There was one weekend that I had a date set up for a Saturday night. Well the Friday before I decide to go out with some friends. We started slamming drinks right away. I drank 3 liquid cocaine shots, 3 B52 chaser shots, then sipped a mixed drink. All of this in an hour. We had drinks lined up on the bar. Before I knew it the girl I was there with was puking in the bathroom. As I’m thinking that’s funny as Hell I notice some asshole I used to date. I’m not going to get into why he’s an asshole right now but I do want to say I went up to him to speak my mind. In my drunken state I proceed to tell him, “You should thank God I even gave you the time of day!” At which point I fell straight back onto the bar floor. Not crumpled or tripped, but fell like a damn tree. This guy just looks at me and walks away. Not my finest moment.
Luckily someone takes pity on my sorry ass and takes me to the bathroom. If you’ve never noticed the toilet bowel at a bar be glad, very glad. My face was inches away from urine splashes and pubic hair. Hell in this town I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t crabs also. Well it takes two women to keep me from drowning in the toilet. One holding my head up and one holding my body. By this time I had lost the ability to move. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn’t talk, move, blink, I’m lucky I could breath. The guy I was supposed to go out with the next night happened to be there. So one of the girls who were holding my head out of the toilet goes and gets him.
Now remember this guy and I had yet to even had our first date. I still cannot move a muscle although I could hear clearly. So anyway this guy grabs me under my arms while another guy grabs my legs. My shirt is riding up, everyone can see my bra, and my shoe fell off. And they carry me out the back door of the bar. It’s winter time, snow on the ground, cold as Hell. The guy carrying my legs said “Are you sure she’s alive? I don’t want to get in trouble for disposing of a body.” So my future date guy decides to lay me down in the snow, no coat, shirt up to my neck, only one shoe and starts to throw snow on me. I still couldn’t move. In my mind I’m thinking it’s cold as fuck but I was so drunk I couldn’t open my yes. Once they determined I was alive they picked me back up and threw me in this guy’s car and he takes me home.
I wish I could say he swept me in his big 6’2″ strong arms and carried me inside. Instead he drug me across the ground and snow all the way into the apartment building and directly into my bathroom (the next day he told me I was too heavy). The girlfriend who was with me covered me up and proceeded to take the obligatory drunk pics. My date guy left and I hugged the damn toilet all night. Puked my guts up, shit my pants, and ended up laying half in the bathroom and in the hallway. My older son had a friend who spent the night and when his mom came to get him the next night I was a pretty sight.
From my front door you could see right down the hallway and there I lay half in and half out of the bathroom. Her son had to actually step over my body to leave. I felt like I was dying. But you know, I still made it out on my date that night. Of course I found out later that after this guy had dropped me off (literally) he then went and spent the night with some other woman. I actually dated him for a year. Don’t judge, there’s not a lot of choices in this town, he had a job and teeth and my ass is heavy HAHAHAHAHA
Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch 