Category: Drunk
Considering I’m 41, have never been married and haven’t had a relationship last over 3 years it’s safe to say I’ve met a lot of different moms. And it doesn’t matter what age I am, they never seem to like me. Dads love me and think I’m funny as Hell and often give their son’s the old nudge, “good going son”. But mothers never do. The reason might be that I curse like a sailor, or often dress in tight clothes. Might even be the fact I’ve had kids out of wedlock. Who the fuck knows. I’m usually prim and proper when I meet the moms. But once in a while I don’t even have to wonder why the mom doesn’t like me. Hell, sometimes it’s like a slap in the face and I actually agree with them.
A few years back I was dating a guy I was really into. I hadn’t met any of his family yet but he was having a bonfire at his parent’s house so I was going to get my chance. Several of us were out in the woods partying around the fire. I had finally drunk just enough liquid courage that a few of us girls rode the golf cart up front to the house where his parents were.
It was a chilly fall night so his mom and a few others were in the garage drinking, talking, and just having fun. Us girls went into the garage and left the big garage door open about 2 ½ feet. Not quite closed all of the way. With so many of us in the garage it was getting hot and if I remember correctly a few people were smoking.
Anyway, I find this guy’s mom and introduce myself. I was pretty proud that I had the courage to do it. Of course remember what I said earlier about liquid courage? Liquid courage my ass. I was fucked up. I start rambling on and on to this poor woman about how the mothers of the guys I date never like me. They think I’m a whore, dress like a slut, I cuss, on and on I went. She kept trying to interrupt me and tell me that she didn’t think I was that bad. But it was as if I had made it my mission to convince her otherwise, so I kept talking.
This woman was looking at me like I was nuts. And you know how it is once you know you fucked up and you try to back pedal but only seem to make things worse? Yup. That was me. My friends were even telling me to shut up. That is when they weren’t openly laughing at me. I kept glancing over at the garage door wishing like Hell it was open so I could just run out. Door, mom, door, mom. I could feel the panic start to rise.
As I was rambling I turned and lost my balance. So to make matters worse I was now falling down drunk in front of this woman I had just met. At this point I lost all dignity and realized there was no going back. Retreat was my only answer. I was already on the ground, had already humiliated myself and knew I had fucked up big time with his mom. I thought “fuck it”, and crawled across the garage floor and underneath the partially opened garage door. Now had I been sober I would have realized there was an actual door right next to the partially open garage door. But by this point I wasn’t thinking straight. So yes, this woman had to watch as I crawled along her garage floor and shimmied underneath like some damn rat.
I started walking back to the bonfire and my friends pulled up behind me in the golf cart. Of course they were laughing their asses off asking me what the fuck I was thinking. But that’s the thing! I wasn’t thinking! If either one of my sons had a girlfriend who did some shit like that I’d probably kick her ass as she was crawling across the floor and tell the whore not to come back.
A short golf cart ride and we were back at the bonfire. By this time I was trying to play it cool, like I didn’t do anything that bad. I went up to the guy I was dating and told him I got the courage to go up to the house and meet his mom. He asked me how it went and I just responded, “I don’t think she liked me.” He assured me that she was just hard to get to know and she probably liked me just fine. That fucker had no clue. Until the next day of course. I’m sure his mother gave him an earful then. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last very long. Now I try to avoid mothers like the plague. Of course they probably think I’m a snob and that’s just another reason not to like me. But it does keep me from crawling around on garage floors. Well, at least when I’m meeting someone’s mom. HAHA
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Eddie Murphy, in the stand-up show Raw, had it right when he said, “If you give starving man a cracker it’s the best fucking cracker he’s ever had” and it was the same with sex. That statement is so true. I’m telling you after a few years of no sex this bitch gets starving. A while ago my friends introduce me to this guy who is just the exact opposite of any other guy I’ve ever dated. Dude was short, balding, a little hunchbacked, the kind of guy you probably wouldn’t look twice at. But I hadn’t dated in a while so I figure why not go out.
We got along on our double date and had a lot of fun. I had met him a few times before in a group setting so I thought fuck it, and invited him back to my place. I’m telling you I will never look at a short dude the same way again. It was awesome sex. But a relationship in heaven it was not meant to be. After only a month or two it ended. My stupid ass mooned over this guy for far longer than he was worth. But we do that kind of shit don’t we? Or it could just be me.
A couple of months after we broke up I’m out at the bar, drunk, horny and got the bright idea I was going to have someone take me to this guy’s house out in the country. I can remember my friend saying “Are you sure you want me to take you out there?” I say, “Oh ya, it’ll be fine. He leaves his door unlocked so I know I can get in.”
Now I hadn’t even talked to this guy in two months but somehow in my drunken state I just knew he would be ecstatic that I would show up and want sex. So I had my friend drop me off and I go walking into this guy’s house. It wasn’t until I reached his bedroom I thought “OH FUCK! What if he has someone in bed with him?” Did that stop me? Hell no, my ass was drunk and horny.
Walked into his bedroom and luckily he didn’t have anyone already in bed with him. But soon he would, heehee. I crawl in bed with this guy. He’s lying on his side, away from me. Right after I lay down, he reached back, touched me, like he was seeing who the hell was in bed with him and then puts his hand back in front of him. I was confused at first. I expected him to grab me and ravish me. Then it hit me, “Damn I think he’s pissed!” I just broke into this dude’s house. Maybe not “broke” in, but I’m quite sure some criminal action was there. I thought I was going to get some great make up sex and my drunken ass might end up going to jail!
I mumble maybe I had better sleep on the couch and get out of bed. I stumble to the living room and collapse on his floor. Yup, lost the ability to walk so I was laying spread eagle on this man’s living room floor. I could see the couch; I just couldn’t force my body to get there. Then I hear him get out of bed. “Oh yea,” I’m thinking, “Here he’s coming to get me, I know he wants me.” He walks into the living room, stands still for a moment, and then proceeds to throw a blanket over me. He then goes back to bed. “My God “, I’m thinking, “Dude just came in and threw a blanket on me. Fuck!” I lay there for a few minutes and think about what I should do. “Fuck it. I’ve already made an ass of myself and I’m horny. I’m gonna go get me some.”
Now remember I had lost the ability to walk and I had that damn blanket covering my head. I was too fucking drunk to even think about pulling it off me. Honestly, the thought didn’t even occur to me. So off I go crawling to this man’s bedroom. I’m crawling across the floor with a blanket completely over my head, finding my way more by sense of direction than vision. BAM! I run right into his dresser. Oh ya, he knows I’m coming.
I turn toward his bed and I get to a standing position by grasping onto the bedding and slowly pulling myself up. I figure I know what to do. What guy can resist a half naked woman? So I take off my pants, I take off my bra, and I crawl in bed behind this guy. The man doesn’t touch me. I’m too drunk to feel rejected so my ass decides to pass out. About two hours later this guy shakes me awake and says he’s going to take me home because he has things to do the next day. As he’s driving I couldn’t even lift my head to look at him. Longest, most silent ride ever. I still remember the song playing on the radio, Apple Bottom Jeans.
As we pulled up to my place I mumbled thanks and jumped out of his truck. He was pulling away before I even get a chance to shut the door. I’m surprised he even stopped. Hell he could have just slowed down and told me to jump. I was drunk enough I would have probably done it. That was one of the most humiliating nights of my life. I didn’t get my drunken ass laid, but at least I didn’t get arrested. And I bet you he’s locking his doors now! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch 