, decided he wanted to go with him.  Zach took his shoes and socks off, rolled up his pants to about his knees and followed. My younger son and I sat on the basement steps about half way down so we could see what was going on. After a few minutes her dad said it looked like the drain was backing up.

All of a sudden Conrad shouts, “IT’S POOP! IT’S POOP! LOOK IT’S POOP!” We all look down into the water and sure enough, there was turds floating around. Not just shit either. Toilet paper, tampons, shit, any fucking thing you can imagine that people flush down the toilet.

Now her dad was wearing boots but my son was barefoot so I shout, “ZACH! GET OUT OF THE WATER THAT’S RAW SEWAGE!” My fucking son looks down at the water and shit surrounding his legs, shrugs his shoulders and goes, “Eh”.  If I would have had the ability to walk on water I would have snatched that fucking kid up. As it was he was out of my reach and didn’t seem the least bit disturbed by the fact that my basement was now holding the shit for my fucking block.

My friend’s dad told me I would have to call a plumber and that the rain and flooding had caused the sewage line to back up into my basement.  He also told me not to use any water, no flushing toilet, showers, etc., since everything going down my pipes was just ending up in my basement. I thanked him and he left.

Then I turned to my son and told him to get his ass in the bathroom and I turned on the water almost to scalding and made him scrub his feet till they were raw. The whole time he’s saying, “But he said not to run any water!?” My response, “Fuck that! You were standing in raw sewage. Zach that’s people shit! We don’t even know whose shit! You’ll be lucky if you don’t get some damn disease!!!!!” After scrubbing his feet I also made him clip his toe nails as short as he could get. The kid is lucky I didn’t also make him pour bleach on his feet. But I thought that might be a little too “mommy dearest” of me.

The next day the rain had stopped and the water outside had starting to recede. A plumber came and took care of my basement. Then a friend came and scrubbed the whole basement floor with bleach. I have never had flooding like that since them. But I tell you what; every time there’s a heavy rain I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. If the boys aren’t home I’ll wait until they get there and make one of them go check the basement.  I don’t think I could handle seeing that lake of shit again.

How About That? Cats CAN Fly! — January 19, 2015

How About That? Cats CAN Fly!

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

Not many people may know that the cat Chleo I have now is actually Chleo the 2nd. The first Chleo I had to get rid of because it started pissing in my room. On my floor, on my textbooks, wherever it felt like it. Why the hell it started I don’t know, but you know cats, once they start peeing in a place they’ll keep going back. Well the cat was my younger son’s cat and I felt so guilty about getting rid of it that a few months after I decide to get him a kitten. Not just one kitten but I got 2!!!! Well these kittens were a few months old, maybe 4 and they had been living outside. But I figured we could love these little balls of fur and my son would quit crying about Chleo.

So I bring the cats home and after a lot of hissing at my fat cat Abby, they started getting used to the place. Well I was getting nervous because the damn cats weren’t using the litter box. I didn’t see them going anywhere else, but it was obvious the litter box was hardly being used. One day I walk in my son’s closet and sure enough step in cat shit. I had to throw a bunch of toys away and clean it up. Of course I was cussing the entire time. Then I found another place in his bedroom the cats had shit. Did I get rid of them??? No of course not, I thought, ok let’s just give them a little time.

I shut them up in the bathroom where the litter box was. Did this for a few days and sure enough they started using the litter box. Yeah! Well one day I walk in the bathroom right after the smallest kitten and I must have startled it because it ran right back out. I walk into my son’s room and there’s the little fucker shitting on my son’s bed!!!!! I had to clean the bed, flip the mattress, spray, the whole 9 yards. But did I get rid of the cat? No of course not. I still felt bad about getting rid of my son’s other cat so I put it back in the bathroom till it started using the litter box again.

A couple days go by and I’m thinking things are fine. I’m sleeping in bed one night, all snuggled under the covers. I woke up kind of groggy in the middle of the night and thought “God it stinks.” I’m smelling my pillows, bedding, my hair, hell even my under arms but can’t figure out where the smell is from. I’m tired so go back to sleep.

