Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Month: December 2014

Don’t Judge, It Was Cookie Cottage — December 21, 2014

Don’t Judge, It Was Cookie Cottage

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Anyone who knows me knows I have food issues. I wish I was joking but I seriously think I need therapy. There’s been many times that I threw something away at home only to grab it from the top of the trash later. Such as a half-eaten candy bar, stale chips, etc. There was even one time that Conrad was eating an ice cream cone, the kind with the chocolate in the bottom. He hadn’t eaten all of it and said he was done and tossed it in the trash. Well I snatched that sucker up and bit the bottom off. Hell there was a night I was at dinner with some friends and not only did I finish my margarita, my friend’s margarita’s, but the one girl had brought someone I didn’t even know and I’ll be damned if I didn’t finish theirs also! Ok, that might be more of a drinking problem than a food problem.

 Several years ago I worked for this company that would once in a while bring us in treats. Sometimes it would be lunch, maybe popcorn, all kinds of goodies. Well one day they gave us Cookie Cottage cookies. I love these cookies soooo much that I don’t even share them with my children. We were each given two cookies and I scarfed mine in a heartbeat. Later that day I went to the restroom, did my business and washed my hands. When I walked over to the paper towel dispenser I noticed right on top of the trash there was a cookie. Not just any cookie…a Cookie Cottage cookie! It still had the wax paper around it. So I looked around and there wasn’t anyone else in there with me. My mind kept telling me not to do it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I slowly reached into the trash, hating myself the whole time, and picked up the cookie.

 Still looking around to make sure no one came in, I removed the wax paper, my mouth was already watering. Well just my luck the damn thing was a plain sugar cookie and it had a big bite taken out of it. So I tossed it back into the trash and turned around only to find myself looking right into the mirror. And that’s when the horror of what I had just done came rushing in. “My God, did I really just take a cookie from the trash at work? In the bathroom!?!?!?!” I said out loud. Humiliated I ran back to my desk hoping no one at work realized what I had almost done. Thankfully it wasn’t a chocolate chip cookie, because honestly, I would have eaten the damn thing. HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

A Side of Puke With Those Pants Please — December 20, 2014

A Side of Puke With Those Pants Please

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I don’t know about any of you but when I have an important interview nothing makes me feel more confident than a new outfit. Since I’m cheap as Hell I tend to shop clearance and discount stores. A few years ago I had an interview coming up and I decided to go to Fort Wayne and check out the used clothing stores. Usually I don’t try clothes on in the store but I wanted to get a couple of pantsuits and I needed to make sure they fit right.

After trying on a few things I couldn’t find a pantsuit I really liked.  I noticed a rack outside of the dressing room with stuff that people had tried on and decided to look at it.  On it I saw a black pantsuit with pants, skirt and jacket in just my size. Cool I thought, but I should try it on. So I try the skirt and jacket on and thought well “I’m not sure maybe I should try the pants too”. So I put my left leg in the pants, and start to put my right leg in. I don’t know what possessed me to look down. But right in the crotch area of the pants was this white stuff. I’m thinking, “What the Hell is that?” I have pretty bad eyesight so I take the pants off and bring the pants up closer to take a better look. Then it hit me “FUCKING DISCHARGE” gagging. Nasty, white, crusty pussy discharge from some sick bitch was almost touching me.

I dropped the pants, didn’t even hang them up. I left those nasty fuckers on the dressing room floor. Then I threw on my own pants and ran out of there. I kept thinking about what nasty fucking bitch might have worn them. Either the sick bitch that donated them wore them with no panties and dropped them off or some sick twisted freak tried them on with no panties. Both are just as bad in my mind.

Either way I was totally grossed out the entire day and it made me want to puke. It also made me wonder about the other clothes I tried on, that just started me retching again.  God, why didn’t I check those pants also! To be honest I haven’t bought anything from that particular used store since then. I’m still cheap (and poor) so I do buy used, but now no matter where I shop I check the clothes over before I put them on.

I Think I Drank Too Much — December 19, 2014

I Think I Drank Too Much

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There was one weekend that I had a date set up for a Saturday night. Well the Friday before I decide to go out with some friends. We started slamming drinks right away. I drank 3 liquid cocaine shots, 3 B52 chaser shots, then sipped a mixed drink. All of this in an hour. We had drinks lined up on the bar. Before I knew it the girl I was there with was puking in the bathroom. As I’m thinking that’s funny as Hell I notice some asshole I used to date. I’m not going to get into why he’s an asshole right now but I do want to say I went up to him to speak my mind. In my drunken state I proceed to tell him, “You should thank God I even gave you the time of day!” At which point I fell straight back onto the bar floor. Not crumpled or tripped, but fell like a damn tree. This guy just looks at me and walks away. Not my finest moment.

