Incoherent Ramblings of a Crazy Bitch

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Month: December 2014

I WISH I WAS A BONOBO — December 31, 2014

I WISH I WAS A BONOBO

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Back in college I was taking a Bio anthropology class and it was CRAZY. My professor was pretty wild to start with. Well one day during class he was talking about these bonobo monkeys. They’re like a small version of a chimp. These monkeys are THE most sexual primates on the planet!!!! I’m not shittin ya. They have sex ALL THE TIME. And not just sex but oral sex, gay sex, sex in different positions. They are the only monkeys that have sex in the missionary position. These damn things are so horny that’s all they do. If two groups of monkeys come upon each other they’ll start hollering at each other, then they’ll just have a group orgy.

Now I bet you’re asking, yea right how do I know? The professor could just be saying it to mess with us. Well my dear friends, my professor saw fit to provide us with pictures. So yes I have visuals in my mind of monkey’s fucking and having oral sex. Hell there was one that was in color, a female monkey laying on her back and masturbating. Now that’s some shit to remember forever. And I’m telling you I WILL remember it forever; guess I did learn something in college. Felt like I was looking at a monkey porno mag.

And here’s another tidbit of info that isn’t particular to bonobo’s but to primates period. In some groups of monkeys there is the dominant male who gets to mate with the females. Well on the outskirts will be the nondominant males that the larger male will keep away. Sometimes there are horny little female monkeys who aren’t getting enough action (huh they are like us) from the dominant male so her slutty ass will sneak off to the outskirts and bend over for these nondominant males. And get this, the actual scientific term in the journals “sneaky fuckers”. Yes these females and males on the outskirts are sneaky fuckers. And alas, we had visuals for that too. We had still life showing the female sneaking off, her and the male looking around and then of them fucking.

I’ve earned two college degrees, excelled in classes such as microeconomics, macroeconomics, statistical theory and calculus. Yet the main thing I remember is the about the sneaky fuckers. Well that, and my Geology professor was a transsexual. Ah the things I learned in college. Wonder if this’ll help me land a job?

You’re Jealous Cuz I’m Hot! — December 30, 2014

You’re Jealous Cuz I’m Hot!

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There was this one guy I dated who always felt the need to point out every woman he wanted to fuck, tried to fuck, or had fucked. I couldn’t hang out with him and his friends because I knew in detail how many of his friend’s girlfriends or wives he would like to fuck. Hell even my friends. He went down a list saying who he’d fuck and who’d he just let give him a blow job. Trust me I wasn’t asking.

I remember one night we went to Fort Wayne for dinner and as we were leaving the hostess said goodbye and smiled. So this guy turns to me and says “She has a nice smile. Her mouth would look really good around my cock.” What an asshole! Then there was another time. We were at Decatur Gardens one morning. And this guy pointed out one of the waitresses and says “I know her. I didn’t fuck her but she sucked my dick one night.” This chick then comes over to take our order. So there I am wondering when the Hell my boyfriends cock was in this chick’s mouth as I’m trying to order, “Um ya, I’d like a pecan waffle, bacon….”

I couldn’t even watch TV with this guy because he’d point out all those chicks he’d like to fuck too. I’m sure you’re asking, “Well why didn’t you just say something?” I DID! I told him how disrespectful it was, rude, and just plain made him an ass. His response? “YOU’RE JEALOUS! You’re just jealous cuz I’m so hot!” Well he must have had a funhouse mirror in his damn bathroom because dude was so not hot. Wasn’t ugly, but definitely not what makes panties wet.

Needless to say that relationship didn’t last very long. I can’t stand a needy man and jealousy just isn’t my thing. Well, not any more. I guess getting locked up DOES detour crime. HAHAHAHA

MMMMM Tasty — December 29, 2014

MMMMM Tasty

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When I was about 9/10 years old I was visiting my mom up in Fort Wayne. My mom didn’t cook very many types of things but there were a few she could do well. Whenever she made mashed potatoes she didn’t use that instant crap, she made real mashed potatoes. Whipped them up with milk and butter, a little salt and pepper, so good. Well I love mashed potatoes and I remember one day in particular she made them for dinner.

As my mother and my sister were in the kitchen making the potatoes I was sitting at the table in the dining room.  After a bit they were done and my mom sits a big bowl down in front of me and walks back into the kitchen. Well I see her and my sister peeking around the corner and giggling and laughing, just watching me. Hmmm, right away I’m suspicious. I look at the bowl and notice there’s black flecks all mixed in the mashed potatoes. So I ask “What’s the black stuff?” My mom tells me “It’s pepper, just eat it”. Again I just sit there and watch them as they keep glancing at me then each other with smirks on their faces. I’m not stupid so I know something is up.