In the morning I go to stretch my legs and my leg hits something kind of wet. Well I’m half blind, didn’t have my glasses on and it was still dark so I kind of look down on my bed. Get my face up real close and see there’s this little lump. It looks exactly like one of those fake plastic poop piles that you can buy at a novelty store. So stupid me, still half asleep, I poke it with my finger. THE CAT SHIT IN MY BED!!!!! Oh my god I about hit the roof. I slept with cat shit all night. My god how gross.

I figured it had to have been that little fucking kitten again because I had seen the bigger kitten using the litter box. So I grab the little kitten put it in a cage and planned to drop it off at the shelter on my way to work. Cleaned the bed and flipped the mattress. I figured at least my son has the bigger kitten right?

Well that night I’m sitting by my bed and the bigger kitten jumps on my bed and starts walking around. I don’t think anything of it because cats will sometimes circle before they lay down. All of a sudden IT PISSES ON MY BED. COME ON NOW!!!!! I grabbed the fucking kitten and threw him with all my might out the back door. He flew up in the air, real good hang time too. As soon as he hit the ground he ran. I’m telling you I wanted to strangle it. I figured I’d rather hear a kid cry then deal with cats pissing and shitting in my bed.

The next day I come home from work and there’s a neighbor girl holding the bigger kitten and her mom standing there waiting for me. My neighbor asks me “Are you missing a cat?” I respond, “Nope not my cat” She says, “it looks like the cat you used to have.” So I say, “Don’t know what to tell you, it’s not my cat.” I am so going to hell for lying to this little girl.

So there you have it. In a 5 month period I’ve had three cats pissing and shitting on my bed. Cats hate me. But I love the fuckers so much. I have three cats now. My fat cat Abby Tabby seems to like me just fine. And now I have Chleo and Dorian Gray. Of course, his ass is evil. Wouldn’t surprise me a bit if he shit in my bed one day. If he does though, I’ll just have to see how far he can fly.

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs? — January 4, 2015

A Trail Of Breadcrumbs?

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

We stopped at on our way to Hell (also known as Miami Florida) at some random grocery store so that I could use the bathroom. Their bathroom was one of those unisex ones where there wasn’t an individual stall but just a large open area, a toilet and a sink. Not the cleanest place you can imagine, but I really had to go so I locked the door and sat down.

As I sat there doing my business I just start looking around the room and notice these small, white pill looking things all over the floor. Me being the idiot I am, kind of bend over a little bit and squint my eyes so I can see what they were. And then it hit me… Rolled up toilet paper with shit on them! Jesus people, does no body know how to wipe their damn ass!

We’re not talking just a couple pieces because now I’m really looking and they are all over the damn floor, right up to the door. So then I’m fucking wondering if this person, whoever it was, might be walking around the store right now dropping little bits of shit paper everywhere. After I was done I had to maneuver around what I now saw as a mine field and try to get the Hell out of there without getting poop pills stuck to my shoes.

After that happened I now find myself looking on the floor in every public restroom, out of curiosity, sickness, boredom, whatever you want to call it, I’ll sit there and look at the floor. I’ll be damned if I don’t see it everywhere now. Just today I was sitting on the toilet at work and glanced at the floor. Yup, right there it was. Someone was wiping their ass like their butt was wood and the toilet paper was sandpaper and they were trying to smooth it clean.

Fold and wipe people, fold and wipe. You may end up using a whole damn roll of toilet paper but at least you won’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs falling out the leg of your pants as you walk to your desk. I don’t know who has the bigger issue. Them for making such a mess in their underwear that they probably have to shake it out at the end of the day or me for looking for these bits of shit paper. Go ahead and judge people, sometimes I forget my phone and just need something to do while I sit there. HAHAHAHA

What Smells??? — December 3, 2014

What Smells???

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment

One night years ago a couple of friends wanted to go out to Piere’s. So I had my brother and his girlfriend come over to baby-sit Zachary and off I go. As I’m driving I realize my stomach was hurting. So I pull over at Walgreen’s and buy something for my tummy. One of my girlfriends called and we were talking on the phone when it hit me. My god I had to get to a bathroom now.