Luckily someone takes pity on my sorry ass and takes me to the bathroom. If you’ve never noticed the toilet bowel at a bar be glad, very glad. My face was inches away from urine splashes and pubic hair. Hell in this town I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t crabs also. Well it takes two women to keep me from drowning in the toilet. One holding my head up and one holding my body. By this time I had lost the ability to move. I could hear what people were saying but I couldn’t talk, move, blink, I’m lucky I could breath. The guy I was supposed to go out with the next night happened to be there. So one of the girls who were holding my head out of the toilet goes and gets him.

Now remember this guy and I had yet to even had our first date. I still cannot move a muscle although I could hear clearly. So anyway this guy grabs me under my arms while another guy grabs my legs. My shirt is riding up, everyone can see my bra, and my shoe fell off. And they carry me out the back door of the bar. It’s winter time, snow on the ground, cold as Hell. The guy carrying my legs said “Are you sure she’s alive? I don’t want to get in trouble for disposing of a body.” So my future date guy decides to lay me down in the snow, no coat, shirt up to my neck, only one shoe and starts to throw snow on me. I still couldn’t move. In my mind I’m thinking it’s cold as fuck but I was so drunk I couldn’t open my yes. Once they determined I was alive they picked me back up and threw me in this guy’s car and he takes me home.

I wish I could say he swept me in his big 6’2″ strong arms and carried me inside. Instead he drug me across the ground and snow all the way into the apartment building and directly into my bathroom (the next day he told me I was too heavy). The girlfriend who was with me covered me up and proceeded to take the obligatory drunk pics. My date guy left and I hugged the damn toilet all night. Puked my guts up, shit my pants, and ended up laying half in the bathroom and in the hallway. My older son had a friend who spent the night and when his mom came to get him the next night I was a pretty sight.

From my front door you could see right down the hallway and there I lay half in and half out of the bathroom. Her son had to actually step over my body to leave. I felt like I was dying. But you know, I still made it out on my date that night. Of course I found out later that after this guy had dropped me off (literally) he then went and spent the night with some other woman. I actually dated him for a year. Don’t judge, there’s not a lot of choices in this town, he had a job and teeth and my ass is heavy HAHAHAHAHA

SIDE EFFECTS—Alli Alli OOPS — December 18, 2014

SIDE EFFECTS—Alli Alli OOPS

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After I had my first son I had some nice curves and my boobs were still a bit perky. If anything, having him enhanced my body. My second son fucked my shit up. Not only did I gain the normal (for me anyway) 30 pounds of pregnancy weight but I gained about 20 more AFTER I had him. Since my ass is too lazy to diet or exercise I’m always looking for a quick fix pill.

Of course I’m ashamed to say I tried the whole laxative thing. That just gave me sever cramps. There was a prescription that my doctor was willing to give me but he would only give me 30 days at a time. Like I said, I’m lazy and I didn’t want to make an appointment every month. So after looking at the shelf at Walmart I found the diet pill Alli. All medicines have side effects, some more common than others. I didn’t take the time to read all of it. It’s all the same really. Or is it? My ass should have read the box. No seriously, my ass should have.

Day one on the pills I didn’t have any issues and felt pretty good. Great! So I kept taking them. Day two I was sitting on the recliner in front of my computer desk just typing away on the internet. I had just finished eating my McD’s and simply adjusted myself in my chair. All of a sudden it felt like I pissed myself. Not shit myself, pissed myself because I was suddenly all wet. I’m thinking, “What the fuck!” and looked between my legs. The whole seat of my sweats and the chair was wet!

I tried like vain to keep my ass cheeks together as I tiptoed to the bathroom. Every step I took resulted in shit or piss running down my leg, Hell I didn’t know which. When I sat down on the toilet I noticed there wasn’t any crap in my pants, just some weird thick fluid. So I looked between my legs. Yes I know that’s disgusting but I thought I was dying and wanted to see what was going on. There was this orange oil pouring from my ass. Not shit, but oil, fucking orange oil. I’ll never forget seeing this bright orange fluid. Think of Dayquil people. It looked like Dayquil coming outta my ass. What the fuck!?