Now I’m really starting look close at the bowl. Finally I figured it out. I can see chunks of black, brown, legs, antennae “OH MY GOD THERE’S COCKROACHES IN HERE!!!” My mom and sister bust out laughing and tell me that when my mom turned on the mixer to mix the potatoes cockroaches fell out and were chopped up in the potatoes. They thought it would be funny to watch me eat it. And oh yes, my mother would have let me eat them. Wouldn’t doubt if she had before. At least I wasn’t my little brother; she let him eat worse…

Wink Wink — December 28, 2014

Wink Wink

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In the online dating world the very first thing that catches anyone’s attention is your profile picture. I’ve talked to some people who say the pictures of those they went out with were NOTHING like how they looked in person. The pictures were from high school or pictures of when they weighed 200 pounds less. Hell even pictures straight up of other people. Well let me tell you about a few profiles I have seen.

There was one where the picture was a guy’s kids. Now I’m sure he loves his children, but seriously and I suppose to say “Oh what cute kids we should go out?” How about the guys who show pictures of vehicles or motorcycles? “Wow a Harley, that must mean he’s a really nice guy!” And the one with big houses make me want to write back and say, “Did you take a picture of your neighbor’s house or what?” The guys who are flexing their muscles in the mirror make me want to laugh out loud. Actually I shouldn’t say they make me want to, they do HAHAHA And the guys sitting there shirtless, slouched, not smiling, wow, how hot. Some of them look like damn serial killers. One especially creepy guy must have been laying in bed. It didn’t show his face. It showed his stomach with a remote control on it, the full length of his legs and the TV at the end of his bed. I couldn’t figure out what the Hell he was trying to accomplish with that picture.

Of course there are always the guys who don’t know how to cut a damn ex out of a picture. Come on man, like I want to see you with your arms around a good looking woman, smiling like a fool. Cut and paste baby cut and paste. My all-time favorite though was a guy who was sitting there all huggie kissie with this woman. Dude didn’t cut and paste. He had blacked out the woman’s eyes, and gave her a moustache and goatee. What the Hell is I supposed to say to that? “Oh how clever, haha, lets go out.” I personally thought that screamed PSYCHO. Shit he’d probably chop me up and put me in his freezer. After taking a picture first of course haha

If you actually make it past the profile picture and read the profile that’s where it starts getting really interesting. Some guys go on and on about how they’ve been hurt and cheated on. Again, that will hardly make me want you. You don’t put that shit in your profile!!!! Save that for the 3rd or 4th date. Some guys will just put it out there that they are just looking for a good time and nothing serious. Do they really have to go online for that; can’t they just go to the local bar?  This one profile I saw was so huge I couldn’t even read the damn thing, it was soooo boring. It went into great detail about his job, life, family, etc. Save that shit for the date. The best one I had to see was this divorced guy who wrote “After twenty years of marriage my friends would come to me and ask me what the meaning of a good marriage is because I know. It is …” Come on dude, YOU’RE DIVORCED. You don’t know the meaning of shit!!!! You’ve had an experience, you’ve learned from it. That doesn’t mean you know the meaning of a good marriage!

Well if you make it past the profile picture and into the profile, next comes how you contact the person you’re interested in. I get these stupid ones, sometimes they are just smiley faces, or “winks”. Okay, did you have something to say? Am I supposed to respond? Or I’ll get “hey want to chat?” “What’s up” “you’re cute”. Again, what do I respond? I personally think if a man is interested in getting to know me he could at least write a damn paragraph and maybe ask me some questions so I will feel like responding. I often get those men who tell me I’m hot or sexy. My profile pic is just my face, that’s it. I could be 500 pounds! How would I even respond? “Gee thanks stranger for telling me I’m so sexy and I get your dick hard. Let’s meet.” It finally got to the point I put right into my profile to not comment on my looks and to bother to read my profile before writing. Oh they loved that. At that point I got the shitty ones. “You’re negative” “You must be a bitch” “How can you be so pessimistic” “You’re ugly anyway” and on and on.

I got in a bad habit though. ANY guy that would write me I felt like I HAD to write back or I might hurt their feelings. So I’d just say chit chat stuff. Before I know if I’m in email Hell with some fugly fat dude trying to explain why I’m not interested. Or with my past, I’d actually go on a date or probably end up in a relationship HAHA At this point I’ve just removed my profile from all dating sights and am going to the old fashioned way. So in my case, I won’t.