I pull into a store parking lot and I’m telling her I have to stop. I’m hurrying through the parking lot, walking past people. All of a sudden shit just starts running down my legs. I didn’t even feel it come out, just felt it all over me. I stood there and I’m like “Oh my God I just shit myself!” She’s like “WHAT?” I’m stuttering, “I’m standing here in this parking lot, filled with people, and I literally just shit myself.” She’s dying laughing. So I turn around, squeeze my butt cheeks together and waddle back to my car. I get in my car, but I don’t sit down. It was bad enough I was covered by shit but I didn’t want it squirting out the top of my pants. Have you ever tried driving a car without putting your ass on the seat? It’s a challenge let me tell you. I’m laughing on the phone to my friend telling her I hoped I didn’t get pulled over and I take my sorry butt home. I’m driving with my back straight; butt up in the air, and stinking up the car like crazy. I keep telling her I should stay home but of course she talked me into just going to clean myself up.

So I walk in my place, right past my brother, his girlfriend, and Zachary who was probably 6 at the time. I go into the bathroom and yell for Zachary to bring mommy some pants, so he does. Well I jump in the shower, clean myself up and walk into the living room. My brother and his girlfriend are laughing their asses off. My brother said when Zachary came back into the living room he said “It smells like crap in there!” So I told them I shit myself, God knows why it happened. I go out to Piere’s and as soon as I walk in there’s my friends, dying laughing. Not only did Zoranna tell the other friend we were meeting I shit myself, but everyone else that was at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t get any hot guys hitting on me. Gotta love friends HAHAHAHAHA

Finding Nemo — November 30, 2014

Finding Nemo

/Erica Dyer/Leave a comment
A few years ago I was on the phone to a friend.  My older son was in the bathroom and my younger son was watching TV. Well when my older son was on the toilet he takes forever and I do mean FOREVER. My friends can vouch for this. We only had one bathroom at the time so my younger son comes to me and says, “Mommy I have poop in my pants.”  “Great!” I yell to my oldest, “You made your brother poop his pants again because you’re taking an hour on the toilet!” Well the little one and I were standing outside the bathroom door and I take off his pants and underwear. It was pretty nasty, kinda runny (sorry to be so crude and graphic) and I tell him to stand by the bathroom and I’ll come back and clean him up. I’m walking away and all of a sudden he says, “ooo, yuck!” I turn around and he’s pointing to the floor (I had carpet) and there was shit all over the floor. So I was still on the phone and I’m yelling that there’s shit on the floor.  Of course my friend was cruelly laughing her head off.

Evidently it had come out of his pants and I walked in it and got it all down the hallway. So I take off my slippers (thank God I was wearing slippers) and get stuff to clean the carpet. My oldest finally comes out of the bathroom and I tell him to clean his brother’s butt. My youngest is yelling “NO mommy clean my butt!” and I’m yelling back “JUST LET YOUR BROTHER DO IT”. 

So I’m on my hands and knees scrubbing this carpet and I notice that I evidently flung shit on the closet door. No idea how I managed that. Must have been some pretty intense cleaning. I clean that off and then I notice there’s shit beside me on the floor (how the hell can this kid crap this much!)  I was hoping to God I wasn’t kneeling in shit. I scrubed the carpet, the door and wipe my slippers off and threw them in the laundry.

I was going to throw the underwear away but most of the crap had fallen out and they were almost new so I decided to rinse them in the toilet like you do cloth diapers. I walked up to the toilet and once again notice that my older son should have flushed twice but didn’t. I flushed the toilet AFTER DROPPING THE UNDERWEAR IN. No idea why I did that. I about shit myself. Of course the toilet starts rising and my kid starts crying “MY UNDERWEAR, MY UNDERWEAR I WANT MY UNDERWEAR!”. I grab the plunger and start plunging away. Couldn’t get them up. I didn’t want to stick my hand down there so I figured fuck it and started flushing. I just kept flushing and flushing. He’s crying for his damn underwear the whole time. Finally I yell “THEY’RE GONE GET IN TUB AND SHUT UP!!!!!” He jumps in the tub and I continue flushing. 

At first the toilet worked but it was slow.  I had a feeling all it was going take was one big crap and the whole thing would be blocked. Somewhere in those pipes were a pair of size 5 Finding Nemo underwear just waiting to clog my toilet completely and make my life hell. Why couldn’t Nemo just find his way back to the ocean. I figured if I did have to call maintenance for the apartments I was going to blame it on my son and say he flushed them.