Once I quit freaking out I had to throw away my underwear and sweatpants. Clean my oily ass and the toilet, because that oil was stuck to the sides. And then clean my recliner (which left a stain by the way). I went to actually read the side effects completely for Alli. It seems that what this med does is prevent your body from processing fat. So when you eat fatty foods this fat will either cause gastrointestinal issues, more frequent stools, or an oily anal leakage. Well no shit.

I wasn’t about to change my diet, I really like bad food. So I quit taking the pills. But now I’m stuck with these love handles and Buddha belly. I mean I don’t look too bad. Of course, that’s with my clothes on. I’m still searching for that magic pill. Maybe I’m just stuck with my fat ass. Then again I did see a Groupon for something called Lipo Lite. Hmmmm, wonder what that is.

AS SEEN ON TV—My Tit Hurts — December 17, 2014

AS SEEN ON TV—My Tit Hurts

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Back when I was 18 I drove over to Van Wert and paid 55 bucks to get a heart and rose tattoo on my right breast. Over the years it became more of an inkblot test than a heart. I’m serious! The blue, purple and green just blended together. Anytime I wore a shirt that had a little cleavage you could see it. I would have people ask me “Oh you have a tattoo! Um what is it?” So after about 15 years of this I decided to get it removed.

Laser removal is just so expensive. And I didn’t just want to cover it up, I wanted it gone. Since I’m such a cheap ass I decided to see what else I could find. So I did some research on the internet and tried to see what they had. I knew there were all kinds of “As Seen On Tv” types of products, they are everywhere now. I finally found this product that you are to rub on the tattoo and after so many applications the tattoo would be removed. It cost about $40 so that was right up my alley. I paid my money and waited for the bottle to arrive.

After about a week I received a couple of little brown bottles with some instructions. There was this one bottle that I was to brush on the tattoo and then another bottle I was to mix with baking soda and then put that on after about a minute. Anyone that knows me knows I don’t cook so the chances of me having baking soda were slim. I looked in the cupboard and of course I didn’t have any, but I did have corn starch. Has to be the same stuff, right?

So I put the first liquid on. After a minute or two I put my corn starch mixture on. After about another minute I felt like my tit was on fire!!!! I can’t even explain the pain I felt. Even after rinsing the shit off it wouldn’t stop burning. My breast was completely red and the tattoo area was hideous looking. For about a week I tried treating the damn thing with Neosporin, covered it, left it uncovered, anything I could think of. But nothing worked.

My breast kept getting worse and worse. It was swollen and so sore I couldn’t sleep. The area where I had put this shit was all red, pussy and tender to the touch. Even a bra and shirt hurt. One night at the bar I showed it to a couple of my friends and they remarked how painful it looked. After being in pain for about a week I couldn’t take it anymore.

I made an appointment at my doctor’s office as soon as I could. As you know when you make an appointment you have to explain to the nurse that comes in first, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.” She took one look at it was you could see the look on her face thinking, “DAMN what the Hell did she do!” She leaves and a few minutes later in comes the doctor. Again I had to explain what happened, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.”

Since my thought was I was having an allergic reaction I brought the bottles in with me. So I handed them to Dr. Johnson to take a look at. He took one look at those bottles, laughed, shook his head and said, “You can buy this at any pool supply store.” Turns out I was putting pool chemicals on my tit and was now suffering from a 2nd degree burn. He then proceeded to educate me about buying shit from the internet and if I really wanted the tattoo gone I should get it lasered off. Or I could do what they did in the Navy, rubbed sandpaper or salt until the tattoo was a bloody mess. Let it heal then do it again. Told him I thought I’d pass on that.

Leaving that office as the nurses snickered when I passed the front desk was worse than I could imagine a walk of shame would be. HIPAA my ass. Of course I can’t blame them. If some chick came in with her tit looking like it was caught on fire I’d share too. So yes, lessoned learned. Then again, I do have some skin tags I want to remove and the dermatologist is quite expensive…

I Think I Need A Mattress, Size Large — December 16, 2014

I Think I Need A Mattress, Size Large

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Now as every woman knows from a very young age we need to be prepared for “aunt flow”, “our monthly gift”, or just plain ol’ our period. I can remember sitting in Spanish class, had my legs all jacked up on my desk, all spread, bent over to pick something up and there’s this huge red spot on my crotch. Of course during these moments I never seemed to have a tampon or a pad. In a pinch you can roll toilet paper up like a makeshift pad until you can run and get a tampon or real pad. I think every girl/woman has run into this situation at least once. At least I know I’ve been in the bathroom minding my own business and I’ve heard someone yelling, “Anyone have a tampon!” Even my sister told me about a girl she went to school with who was wearing white pants when nature struck. So see it does happen, and I’m sure many of you ladies have similar stories.