EXIT ONLY!!!!! — December 27, 2014

EXIT ONLY!!!!!

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Okay, maybe it’s just me and I’m a prude. But can someone please explain to me the fascination guys have with trying to stick their dicks in my ass? Seriously, I’m not kidding. From my very first boyfriend it seems to be the goal of every guy I date. Now I know there are many men and women out there who love ass fucking. Hell when I sold sex toys I sold more than one butt plug and set of anal beads to couples. But I’m not one of them. Oh I know some of you are thinking, “Just try it you’ll love it”. Well guess what, I have, I didn’t, and I don’t. Actually it makes me kind of jealous when I hear a woman say she loves it. Hell she has more than one way to get off and poor little me is just left with the plain old normal way.

I remember this one gay friend telling me (God I love this quote), “Girl I have a clit in my ass like a chick has in her pussy and it feels sooooo good!” Now that shit REALLY makes me jealous. I was at this party one time and a bunch of us got on the subject of butt fucking. So I say to the guy I was dating, “Look if you want to stick your dick in my ass so bad then let me stick something up yours”. He decides to ask his guy friends if they’d let their women do that. It was so fucking funny to find out how many of these guys actually let women “milk their prostate”. There was this one dude 6’3” who said “It’s okay to have a chick stick her finger up your ass when she’s giving you a blowjob, feels kind of good”. It was hilarious.

Now when I was in my younger years I had a boyfriend who talked me into it. I bled, hurt like Hell, and I didn’t like it one bit. So I swore I’d never do it again. So then I date the next guy and he tries to talk me into it. He’s saying all the normal shit, “If you love me you’d try it. How do you know you don’t like it unless you try it? Blah blah blah”. Well shit I can’t tell the dude I HAVE tried it and can’t stand it. I was afraid I would look whorish. So I’d play the ass virgin and figured I’d do it, bleed and cry and he’d never want to do it again. That worked, until I dated the next guy. And then the next.  After awhile I got damn tired playing the ass virgin just to get out of it because honestly it didn’t seem to work. And it’s not like there was a ton of guys you perverts, but you get the gist. As I aged I realized I needed to just stick up for myself and say no.

So then I dated this guy who was just fascinated with trying to fuck my ass. It was all he talked about. At first I’d played coy, “No, I don’t think so.” “It will hurt” ect. Of course he used all the old coercion techniques “Oh you’ll love it” “You’ll cum so hard” “I’ve been with lots of other girls that loved it” “How do you know you don’t like it unless you try it”. Finally after months and months of being badgered I told this freak, “Look I have tried it, I don’t like it.” “It hurts, I bleed and it makes me feel degraded.” “If those other chicks loved it then go fuck them in the ass.” “Look I don’t want a dick in my ass, a finger in my ass or a tongue in my ass. As a matter of fact pretend my ass doesn’t exist.” From this entire litany the only damn thing this guy walked away with was that I’d tried it before. So for the remainder of our relationship damn dude would beg, plead, even try to guilt me into it. If I didn’t allow him to fuck my ass I must not love him. Ya, guess not. Hell if we made a bet over something that’s what he always wanted his prize to be. Too damn bad it wasn’t going to happen. I’m a grown damn woman now. So after that relationship ended I decided to weed out those ass fuckers on the first damn date.

Yes I know, who in the hell would talk about ass fucking on the first date? Well anyone that knows me knows the answer to that. I’m not shitting you. This has now become first date material for me. Right along with tell me about your family, your job, likes and dislikes. Do you like butt fucking? Now don’t ask me how in the Hell I get a conversation around to this topic, it just does. So if a guy give me any indication that he sees my butt as a challenge, a prize to be won, or says something like “Oh you’ll do it again” with a wink and a nod, I can hear a big ass buzzer in my head and the dude’s out. Of course I don’t get a lot of second dates. But that’s okay. I don’t get any more dicks in my ass either and that works for me.

Spare Some Change? — December 26, 2014

Spare Some Change?

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Back in my younger years I used to party pretty darn hard (I know I know go figure HAHA). One weekend my dad was away and a friend and I broke out his hard liquor. We were in high school so of course we thought we could drink and drink and still party all night. After I alone drank a fifth of Crown Royal and a fifth of Amaretto my friend and I decided we were going to go to a party that was in Geneva. Well we didn’t have any gas money. But I knew my dad had this big change jar in his room so I drug it into the living room to count some out.

