Considering I’m 41, have never been married and haven’t had a relationship last over 3 years it’s safe to say I’ve met a lot of different moms. And it doesn’t matter what age I am, they never seem to like me. Dads love me and think I’m funny as Hell and often give their son’s the old nudge, “good going son”. But mothers never do. The reason might be that I curse like a sailor, or often dress in tight clothes. Might even be the fact I’ve had kids out of wedlock. Who the fuck knows. I’m usually prim and proper when I meet the moms. But once in a while I don’t even have to wonder why the mom doesn’t like me. Hell, sometimes it’s like a slap in the face and I actually agree with them.

A few years back I was dating a guy I was really into. I hadn’t met any of his family yet but he was having a bonfire at his parent’s house so I was going to get my chance. Several of us were out in the woods partying around the fire. I had finally drunk just enough liquid courage that a few of us girls rode the golf cart up front to the house where his parents were.

It was a chilly fall night so his mom and a few others were in the garage drinking, talking, and just having fun. Us girls went into the garage and left the big garage door open about 2 ½ feet. Not quite closed all of the way. With so many of us in the garage it was getting hot and if I remember correctly a few people were smoking.

Anyway, I find this guy’s mom and introduce myself. I was pretty proud that I had the courage to do it. Of course remember what I said earlier about liquid courage? Liquid courage my ass. I was fucked up. I start rambling on and on to this poor woman about how the mothers of the guys I date never like me. They think I’m a whore, dress like a slut, I cuss, on and on I went. She kept trying to interrupt me and tell me that she didn’t think I was that bad. But it was as if I had made it my mission to convince her otherwise, so I kept talking.

This woman was looking at me like I was nuts. And you know how it is once you know you fucked up and you try to back pedal but only seem to make things worse? Yup. That was me. My friends were even telling me to shut up. That is when they weren’t openly laughing at me. I kept glancing over at the garage door wishing like Hell it was open so I could just run out. Door, mom, door, mom. I could feel the panic start to rise.

As I was rambling I turned and lost my balance. So to make matters worse I was now falling down drunk in front of this woman I had just met. At this point I lost all dignity and realized there was no going back. Retreat was my only answer. I was already on the ground, had already humiliated myself and knew I had fucked up big time with his mom. I thought “fuck it”, and crawled across the garage floor and underneath the partially opened garage door. Now had I been sober I would have realized there was an actual door right next to the partially open garage door. But by this point I wasn’t thinking straight. So yes, this woman had to watch as I crawled along her garage floor and shimmied underneath like some damn rat.

I started walking back to the bonfire and my friends pulled up behind me in the golf cart. Of course they were laughing their asses off asking me what the fuck I was thinking. But that’s the thing! I wasn’t thinking! If either one of my sons had a girlfriend who did some shit like that I’d probably kick her ass as she was crawling across the floor and tell the whore not to come back.

A short golf cart ride and we were back at the bonfire. By this time I was trying to play it cool, like I didn’t do anything that bad. I went up to the guy I was dating and told him I got the courage to go up to the house and meet his mom. He asked me how it went and I just responded, “I don’t think she liked me.” He assured me that she was just hard to get to know and she probably liked me just fine. That fucker had no clue. Until the next day of course. I’m sure his mother gave him an earful then. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last very long. Now I try to avoid mothers like the plague. Of course they probably think I’m a snob and that’s just another reason not to like me. But it does keep me from crawling around on garage floors. Well, at least when I’m meeting someone’s mom. HAHA