Yes my dear friends, years and years of this lovely thing called womanhood had taught us to always be prepared. NOT. One summer the kids and I were on our way home from Kings Island and Conrad had had to go potty. So we pull over to a gas station and me and Conrad go inside. Since he was pretty little we go into the ladies together. It was one of those one toilet deals so Conrad tinkles then I go to sit down. Well lo and behold I was a bloody mess, right through my jean shorts too! I was thinking what the Hell, looked in my purse, no tampons. No machine in the bathroom. So there I was 35 years old rolling a wad of toilet paper up and putting it in my underwear like a makeshift pad (not the most comfortable feeling and it sticks to you). I’m sitting there wondering how the heck I was going to walk through the gas station without getting noticed. Suddenly I get startled by this person trying the damn doorknob and knocking. “Occupied!” I yell, knowing I can’t stay in there forever.

After taking a whores bath with paper towels and hand soap I start checking myself in the mirror. I wanted to check how noticeable the big bloody spot was between my legs. I look at the front, the back, not too bad. As long as I don’t bleed any more that is. Of course Conrad thinks I’m a loon and wondering why the Hell I put toilet paper in my underwear. “Don’t worry about it honey it’s a mommy thing.” So I waddle out to the store hoping I don’t have a bloody wad of toilet paper suddenly fall out of my jean shorts onto the floor. I buy what I need and Conrad and I go back into the bathroom. I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and I’m wondering if I should have went with an industrial grade pad instead of a tampon but I wasn’t about to go back out there and buy pads. The cashier would have to start wondering what the fuck I was doing. So I plug that shit up and I rush outside. We jump back in the vehicle and I hope to God I don’t bleed through on the rest of the ride home. Ya, no such luck. By the time I got home and into the bathroom I was a bloody mess. My panties were a loss, my jean shorts were a loss. I was beginning to wonder if I should go check the seat of the car.

So I’ve learned dear friends, no matter if my period is coming or not I’m gonna carry a tampon. It’s always good to be prepared, and who the hell knows some day there might be someone in the stall next to me that realizes they are in desperate need of a plug. Next time my ass, or crotch I should say, will be prepared. If not, well, I guess I can always make a toilet paper ball the size of my fist and hope for the best. HAHA

Bah Bah Black Sheep — December 15, 2014

Bah Bah Black Sheep

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Anyone that knows me knows I run my mouth a mile a minute. Doesn’t even have to be when I’m drinking, I simply don’t have a filter. Well years ago I went out to Vinnie’s bar with Kris and we run into these two young guys. Nice guys, we had met the one before. So the new guy is talking to me and is obviously drunk as Hell. After chatting me up for awhile he asks, “What are you doing November? Do you want to go to an Amish party?” I only had a couple of drinks but it doesn’t take much for me to put my foot in my mouth. So I reply, “Why the fuck would I want to go to an Amish party? So I can drink beer and fuck a sheep?” As I laugh at my hilarious joke this guy replies, “What if I told you there was an Amish in here right now?” So my ignorant ass still isn’t getting it and I’m turning in a 360 and saying loudly, “There’s no fucking Amish in here! They wouldn’t be here, there’s no sheep!” It was at this point I noticed my friend Kris and this guy’s friend frantically waving their arms, covering their mouths, doing a cutting motion across their throats.

Of course I’m all confused, “What the fuck you doing?” I holler. Turns out this guy is fucking Amish, well was raised Amish but was in the process of leaving the order and because of that he was wearing regular cloths. So then I’m trying to do some major backtracking. “Uh, yeah I went to AC we were known as Amish college”, “I love the Amish, I had Amish friends”, “I’d really like an Amish to clean my house, they are so reliable”. I was rambling trying to think of anything to smooth this humiliating situation over.

Luckily this guy was so drunk he couldn’t even stand. So as we drank I was extra nice. That was till the end of the night when we were all smashed and he passed out at the bar. The poor guy was sitting on a bar stool with his head laying on the bar and I got the bright idea to start making sheep noises in his ear. “BAHHHH BAHHHH BAHHHH” Now before you go thinking I’m a horrible person, three more people joined me. Hee hee, we were all making sheep noises just to see if he would wake up to see what his girlfriend wanted HAHAHAHA. When he finally woke up Kris kept calling him sheep boy and told him it was time to go out to pasture. Ah, good times.