I’m sitting on the hardwood floor in the living room, counting away. All of sudden BLUGH BLUGH BLUGH I puked right in the change. And to make it even worse I then collapsed face first into the change and puke. So there I am laying face down in my own vomit, pennies going up my nose, puke in my eyes. My friend starts laughing her ass off! Do you think the bitch would help me? Oh Hell no. She went into town and brought back her boyfriend and some other mutual “friends”. I remember lying there, not able to move, listening to these assholes laughing away at me. Then they left! Right after that I passed out right where I lay.

The next morning I wake up and had to peel myself off the floor. Dried puke and change was stuck to my face and in my hair. After catching my balance I stumble to the bathroom. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. My God I was a mess. I think I even had puke in my ears. Thankfully this was back in the day before everyone had a cell phone and pictures were everywhere on facebook. After cleaning myself up I turned my attention to the change. All fucking day I washed that damn change. Had to soak it and wash just about each coin separate just to make sure there wasn’t puke on it. I guess I could have tossed it but I wasn’t about to throw away thirty bucks! This was back when we could get gas for 75 cents a gallon.

I was clean, the change was cleaned. Then I turned my attention to the mess on the floor, thankfully it was hardwood so it wasn’t too bad. Besides most of the vomit was on me and the change. God what a night. Wonder if my dad ever figured out what happened to his alcohol HAHAHAHAHA

I Should Stab You With A Fucking Fork — December 25, 2014

I Should Stab You With A Fucking Fork

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I’m really not a Christmas person. Kind of detest it if you ask. This year I didn’t even put a tree up. Now I know what most of you are thinking, how in the world can anyone hate Christmas? Well Christmas has never been a fun filled holiday for me. It brings back nightmares of my grandma giving me training bras. HAHA. Actually looking back, I wish my Christmas’s were filled with training bras. It would be better than the shit I get now.

I had been dating this guy for quite awhile, long enough to think maybe I’d get some bling bling for Christmas, maybe lingerie, expensive perfume, something nice. At least take my kids out to pick out a gift for me. Well Christmas morning comes and my kids are opening their gifts, I give this guy his presents. I always go overboard with not only my kids, but anyone I’m dating. So I had bought this guy about 10 things, really fucking nice ones spent about $500 on him. With each gift he got as excited as a kid. Then it’s my turn.

He sits down beside me and hands me this package. One present. But I’m not greedy; it’s the thought that counts right? Well it was too big for jewelry and too heavy for lingerie. I like all sorts of things so I’m shaking it, trying to guess. What could it be? I slowly unwrap it, getting excited while I do. And open a package of fucking silverware. NO I’m not joking. This mother fucker gave me silverware for our first Christmas together. I sat there just stunned. I was so hurt and so pissed I can’t even describe it. So I ask “Why the fuck would you give me silverware?” His response “Well I can never find a fork when I’m here.” So I tell him “If you want to give someone fucking silverware you hand it to them any old day of the week and say “here baby I was thinking of you” you don’t wrap it as a Christmas gift! Especially your first Christmas together!”

So to break it down in a clearer perspective, he got very thoughtful gifts and I was given a package of twenty dollar silverware. This man made almost $20 an hour, no kids, no ex-wife, no house so he had money and he couldn’t even throw in pans with the Goddamn silverware. I should have stabbed him in the damn eye with a fork. No wonder why I hate dating. Men are fucking morons

SMACK IT, SMACK IT GOOD! — December 24, 2014

SMACK IT, SMACK IT GOOD!

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Considering I’m 41 and lost my virginity when I was 15 it’s safe to say I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit over the years. But there is one sexual experience in particular that not only makes me burst out laughing, but I also get confused at the same time. You know the kind of thing I’m talking about right? Where something is so outrageous that you can’t help but laugh.

I had been dating this guy for a little while so I didn’t think he could shock me. But one night in bed we were having a little, hmm, shall we say, “problem”. As men age there is a variety of reasons why they might not be able to get hard. Could be testosterone, blood pressure, cholesterol, shit just because he’s tired could cause it. Unfortunately it wasn’t the first time I’ve ran into it with this man or, well, other men. But whatever, you just have to play with it a little. That usually helps.

We were making out and trying a little rub rub, lick lick, but nothing was working. Now usually I could at least get him semi hard but on this particular night there was nothing. So I assured him it was ok, no problem, and shit like that happens. All of a sudden he sat up on his knees and started smacking his dick!

I am not even fucking joking. There’s this dude, kneeling over me smacking his cock over and over with an open hand. Cock and balls just jiggling away as he’s going to town on himself. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! I’m in shock of course and shout, “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?!?!” And he replies, “I’m trying to get it hard.” Now I’ve seen a lot of crazy ways of getting a dick hard but I’ve never seen a guy literally smack the shit outa his dick.

