As I sat in the parking lot of Home Depot wishing to god the recruiter would call soon, I started feeling the rumbling in my belly and knew that I was in trouble. See the night before I had taken a colon cleanser. My thought was I’d take it the night before and in the morning I would go to the bathroom and feel clean and toxin free (or so the bottle said). But the morning came and went and there was nothing…

In my line of work I do a lot of telephone interviews and had one scheduled for 4pm. That was later on in the day so I didn’t think much of it. As I ran around Fort Wayne (about 20 minutes from my home) I kept an eye on the time and thought about what I was going to say during my interview. About 3:30pm I thought I should go ahead and go home so I could relax during my interview. I started heading to the south side of Fort Wayne and then the first cramps started.

“Oh god!” I think to myself. That colon cleanser had finally decided to kick in. As I drove I clenched my butt cheeks and put pressure on my stomach with my left hand. Anything to relieve the cramping as I tried to maneuver through traffic and make it to the South side of Fort Wayne. I realized I wasn’t going to make it all of the way home so I pulled over into Home Depot and was just getting ready to get out of my vehicle when I noticed the time. Fuck! It was 3:45pm. There was no way I was going to make it inside, take a shit, and back out in time for my interview. Sometimes they call a few minutes early so I didn’t want to be on the toilet when she called.

It seemed as if the minutes creeped by on that fucking clock. Since it was a digital clock there weren’t any actual ticking noises but I sure heard them in my mind. Second by second, minute by minute, the cramps got worse until I became actually afraid I would shit myself while sitting in my van. About 7 after I said fuck it, maybe she wasn’t calling and I did a quick butt clenching shuffle into Home Depot. Made it to the aisle right outside the bathroom and I’ll be damned if the phone didn’t ring.

I answered with (what I hoped) was my customary upbeat greeting, “Hi, this is Erica”. The recruiter apologized for being a little late calling and asked if it was still a good time. I assured her it was, that I was just walking around the hospital and certainly had time to talk. As I said this I leaned forward against the shelf and grasped the shelf with my free hand as if that would clench off my asshole.

Now you might be asking yourself why I even answered or at the very least told her I had to reschedule. Well, this is when I was just trying to get into consulting and let me tell you, it can be a very competitive world. There have been times I’ve rescheduled only to be told at my new time that the position had already been filled. Another time I had a recruiter call out of the blue but I didn’t recognize the number so I let them leave a voice mail. Called back 5 minutes later and they had already moved on to the next candidate. So basically when a recruiter calls, I answer.

As I’m stumbling through the interview questions I’m hoping the recruiter can’t hear the desperation in my voice. And I was getting desperate. Even with my ass cheeks clenched, my legs crossed and holding onto the shelf for support I still felt like I had a groundhog peeking out. I was about ready to cry. I clenched my eyes and rested my head against the shelf, cramping, clenching, and praying to god I don’t shit myself in the aisle at Home Depot. I actually had sweat beads starting to collect at my hairline and back of my neck.  I could sense people walking past me and hear announcements over the loud speaker, but it was as if I was in a fog. This interview was lasting forever.

Finally the interview was nearing a close so I decided that as soon as I hit end my ass was going to be on the toilet. I mustered all of my willpower and shuffled my way to the bathroom and into a stall. I’m standing there in the stall thanking her and saying our goodbyes all the while I’m undoing my pants and pulling them down, preparing myself for relief. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t step too close to fucking automatic toilet and you hear “SWHOOOOOSHHHHHH”. I froze.

After my few seconds of shock and my heart pounding in my ears I stumbled out an half laugh apology. “Ha-ha Sorry about that. I must have stood too close to the toilet. I went into the bathroom because I thought it would be quieter.” Ha-ha. The recruiter simply said thank you again and hung up. I didn’t have time to worry about it I sat my ass down and had the shit of my life.

It lasted forever. The smells and sounds cleared out anyone else who was in the bathroom. I heard one little girl say, “It stinks in here!” Try being in the stall little girl, try being in the stall. Although I didn’t exactly shit myself I did have a peeker so I tossed my drawers. I felt happy, relieved, and quite freeing without underwear as I left Home Depot. I nearly skipped to my van. The recruiter had said she would send me a follow up email so I just needed to get home and reply with my resume.

Can you believe that email never came? I mean really, I about shit myself for the sake of this interview. Considering everything I didn’t think it went too bad. Of course I was concentrating more on not shitting myself in the aisle than in the questions. HAHA About a year later I did apply for another one of their jobs and almost got an interview. I say almost because as soon as they asked for my resume I never heard from them again. You know how some people get put on a blacklist? I must be on this recruiting firm’s shitlist HAHA