My Affair With Jerry Springer — December 14, 2014

My Affair With Jerry Springer

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Many years ago I had a crush, okay obsession, on the one and only Jerry Springer. Now don’t ask me why, who the Hell knows. I drank a lot back then HAHA. Every chance I got I would watch his show. The chant of “JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!” often filled my house. I’m sure I have friends who still remember this. I remember one night I was watching and a young Zachary piped up “are you sssuuurrreee Jerry Springer isn’t my father?” He’s funny, well… Anyway a few friends and I decided we were going to go to a taping of a show.

I ordered the tickets and was so excited when they came in the mail. My friend Zoranna and I were going to drive to Chicago where we’d meet a couple of other friends. Then the four of us were going to see Jerry. We left Fort Wayne in plenty of time and we were singing and laughing and having a Hell of a time. We drove for almost two hours. I didn’t realize I was going in the wrong direction till we saw a damn sign for Ohio. Yes my friends that’s right, my sorry ass took 30 till I hit Ohio. By then we realized we had to be in Chicago in an hour and a half or I’d miss Jerry. So I floored that car all across the upper part of the state. I don’t know how in the Hell I didn’t get pulled over or in a wreck but by golly we made it.

Zoranna and I rushed to the building where the studio was and couldn’t figure out how to get into the building from the parking garage. Well this guy came out a back door and was standing there smoking a cigarette. So I walked over and starting asking him how we get in when I saw it… “OH MY GOD ZORANNA HE”S WITH JERRY SPRINGER” This guy was a young hottie and it didn’t hurt I was pretty cute too 15 years ago (I had red hair, a half shirt, and a bright red pleather coat haha). So this guy takes us in the back way and we get in the line to get into the show. Our friends meet up with us and I start getting excited as Hell. After waiting about an hour our turn came. And the fucking woman told us that they were full!!!! “BUT WE HAVE TICKETS!!!” I sobbed. She said they send out more tickets than seats because not everyone shows up. I was about ready to cry then I saw the guy who let us in!!! I ran over to him and told him what happened. Of course I was near tears and holding onto his shirt as if it were a desperate situation. He asked me to wait and he would go see what was up. He comes back after a few minutes and asked if we could come back for the next show in about two hours. Hell yes we could!

When we came back the hot young guy (had I been smarter I would have been all over him) came and got us and took us in the studio. We were placed in the front row right in the center. I can’t even tell you how it felt. I was beyond excited. My friends thought I was going to hyperventilate. Jerry Springer came out and started shaking our hands. I grabbed his hand with both of mine and practically pulled his arm off. Zoranna said she was afraid I wasn’t going to let him go HAHA.

After the show it came time for pictures. My God it couldn’t get more exciting. But anyone that had a camera and wanted to get their picture with Jerry Springer could. So I stood in line and waited my turn. When I got up there I just told him how much I loved him and how excited I was. He took my face in his hands, told me I was so sweet, and kissed me right smack on the lips. I thought I was going to die! Then we wrapped our arms around each other like a pair of old lovers and I got my picture. Notice in the pic above you can’t see his hands (hee hee).

Of course this was many years ago. And eventually my crush on Jerry Springer went away. I haven’t watched a show in years. But sometimes late at night as I’m switching channels, I’ll pause when I hear “JERRY JERRY JERRY” and wonder if he remember me and our one second affair. HAHAHAHAHA

Jerry Springer

I USED TO DATE LIL WAYNE — December 13, 2014

I USED TO DATE LIL WAYNE

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I don’t know if any of you keep up with the celebrities like my sorry butt does but years ago there was this rapper called Lil Wayne that was going to prison for gun charges. Well when he was sentenced the judge ordered him to take out his grill before the deputy took him away. For those of you who don’t know what a grill is, that’s all that gold and diamonds those stupid ass rap guys wear in their mouth. It’s like a gold mouthpiece. Anyway when the dude takes it out his real teeth are falling out rotten. I’m not shitting you! Evidently the guy doesn’t realize you can take the damn thing out and fricken brush. So the judge ordered him to get his mouth fixed before he goes away. I can only assume this is because you can actually die from an infection that starts in your mouth. Well Lil Wayne ended up getting eight root canals at one sitting! EIGHT and they aren’t even done with the work yet. That’s how rotten his mouth was. Can you imagine how rotten his mouth smelled? Ya well I don’t have to guess.

