Back when I was 18 I drove over to Van Wert and paid 55 bucks to get a heart and rose tattoo on my right breast. Over the years it became more of an inkblot test than a heart. I’m serious! The blue, purple and green just blended together. Anytime I wore a shirt that had a little cleavage you could see it. I would have people ask me “Oh you have a tattoo! Um what is it?” So after about 15 years of this I decided to get it removed.

Laser removal is just so expensive. And I didn’t just want to cover it up, I wanted it gone. Since I’m such a cheap ass I decided to see what else I could find. So I did some research on the internet and tried to see what they had. I knew there were all kinds of “As Seen On Tv” types of products, they are everywhere now. I finally found this product that you are to rub on the tattoo and after so many applications the tattoo would be removed. It cost about $40 so that was right up my alley. I paid my money and waited for the bottle to arrive.

After about a week I received a couple of little brown bottles with some instructions. There was this one bottle that I was to brush on the tattoo and then another bottle I was to mix with baking soda and then put that on after about a minute. Anyone that knows me knows I don’t cook so the chances of me having baking soda were slim. I looked in the cupboard and of course I didn’t have any, but I did have corn starch. Has to be the same stuff, right?

So I put the first liquid on. After a minute or two I put my corn starch mixture on. After about another minute I felt like my tit was on fire!!!! I can’t even explain the pain I felt. Even after rinsing the shit off it wouldn’t stop burning. My breast was completely red and the tattoo area was hideous looking. For about a week I tried treating the damn thing with Neosporin, covered it, left it uncovered, anything I could think of. But nothing worked.

My breast kept getting worse and worse. It was swollen and so sore I couldn’t sleep. The area where I had put this shit was all red, pussy and tender to the touch. Even a bra and shirt hurt. One night at the bar I showed it to a couple of my friends and they remarked how painful it looked. After being in pain for about a week I couldn’t take it anymore.

I made an appointment at my doctor’s office as soon as I could. As you know when you make an appointment you have to explain to the nurse that comes in first, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.” She took one look at it was you could see the look on her face thinking, “DAMN what the Hell did she do!” She leaves and a few minutes later in comes the doctor. Again I had to explain what happened, “Um ya, I bought some stuff off the internet to take my tattoo off and I think I might be having a reaction to it because it hurts really bad.”

Since my thought was I was having an allergic reaction I brought the bottles in with me. So I handed them to Dr. Johnson to take a look at. He took one look at those bottles, laughed, shook his head and said, “You can buy this at any pool supply store.” Turns out I was putting pool chemicals on my tit and was now suffering from a 2nd degree burn. He then proceeded to educate me about buying shit from the internet and if I really wanted the tattoo gone I should get it lasered off. Or I could do what they did in the Navy, rubbed sandpaper or salt until the tattoo was a bloody mess. Let it heal then do it again. Told him I thought I’d pass on that.

Leaving that office as the nurses snickered when I passed the front desk was worse than I could imagine a walk of shame would be. HIPAA my ass. Of course I can’t blame them. If some chick came in with her tit looking like it was caught on fire I’d share too. So yes, lessoned learned. Then again, I do have some skin tags I want to remove and the dermatologist is quite expensive…