So he’s kneeling there smacking away, with tears in his eyes. I can only assume he was starting to cry because that had to hurt. But he started saying, “look it’s working!” and got really excited about it. Now I personally didn’t see a difference, except maybe his cock was getting red. But I was trying to figure out and exit strategy so maybe I just didn’t notice. I was so mortified at the whole situation I lost whatever desire for sex I had. But he was starting to get really into it. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Then the fucker grabbed my hand and started trying to smack his dick with MY fucking hand!

Oh, I wasn’t having any of that shit. Some people may get into that crazy sadism and masochism stuff, but not me. I snatched my hand back as if his dick burned me and told him he was a crazy fucker. Of course whatever halfhearted erection he had at that point went away so sex was definitely a no go. As if it was still an option. Once you watch a man smack his dick like he was trying to kill it you start to wonder what else he might do. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last much longer. And for that I’m glad. I mean what else was in my future, nipple clamps? Cock rings? Butt plugs? Fuck that shit.

I don’t need no stinking purse. — December 23, 2014

I don’t need no stinking purse.

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As most of my friends know, I detest carrying a purse. Always have. Lugging those things around filled with crap we will probably never use. But just in case we need it, a band aid, aspirin, tampon, pen, paper, lip gloss, candy for the crying kids, extra keys, and God knows what else. Trust me purses are a pain in the ass. For many years I refused to carry one. Lip-gloss in my front pocket, money in my right, drivers license in my back pocket. This hot babe was all set. Well then I started carrying a credit card, then two, then a library card. Finally I decided to start carrying a wallet.

It wasn’t a big leather one attached to a chain but a cute little one with a flower. But a wallet never the less. I carried that sucker around in my back pocket and still strutted like a hot babe. Of course men never asked me out. Huh, I never knew why. One weekend Dawn and I went to Kings Island and she started calling me butch. Would I give up my wallet? Hell no! Kris started telling me I looked like I was gay. I didn’t care, I love gay people! Everyone knew I was straight; I’m a hot babe on the prowl!

Well one night Kathi and I went to the casino. We stayed over night because I had a free hotel room. So we went to the casino and gambled. I like to play poker so while Kathi played slots I sat at the tables all night. The next morning I hit the tables again. I’m pulling out my wallet and throwing money on the tables. Kathi comes over and tells me we have to go. So I call the pit boss over and ask him if he can push our room check out for another hour. Considering how much I lost, you bet they did. So Kathi goes off to play the slots again. After a bit she comes back and she’s starting to get louder “Erica! We are leaving now, come on!” I kept saying just a bit more. So she left again.

It wasn’t until the dealer asked me where my girlfriend went that it dawned on me, huh, they think I’m gay. Damn, that must make me the guy. I was the one with the wallet and the foot stamping girlfriend after all. So a bit after that I gave up my wallet and started carrying a purse. Now I have that stupid thing crammed with crap. Might even have to get a bigger size. Damn I miss my wallet. Then again once the wallet was gone and purse on my arm guys did start asking me out HAHAHAHAHA

LOOK A SNOW ANGEL! — December 22, 2014

LOOK A SNOW ANGEL!

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A few winters ago we were getting lots of snow and ice. One day it was really icy out so I decided I better start my car and let it heat up before I left for work. Well I get out of the shower and figure I’ll go out then so it’s warming up while I finished getting dressed. I throw on my fluffy pink robe and my black clunky boots and run outside. As soon as my foot hits my icy concrete front steps WOOOSH my legs fly right out from under me and not only do I land on my back I kind of slide down a few steps too.

So there I’m laying arms and legs spread out wide and I realize my robe is wide open. I’m almost as naked as the day I was born, at least my feet and arms were covered. But I was too stunned to move. I live on the corner of a fairly busy street and just remember this is in the morning so people are going to work. I didn’t hear any cars though, so maybe I got lucky. Since I hit my back I couldn’t move for a few seconds. After waiting a moment (felt like forever) and lying in the freezing cold, I could finally move. I slowly closed my robe, sat up and when I finally felt my legs could hold me, I stood up.

Then I had to find my damn keys that had flown out of my hand. I sheepishly looked around and thanked the good Lord I didn’t think anyone saw me. At least I hoped they didn’t! I realized even if they had they probably weren’t going to come to my aid. I ended up with a huge bruise on my arm and my butt along with some road rash. And let me tell you I’ll never run outside in just a robe again. Ok I lied, I already have HAHAHAHAHA