Now I’ll admit, back when I was really little like 8, I didn’t feel like brushing my damn teeth. But as I got older it became the first thing I did as I woke up. Hell I’ll brush 4-5 times a day just depends if I think my mouth taste like shit or not. Now I’m not as extreme as my sister though. There was one night she woke up to see her neighbor’s house on fire. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, then ran and woke them up so they could escape the fire. (Yes I know crazy runs in my family). I’ve also dated a guy or two or three who just couldn’t get it through their damn heads to fricken brush. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to tell a grown man to brush his damn teeth before you’re willing to have sex because lord knows you don’t want that mouth close to your nose?

Anyway years ago I got talked into a damn relationship with a dude who must not have known what a toothbrush was. He used to come into my work and one of the girls I worked with would always try to get me to ask him out. All I could say was “Have you looked at his fucking mouth? Come on now that’s some nasty shit.” We’re talking not one, not two but a mouth full of rotten teeth. Green, black, and I’m not joking here, slimy looking. It was like his front teeth had big holes in the middle where the tooth enamel was missing. So then this chick makes me feel bad, “He could be a really nice guy and maybe he has something wrong that causes that.” Okay she wore me down, and lets face it it’s not like I have men beating down my door. So I asked the guy out. Yes you read that correctly. I asked him out.

As long as he kept his mouth shut we got along fine. So with me being so understanding and caring I kept dating him. Okay fine, it’s more like lonely and desperate. I dated this guy for a year; Hell lived with him for most of it. I could not stand the thought of kissing this man though. Oh God, once he tried to French kiss me and I literally thought I was going to puke. And the stench when he would put his face close to mine was unbearable.

Needless to say I found out his mouth wasn’t rotten because of some health issue, nope, he just didn’t brush. Yup, that’s what he told me. That is once I finally got up the courage to ask him why in the Hell his mouth was so fucked up. Why it wasn’t sure health issue out injury. He plain and simple didn’t give a fuck. And yet, my sorry ass stayed.

Well one day he came home and said he had gone to the dentist and he was going to get his teeth fixed. Can you believe how exciting that was? It took weeks for the dentist to finish the root canals, the caps, the fillings, and the teeth pulling. I’m serious, took weeks. But finally at the end of it all the guy had a really great set of teeth and a nice smile. Then within a week of the finished product the asshole left me for some chick he worked with. Explains why he got his teeth fixed after I dated him for a year. To this day I can’t passionately kiss a man without giving a quick glance at his teeth, and if I have my suspicions, my ass will ask if he brushed. Might be another reason I rarely get a second date. Wish I could say this was my first and only time experiencing something like this. Yup, I wish…

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING — December 12, 2014

TIME FOR YOUR THUMPING

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I used to date this guy who found it hilarious as Hell to chase me, throw me down, pin my shoulders with his knees and thump me in the face with his dick. I’m not shitting you. The whole time he’d say “Time for your thumping!” He wasn’t being sexual about it because he would let me go after thumping me. Guess he liked the chase. I knew when it was coming too because he would get this look in his eye. He’d smack me in the face with his dick and then laugh his ass off and let me up, what a weirdo. It was especially embarrassing when his mother was home and he’d throw me down in the living room. I wish I was able to say we were  young and he was just immature. Then I would feel better. Unfortunately, we weren’t young. Immature yes, at least him. I think he had mental problems haha.

Years later a couple of girlfriends and I went to After Dark (it’s a gay bar). We went on a night they had male strippers. Come on I’m not stupid I know the guys were probably gay. Do you think I cared? Oh Hell no, a half naked man is a half naked man HAHA There was this on hottie wearing nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. And yes, only a towel. We knew this because my one friend was curious and stuck her hand right up under his towel and grabbed his balls. Nice, my friends are such ladies HAHA Anyway this guy is dancing in front of us and all of a sudden jumps up on the bench I’m sitting on. I’m sitting there with a shocked look on my face, wondering what the Hell he was doing. Then he whips out his dick and starts smacking me in the face with it! WHAT THE FUCK! My friends were laughing their asses off. He didn’t do it to nobody else, just me. Damn, I must have “Dick Slap Here” written across my forhead. Oh who am I kidding, if that were true I’d have more dates HAHAHAHAHA